I think he has Asperger's.

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I probably don't have Asperger's myself, but I'm seeing someone who most likely does. I'm here because I want some advice on how to interact with someone who's not neurotypical.

It's been difficult. He'll be eager to make plans to see me one day and brusquely state that he doesn't want to see anyone the next. He says he enjoys my company but he rarely seeks me out. I'm always the one to call and calls are always brief; he prefers dealing with people in person and is anxious about talking on the phone. And even in person, he's unpredictable. Sometimes he's passionate and sometimes he's cold. He can be sweet one minute and suddenly snappish the next. He says completely shocking things and is surprised when the reaction is to be taken aback. That or he'll become flummoxed with language and communicate by playing his piano instead (he's very talented with the piano and turns to it when he doesn't know what to say). He grins at nothing, laughs at nothing, shouts at nothing. I find it difficult to keep up with his mood swings.

Clearly there is no way this relationship is ever going to be 'normal,' but I'm wondering if it's normal as far as relationships with autistic people are concerned. Should I worry that he calls so rarely or is it just a case of social anxiety? Is it typical that sometimes he'll want to see me but end up spending the whole night sitting across the room from me?

And is there anything I should be doing differently?

It sounds like you've got your work cut out in this relationship but yeah, it sounds like fairly standard aspie behaviour to me. I'm an aspie in a long-term relationship with an NT, so this is coming from the other side of the equation.

Aspies often find that they have a much lower need for social interaction than NTs do. When that social interaction happens it can be completely exhausting. So for instance, I might want to go to a friend's party and only stay for half an hour. Other people at the party see me leave and assume that it's because I don't like them, but it's actually that I can enjoy a party for half an hour and then I've had as much enjoyment out of it as I'm going to get. I "fill up" on social interaction very easily.

As an aspie it's quite possible to absolutely adore someone... and still want them to go away quite a lot of the time. This fits in with what you were saying about him wanting to see you one day and then not the next. It's filling up on social interaction again. There's a whole bunch of people whom I love dearly and yet I choose not to see any one of them more often than once every few months. That's a level of interaction that's comfortable to me. You might find it mentally relaxing to spend time with friends, and mentally tiring to read a long scientific textbook. For me it's the other way around.

The important thing to remember here is: don't take it personally. His behaviour might be giving what would be cues in an NT person but aren't in an aspie. I also hate talking on the phone. I don't ever pick it up if I can avoid it and I keep calls as brief as possible. I very very rarely phone someone because I want to talk to them. It isn't a rejection of people; it's just a hatred of phones. Likewise, I don't necessarily want to spend a lot of time with someone just because I have fun when I do see them.

Regarding the snapping and so on: there's probably something that's bothering him (most likely nothing to do with you) which he's reacting to. I get very wound up and tense if there's a loud noise such as shouting or sirens which I can't escape from, or if I'm trying to navigate my way through a crowd of people. It can be at a level which doesn't bother other people. I've noticed that my NT girlfriend can deal with these things very easily: she walks through a crowd and continues the conversation. She can even talk over the top of music. I can't. These situations take all of my concentration, so if someone talks to me at the same time, well... it's a bit like if you were trying to write an exam paper and people kept talking to you. I try not to snap but don't always manage it.

Things you should be doing differently: well, I don't know enough about your boyfriend to say for sure. I would say though, that you need to keep communication absolutely straightforward and absolutely verbal. Don't make hints or assumptions. Ask direct questions. Keep enough people in your life that you don't need to get all of your social interaction from him, because if you need a lot more of it than he does he's going to feel harrassed and you're going to feel lonely. He'll probably never learn to love the phone I'm afraid. Above all, though, don't take it personally. Things that would indicate a lack of interest from an NT boyfriend don't mean the same thing coming from an aspie. Good luck!

Actually, I can identify with nearly all of the things you say he does (except for the piano playing!)

If I was in the early stages of a relationship, I would be quite happy with going out with the other person one day a week, or even one day every two weeks, with a phone call or two in between.

I would only be the one to call if it had been such a long time since I spoke to the other person that even I had become insecure!

What seems strange to me is the need to be with, or in contact with, the other person all the time.

Anyone who tried to pressure me into spending more time with them than I felt comfortable with would find themselves dumped very quickly, I'm afraid.

This would be because I would feel that the other person was trying to invade my life, and that I would no longer be free to do the things I wanted to do or to be on my own when I needed to be.

As for the snapping, I am often not even conscious of doing it. It is most likely to be because I am reacting instinctively to something that has annoyed me & have momentarily forgotten that I am talking to another person with feelings who is likely to be hurt by what I say or the way that I say it.

What could you do differently?

a) & most important - don't take it personally! Be flattered that he actually likes spending time with you.

b) You could try testing the size of his comfort zone by not calling him for a while - if he calls you or asks you why you haven't called him, you have left it too long! If he doesn't seem bothered, he is fine with that level of distance.

Thank you both for being so helpful! You've explained a lot, especially about the snapping. I've noticed that he's very sensitive to noises and other things which break his train of thought, so that aspect makes perfect sense. Poor bloke... his noisy neighbor must really plague him!

And it's good to know that as far as meeting him goes, I've been doing things more or less right. I've always known he was antisocial and focused on being glad he liked spending time with me at all. We've fallen into a routine of seeing each other once or twice a week and I try not to call often because I know he needs a lot of time alone. (To be honest, I'm a little standoffish too and probably wouldn't be comfortable seeing him every day.)

But sometimes I have to call for practical reasons. I'm always a little afraid to, because he might be in the middle of something and too focused on it to talk just then. How jarring is it to have the phone ring when you're occupied?

It can be jarring when any of us really get into something and then interrupted. That may also be the cause of the snapping, as if I'm really into something and get interrupted, I can snap really easily...

Before I forget...I would suggest that you email instead of call if that is possible. Then he can respond in his own time if he is ingaged in a special interest. I hate talking on the phone and get tense whenever it rings.


I also read your ther post about your own triats, so would like to repsond to both here. For one thing, I don't think it is unusual for people on the spectrum to find each other. I am AS and think many of my previous and current BF have many aspie traits and may be on the spectrum. I think you sound very aspie and he maybe or maybe more autistic or someone where else on the spectrum. It's harder to tell with him just from the discription you gav because it has nothing about his childhood. Some people who have "other issues" can have AS traits but a DX usually focuses on traits that have been there since childhood.

I also think there needs to be more research in how AS traits present in different genders. I have had relationship obssessions and though men can have these and not all females do, I do wonder if it is more common for female aspies. One reason I have always liked living with someone is that they are with me but we can both go off and do our personal "things" here. For me, that is the best of both worlds, we connect for brief moments through out the day but spend most of our time "seperate but together". We do make time together to eat a meal or rent a DVD to watch and talk about it. We have learned to limit the time we talk about our special interests to each other because they are totally different but we do share an interest in history, science, literature, weird movies, adult swim and anima...so we have some common ground and enjoy a lot of the same TV shows and he doesn't make me go out to "socialize" or watch crappy sitcoms.

Point being...who is on the spectrum or where is less inportant then sharing some interests and needing the same amount of together and alone time. We are both very effectionate and I never did well with someone who wasn't becauses I have problems believeing someone really likes me...I need to be told and he know s this, (he does to). We also show it by doing nice thiings for each other. I would rather he scrape the snow off my car or drive me some where then buy me chocolates or flowers....ie...we "fit".

You sound patient and aware of his changes... I'm not sure what more you could do; that in itself can mean so much. The phone... *hates the phone* ...the sound of the phone, when I'm deep in thought writing or composing, is jarring and irksome. I know I've snapped irrationally at the perceived interruption, and shocked the hell out of the person calling me. Also, I rely on deliberate reading of peoples' expression and posture to understand what they are saying... so working without that safety net and having just voice is a little disorienting.


M.

These swings you see could well be the aspie having an internal fight.

i know that i do (through strong smell sensitivity)

This thread is 9 years old, people.

i know that i do,through strong smell sensitivity & how i sound when interacting with somebody