Meurgh . . . I tried I really tried

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Hi guys me again. Lady with a strong friendship with lovely Aspie man. Well I think we have reached the end of the road. Last time I posted we had a row, and he had really vented at me. I didn't think it was justified but understood that he was stressed at the time and I had pushed him slightly to say yes or no to me buying tickets for a gig.

We anyway after that I heard nothing for a week. In 2 yrs we've never gone longer than 3 or 4 days without interaction. Usually he sent me a goodnight text every night.

So after a week I sent a text saying that I was very sad, and thought it would be horrid for our friendship to finish due to a nasty argument. I stated that I didn't feel I had deserved his vent but that he may feel differently. I told him I think he is a very special person and I only wish good things for him, and that obviously I would prefer us to remain friends but that would have to be his choice.

I received a text back within an hour stating that he was busy in another town and he would text me later. I still hadn't heard by 10pm so I nudged him for an answe - he said "yes okay we will remain friends" however there was no warmth. No hugs or good night within his text . . . .. . We have arranged a trip at the end of May that is supposed to be for my birthday. I asked if he still planned for us to go together and he replied "yes all being well" so I said ok thank you I will leave you in peace now.

I have heard nothing since. That was last Sunday . . . .so I guess I think he has shifted in his approach to me. I think he found our friendship overwhelming. He felt that I was being needy and pushy. However any of my NT friends who I have shown the messages we exchanged during the argument think he was out of order, but then they have no understanding of autism . . . ..

The thing is as time goes on I feel myself withdrawing from him. I need to to protect myself from being so sad. So do you think he is done with this friendship, or after some space he would want to pick up where we left off? How does the Aspie brain work around this kind of situation. Any thoughts?

I think you need to have a face-to-face talk. You've had the emotional outburst, now you need to calm the waters, so to speak. He has probably overanalysed his outburst a whole bunch, most likely feels guilty over it but struggles to assert himself to himself (if that makes sense) that he has to be allowed to push back when he feels you're pushing him too hard, but at the same time feels that he might have overdone it and risked your friendship as a result. Guilt, doubt, rinse, repeat.

Based on my own mind, of course.


Be open and honest, and I hope it works out!

This is pretty tough. I want you to know that (From my own perspective) I'm aware when I'm dominating someone in a relationship, but I do it out of fear. When someone lacks the tools they tend to get aggressive. And he probably feels horrible about the problems he's causing.

Also another thing to keep in mind is that in Asperger's a common side effect is Alexithymia, or emotional blindness. It's like you're stressed and tired and angry and you don't know why, so you just get more stressed and tired and angry. Perhaps he's dealing with this?

Sorry I can't offer much help, but I (somewhat) know where you are right now and I believe you guys can probably work through this over time, as long as no harsh or sudden moves are made.

When a person sends to another person of opposite sex a goodnight for every night.....that's not just friendship in his/her head! The "Just Friends" don't do this.

That's why this friendship is so complicated between you two, there's an unrequited love element there and he got tired of it, he loves you but he realizes you will never love him back and it's killing him - so normally he will get away, do you get it?

Is it unrequited in the way you seem to imply, though? There's no explicit mention of attraction on the OP's part, but this was posted in Love and Dating, so I just made the mental leap of thinking that the OP might have tried to push the friendship toward a romantic relationship and that's when he blew up. Maybe I was totally reading it wrong though.

Yes, that is my understanding of it too. If I'd been this guy, I would not have kept such a close contact unless I had a crush. The whole description of it only makes sense to me if it is courtship, not if it is a friendship. With friends, I would only have irregular contact. Regular contact is for love-interests only.

So my guess is that he realises this will stay a friendship, so he has lost hope of it advancing beyond that point. Once he thinks of it like a friendship, he will no longer keep frequent contact just for the purpose of keeping in contact, rather will make contact only when he has something to discuss / talk about.

I think it is the other way around. It is he that have seen it more like a potential relationship, and she that regards it as a friendship. Of course, if she can think of it in terms of a potential relationship too, then she should tell him. Otherwise, I think it is doomed. At least as a pure friendship with such close contact.

Hi peeps. Thanks for the replies. I know this question always comes up when I post things about my friendship. Truth is it always was more than a friendship but not a sexual romantic affair. My friend has always known how very much I care for him and indeed love him. He always assured me that the feeling was mutual but I think things began to change for him after Christmas. It is him and his habits that changed not mine. Although he always insisted nothing had changed between us. It is so difficult to tell. This is where these relationships fall into trouble. I wrote him a long letter a few months ago explaining that I felt sad that he no longer shared things with me etc, and he was very responsive and sweet in his reaction to that.

I think of anything it is no longer that he feels the same way towards me and wanted a way out. This argument has provided him with that.

I agree that it would be good to meet person to person but I asked last weekend and he said he was busy but maybe another day. I don't intend to ask again or to contact him again. I feel I reached out to try and mend things even though it was him that lost his cool with me. To reach out again would be desperation and I do have some self respect.

I will miss him of,course, but if he no longer cares for me there is nothing more I can do other than move on

Space could be good, time to think. It seems like he could need it too... I'm trying to imagine being romantically attracted to someone for 2 years, being close friends but without physical intimacy yet experiencing the challenges associated with a romantic relationship.

That's natural if you are asexual.

OK, but is he a sexual guy? Did he have sexual relationships with other girl(s) while you were friends? If not, I think he could have regarded it as a non-sexual romantic affair.



Yes, but at least here you describe it as a friendship, not as a romantic affair. So, did you tell him you had romantic feelings?



Nah, I have another "theory". If he had a crush on you, it would start to diminish after a year or two, and when you didn't describe it for him as a love-interest, but as a friendship, he was unable to uphold his persistence as the crush diminished. In this state, at least I need to know that there is a mutual romantic interest. A friendship simply will not do.

Sorry I can't work out how to do the quotes thing. . . . .. . .did he have sexual relations with others I don't think so. He is touch averse so not sure how that fits into the picture.

Did I tell him I had romantic feelings . . No because I didn't. I'm almost certain he didn't have romantic feelings towards me either.

Does that help work this out?

Just two more question to clarify it: During the 2 years, did you ever have romantic feelings towards some other guy? Did you have sex (or a desire to have sex) with any other guy during that time?

Just an update - i bumped into him at a gig tonight so I took the initiative to go and talk. He seemed pleased to see me. I apologised for being a nightmare, and he smiled and said "yes you are a nightmare" but gave me a big hug. I think we are going to be ok. I can see that I was probably pushing him into doing too many things with me. He has many many projects he is involved in, and I think I was making him feel chased and overwhelmed. The time apart has been good for me to recognise it.

Hopefully all will be well . . .. . .