Loneliness and depression

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I am a 22 year old aspie male. I've been single my entire life, I've never kissed anyone or done anything beyond a hug with a girl. For most of my life this never bothered me and wasn't something I thought about. I've also spent most of my life as an introvert with very few friends, spending nearly all my time on my own, mostly playing video games, this also never used to bother me. About three years ago I moved from home to go to university. I moved into student halls living with 20 other people. At this time I was very unwise, not very self-aware, and didn't fully see the world around me. I was very against drinking and going out, and very bad at socialising, not really knowing how I was supposed to act around people. I not being very aware of the world (and also at the whims of my worried mother) told everyone I was living with about my aspergers. They all seemed pretty nice, and looking back they were mostly all great people, I was blessed to be put with them. I soon ended up falling in love with one of the girls I lived with. I had never felt like that before, and I've since leant I don't deal well with new emotions and situations. It also seems to me that most people need to have their feelings reciprocated in order to feel love, I've come to realise that I do not. She didn't reciprocate my feelings, and this upset me greatly. I unintentionally bothered her for most of the year, as I wasn't able to realise how my behaviour was affecting her. In saying that I never did anything I would consider blatantly wrong, just that I and my feelings were annoying her. Eventually our mutual friends made me start to realise this and made me see that I should stay away. So I did, however this then meant generally not being around our mutual friends either. I then began to realise that everyone else I was living with had started to form groups, and that I wasn't in one. These groups would eventually go off and live in their respective student houses the next academic year. During the remainder of the time that all 21 of us were still together, I generally spent most of my time alone. I began to realise I felt lonely, and was no longer used to having just my own company. Eventually everyone else moved out, and since I had no where else I stayed in the same room next year, living with a new group of 20 freshers. Unfortunately most of them I just didn't fit in with, even though I did try forcing myself to fit in, only stopping after over hearing some of them talking badly about me. Two of the people I did manage to get on well with, a guy in the room next door and a girl on the top floor. I quickly found myself falling for the girl, and I wanted to not repeat my mistakes with this girl, and I think I was able to deal with my emotions better. She is also an aspie, something I guessed rather quickly. Unfortunately just as I was about to ask her out, she told me she'd just broken up with someone who cheated on her, so I figured she would need some space and held off asking her for a while. When I started to feel ready to do so again, her new boyfriend came round to see her. I felt so crushed and messaged her about my feelings. She said she hadnt realised and we agreed to be friends. She then didn't really hang out with me or my other friend much after that, which at the time I assumed was because of me, but I layer found out she was cutting everyone off for her own reasons. This meant I spent most of the year, the latter half especially, always on my own. My loneliness got worse as time went on and I began to realise I was also feeling very depressed, having low mood and energy, constant over-thinking of negative thoughts and also trouble sleeping. I eneded up missing a lot of uni, as I often felt i couldn't bring myself to go in. I ended up failing some of the exams in my second semester, as well as the resits. I was eventually told that I would be able to resit the year. I started the year and almost immediately found I didn't fit with most of the new group, though I did fit with four of the girls who didn't like going out or drinking, one of whom is the girl I fell for the year previous, and still had feelings for. She had been dumped by her bf just before the new academic year started, so was herself depressed and facing many of the same problems. I tried to comfort her and be there for her. Like me she had stayed in the halls as she had no friends to live with. I'm not very subtle despite my best efforts, and the other girls could tell how I felt about her. One of them told her and she got very upset about it, I think she felt guilty. It eventually became apparent that she would be happier if I stayed away. So I did, often avoiding the bus stop and things if I saw her. I spent most of the year forcing myself to go to uni, despite how horrible I felt with my depression and loneliness getting worse all the time. I've still had had a few missed deadlines and things this year, so I don't know how things will go. Eventually she fell out with the other girls, and started speaking to me again. Then we started hanging out again and have ended up closer than ever. I am aware that she is seeing someone though, but hasn't actually referred to him as anything other than 'friend'. It's been great having her around again, apparently she sees me as her best friend. Obviously that's not exactly how I wish things were. I still have to spend nearly all my time alone, with my loneliness and depression only getting worse. I have considered suicide a few times this year, and when I feel especially bad I will have a pint or two. I also have a bad habit of buying treats for myself, mostly food, as a way to keep going and give myself something to look forward to. I do also masturbate more than most, usually at least once a day, often more. I don't sleep for very long either, and the occasional time I do I sleep far too long. I've come to accept that I'm platonically and romantically lonely. I find most girls to be bland and not interesting enough. I'm not exactly great looking, though I guess there are uglier guys. I'm not obese, though I do have a slight amount of weight, nothing too bad in my opinion. I'm a little bit short, which is annoying since girls seem to generally prefer tall guys. I don't really have any sense of style, I just can't tell whether something looks good or not. I don't have any confidence or self-esteem, but I'm able to fake it well enough that I come across at the right level. I don't have any skills or talents, though I have tried numerous things. I don't really have any hobbies or interests besides uni and gaming. I've looked for some more but nothing interests me, I hate anything active or sporty, and I'm not really a creative person. I also feel I don't have tons of personality, I often feel I'm just the symptoms of my AS given a body. No women have ever shown any level of intetest in me beyond friendship, except on a few occasions where it's been very desperate women looking for a night of sex, and I don't do casual. I'm a bit odd with touching, rarely touching anyone and only comfortable with being touched by people I know well, so I wouldn't really be able to sleep with anyone without knowing them very well first anyway. My lack of experience also hinders me as I'm constantly trying to figure out what to do and not do, as opposed to knowing already. I'm very much the 'nice guy', though for me at least it isn't an act, it's just who I am. I often see online the suggestion of not being the nice guy, but I can't not be the nice guy whilst simultaneously being myself. I also realise that due to my lack of experience I don't really know how to be more than friends with someone. In a lot of ways my apsergers makes me better off and more comfortable on my own, but my humanity makes me crave human connection the same as most. I'm very senti-mental and can often be stuck in the past. I'm also very pessimistic about myself and my life, but very optimistic and forgiving of others. I've maintained good hygiene, showing every day. I'm not really an exciting person, and though I have good qualities I don't feel I have any 'attractive' ones. I'm also a perfectionist, and I tend to feel guity over everything, even if it has nothing to do with me. I also recently found out that the first girl I fell for was also an aspie, which makes it seem as though I just find aspies attractive, I certainly find having a lot in common to be very attractive. I tried seeing a doctor, but the experience was uncomfortable and made me feel like I was being processed. I really don't know what to do at this point, hence why I'm posting this.

Well you certainly know what your problems are, and that's a good start to improving your life. Does your university have a social skills program for people on the spectrum?

Unfortunately not. My university is one of the more academic ones, which often correlates with being less good at support.

I'm a 27 year old male with Asperger's who also often feels lonely and depressed. But I'm starting to attempt to change this, both in the friends category and in the girlfriend category. However, I'm sometimes socially awkward and clumsy, so it's been hard to do.

I'll turn 50 in a couple of months, I've been lonely since I was a kid because I know what I like.

Eventually I accepted myself for what I am, gave up on trying to meet women, and immersed myself in activities I was good at AND which brought me pleasure. Now I'm an independent licensed building inspector and self-taught luthier who's about to become joint patent holder on a new type of musical instrument, I've written and published 3 books, I'm working on 4 more, and there's no place in my life for romance.

The worn-out line that "it'll happen when you least expect it" doesn't work unless you're Sleeping Beauty, or unless you believe in ESP. Maybe some women might find me attractive, but I'm at the point where I no longer care. For me, love has died, PERIOD.

There have always been very, very few women I've felt a spark with—as I said, I know what I like—so to me, it doesn't feel like such a big loss anyway. Nowadays, when they approach me (which is rare), I push them away because I can't see the point in getting involved with someone I don't feel a spark with.

Sex isn't even a thing to me... just an endorphin hit, like the drugs I did when I was in my 20s. The downside to having an overactive imagination is that you risk getting bored of "thrilling" things pretty quickly. If someone doesn't like the fact that I have no problem with being an openly asexual virgin, they can GTFO of my shop and not buy any of my musical instruments.

My 2¢.

I'm told by friends all the time that it'll happen eventually, but I'm very aware this is based on the poor assumption that it happens to everyone eventually. I certainly know what you mean by the spark, I would never consider being with someone witgout it, I'd be settling otherwise, which I don't think is a great way to start a relationship. I can certainly imagine that sex loses it's value as you get older, and as you have more of it. Thank you for your thoughts.