What do guys look for in a woman?

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amykitten
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19 Mar 2017, 7:31 am

I'm planning on reinventing myself as I've realised the only guys I can seem to attract are all people who end up abusing me in some shape or form, be it mentally or physically. Or guys who aren't a good match for me. So I know I need to do something about this so I can get a guy I like. So any suggestions?



Sabreclaw
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19 Mar 2017, 8:04 am

Don't focus on attracting guys, focus on being you and if the right guy comes along then try and attract him specifically.



Jacoby
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19 Mar 2017, 8:13 am

I'm not sure if there is anything you can do to not attract abusers unless they all fit a certain type or something, you just have to be more on guard for the personalities and traits in people that do that.

I don't know what to say beyond that, you didn't give enough information.



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19 Mar 2017, 8:30 am

Jacoby wrote:
I'm not sure if there is anything you can do to not attract abusers unless they all fit a certain type or something, you just have to be more on guard for the personalities and traits in people that do that.

I don't know what to say beyond that, you didn't give enough information.


Unfortunately, a lot of abusers mask their true nature very well; they tend to be very charming at first, well-liked by their peers because of this, then they slowly, subtly play their hand and attempt to take complete control over their victim.



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19 Mar 2017, 8:37 am

I don't know you but my cousin always attracts abusibe guys and if I could I wuld tell her "You don't need a guy too validate yourself, you are better than you think you are and you deserve more" and "know how a man should treat you and don't feel bad about wanting someone who trats you right".

She had had physically and emotionally abusive partners and tends to attract them but in order to be someone she can feel comfortable talking about it too if I tell her that she will just distance herself and isolation is dangerous for those in domestic abusive situations. So don't let yourself be isolated from friends and family!

Sorry if I assumed to much I just worry



NorthWind
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19 Mar 2017, 9:41 am

Some abusive people or people who take advantage of others are good at detecting naive, insecure people, people who lack self-worth or people who are very lonely and desperate to get anyone's attention. If you keep attracting abusive partners there's probably something about you that makes you seem like an easy victim or you ignore early red flags and instead of being more likely to attract abusive people you are more likely to not realize on time that they might be people you don't want to get involved with.

So, basically what Alliekit said: "You don't need a guy too validate yourself, you are better than you think you are and you deserve more" "know how a man should treat you and don't feel bad about wanting someone who trats you right"
and act according to this. Act like someone who knows how a man should treat her and act like someone who isn't desperate for someone to validate her. Don't seem like an easy victim.

(of course I neither know you nor your situation, so it could be something different; but I think those things are often why some people tend to get into abusive relationships)



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19 Mar 2017, 10:58 am

I haven't actually dated anyone since I got diagnosed. I think that will change my goals. I will look for someone who not only understands my communication, but finds it enjoyable and useful to translate for me.

Otherwise, I guess it will stay the same. I tend to feel most attracted to bisexual feminists. Women who disavow feminism often use stereotypes to excuse or justify acting like jerks, in my experience, as in "You have to expect this kind of behavior from women." I'm heteroflexible, so it's nice to match in that regard.

Confidence will dissuade abusive guys, and encourage guys who like independent women. It has to continue, though. If someone tries to damage your confidence, don't date him. By the same token, some people will lie to you with compliments in order to make you care what they say before they switch to abuse. Real confidence will help you reject absurd lies, even if they are complimentary.

I can read a lot from a hug, at least on the level of physical comfort. People who don't feel physically comfortable with me usually can't fully surrender to a hug, and the same applies to me. Giving and receiving a nice close hug can focus, stimulate, and confirm mutual attraction, and it feels great.

I hope that helps. I've had friends who kept attracting abusers and I really root for them to find a way to change the game.


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amykitten
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19 Mar 2017, 1:46 pm

So its all about confidence. I have a plan of action so I'll work on that.



izzeme
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19 Mar 2017, 2:27 pm

it is important to first define the kind of guy you wish to attract. Once you know that, you can work on changing your behaviours and presentation to match



Keigan
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19 Mar 2017, 2:57 pm

Men respond to respect.



jrjones9933
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19 Mar 2017, 3:05 pm

Keigan wrote:
Men respond to respect.

That's true, and more important than a lot of people realize.


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19 Mar 2017, 3:27 pm

jrjones9933 wrote:
Keigan wrote:
Men respond to respect.

That's true, and more important than a lot of people realize.


What kind of respect?


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The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Mar 2017, 4:02 pm

jrjones9933 wrote:
Keigan wrote:
Men respond to respect.

That's true, and more important than a lot of people realize.



I've read once about an experiment on okcupid where they created a fake female profile with a hot picture but the content is full of obscene language and her messages were too insulting and offensive, yet many men drooled for her in their responses.

So no...not always.



jrjones9933
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19 Mar 2017, 4:11 pm

hurtloam wrote:
jrjones9933 wrote:
Keigan wrote:
Men respond to respect.

That's true, and more important than a lot of people realize.


What kind of respect?

I believe, more the admiration kind than the deference kind.


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Corny
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19 Mar 2017, 4:14 pm

I'm a guy and what I look for in girls is. If their nice, friendly,have some similar interests as you, fun to be around, and good personality. At least that's what I think and like about my gf. If that helps.