Disclosing Asperger's to a potential date and fallout
Northeastern292
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills
I've enjoyed online dating but
Over the weekend, I struck up a conversation with a young woman on a dating site (who interestingly enough I had messaged on another site in the past!) about my age who lives almost an hour away (by train). We hit it off pretty quickly and our conversations got pretty serious, to the point where she decided to call me on Tuesday. During the phone call I disclosed my Asperger's (which she had given me no reason not to disclose) but mentioned how she works at an after school program and mentioned how one of the kids (who also has Asperger's) was (to paraphrase) misbehaving and (to make a two minute story short) figuratively left her with a bad taste.
We texted a little after that but yesterday it was night and day. Usually she would text the heck out of me and yesterday she didn't reply to my good morning text, it took her all day to reply to my Snapchat message and this morning after seeing that she had posted a story, I said f*ck this and deleted her off of Instagram and Snapchat.
I've disclosed my Asperger's from time to time but it's gotten to the point where I can hide it pretty well to the point or where it only shows when I'm under stress or if someone gets to know my barely noticeable quirks. I'm refusing to mention it ever again.
Is this a classic case of things went too fast and she ghosted me or did my impatience show through? I could have texted her to see what was up, but a friend said to forget her.
Thoughts? Comments?
Over the weekend, I struck up a conversation with a young woman on a dating site (who interestingly enough I had messaged on another site in the past!) about my age who lives almost an hour away (by train). We hit it off pretty quickly and our conversations got pretty serious, to the point where she decided to call me on Tuesday. During the phone call I disclosed my Asperger's (which she had given me no reason not to disclose) but mentioned how she works at an after school program and mentioned how one of the kids (who also has Asperger's) was (to paraphrase) misbehaving and (to make a two minute story short) figuratively left her with a bad taste.
We texted a little after that but yesterday it was night and day. Usually she would text the heck out of me and yesterday she didn't reply to my good morning text, it took her all day to reply to my Snapchat message and this morning after seeing that she had posted a story, I said f*ck this and deleted her off of Instagram and Snapchat.
I've disclosed my Asperger's from time to time but it's gotten to the point where I can hide it pretty well to the point or where it only shows when I'm under stress or if someone gets to know my barely noticeable quirks. I'm refusing to mention it ever again.
Is this a classic case of things went too fast and she ghosted me or did my impatience show through? I could have texted her to see what was up, but a friend said to forget her.
Thoughts? Comments?
I don't know why she became less responsive after you disclosed your diagnosis, however I think your hypothesis is a good one. Concerning disclosing, I think my question to that would be "What is the purpose?" Does it impact you such that you need the other person to be aware of it? And will you require them to accommodate you in some way because of it?
I usually just say "I can be a little socially awkward sometimes," if I think it's going to be an issue. I don't expect the person to change their behavior or deal with me in a certain manner because of it. My only intention is to avoid miscommunication.
Northeastern292
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills
Over the weekend, I struck up a conversation with a young woman on a dating site (who interestingly enough I had messaged on another site in the past!) about my age who lives almost an hour away (by train). We hit it off pretty quickly and our conversations got pretty serious, to the point where she decided to call me on Tuesday. During the phone call I disclosed my Asperger's (which she had given me no reason not to disclose) but mentioned how she works at an after school program and mentioned how one of the kids (who also has Asperger's) was (to paraphrase) misbehaving and (to make a two minute story short) figuratively left her with a bad taste.
We texted a little after that but yesterday it was night and day. Usually she would text the heck out of me and yesterday she didn't reply to my good morning text, it took her all day to reply to my Snapchat message and this morning after seeing that she had posted a story, I said f*ck this and deleted her off of Instagram and Snapchat.
I've disclosed my Asperger's from time to time but it's gotten to the point where I can hide it pretty well to the point or where it only shows when I'm under stress or if someone gets to know my barely noticeable quirks. I'm refusing to mention it ever again.
Is this a classic case of things went too fast and she ghosted me or did my impatience show through? I could have texted her to see what was up, but a friend said to forget her.
Thoughts? Comments?
I don't know why she became less responsive after you disclosed your diagnosis, however I think your hypothesis is a good one. Concerning disclosing, I think my question to that would be "What is the purpose?" Does it impact you such that you need the other person to be aware of it? And will you require them to accommodate you in some way because of it?
I usually just say "I can be a little socially awkward sometimes," if I think it's going to be an issue. I don't expect the person to change their behavior or deal with me in a certain manner because of it. My only intention is to avoid miscommunication.
To be honest, her M.O. is confusing to say the least. We had a half hour phone call after I made this post and things are better between us, but I'm thinking she's just in her own world. The few times we've spoken she's been scatterbrained if anything. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm talking to a valley girl. My guard is up still.
I told my now-wife about it after maybe two months of dating. I wanted her to get her get to know and like me without any preconceptions. She did, so when I finally told her, it was pretty anticlimactic. She already thought I was "eccentric," so that just explained some things for her.
_________________
"Donkeys live a long time. None of you has ever seen a dead donkey."
Northeastern292
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills
Glad to hear it worked out! We'll have to see, as me and this girl will be Skyping in a little bit.
It's gone both ways for me. Either I hit it off with someone, or they compare me to their 8 year old cousin who smears poop on the walls. If the match has it or can relate to it, an 8 hour conversation is coming. So, it's a good reward. Just not likely to happen.
With that said.. you only spent 3 days having short conversations with this girl. Don't invest so much into it. I realize we don't get much attention from the opposite sex, so we don't take these opportunities for granted, but if you invest so much into someone you don't know at all.. things will go south, I promise. Just relax, enjoy the conversations and temper expectations. Focus on just getting to know her and enjoying the time you spend talking to her.
_________________
If Jesus died for my sins, then I should sin as much as possible, so he didn't die for nothing.
Telling others about your autism is the best way to avoid delaying their misunderstandings.
I prefer to know what others think of me quickly rather than invest time and money to be ignored or worse, anyway.
_________________
Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)
AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 76,332
Location: Portland, Oregon
Northeastern292
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills
AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 76,332
Location: Portland, Oregon
That is excellent! Build your relationship with this girl in a gradual, but slow manner.
_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!
Northeastern292
Veteran
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills
That is excellent! Build your relationship with this girl in a gradual, but slow manner.
As I'm doing ☺

