A Conundrum; How Do I Not Creep?

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Now then, this is somewhere between asking advice and just a venting rant to gather my thoughts, but I figure no one here knows me or the people involved IRL, and probably couldn't decipher who they were even if they did. Anyway, some background information:

Last year I joined an Aspie/NPD support group and attended a few of their meetings, primarily to meet others of my species (and preferrably female). On the last meeting for that year, a woman attended, lets call her A. A is the mother of a young woman with Aspergers and ADD/ADHD (can't recall which) which would place her at or around my own level of functioning. A and I got along rather well, and she told me a bit about her daughter (let's call her R); R is a gamer just like myself, a tiny but tough girl big into martial arts (like myself). She lives on her own, she drives and dreams of becoming an actress. The phrase "you have got to meet my daughter" was uttered at one point. Naturally, I'd have less than zero objections to that.

Now, fast forward 5 or so months (winter break), to just recently. I was hoping A and/or R would attend the next meetup, but neither showed up. Perusing FB suggest neither of them are very active there, R's last post being from 2 years ago (a photo revealing herself to be adorable). Thanks to the magic of Google, I have both their adresses and phone numbers, although I feel a little dirty just having that info without them having given it to me. So now, I suppose my problem is this; what's a gentlemanly approach to this situation? "Hi, I met your mom once last year,let's hang out?" or "Hi, we met once last year, can I have your daughters personal info?" both seem to fall rather short of that standard...


My current course of action will probably be to wait, at least until the next meeting (late this month) before finalizing a battle plan, but after that I really don't know. Waiting too long is too passive an approach. I'm hoping to acquire R's SteamID, or whichever other platform she might game on. Something that may provide the means to a casual chat, rather than barging straight to a meeting in person.


Thoughts? Critiques? Suggestions? Accusations of cowardice?

Might be a good idea to wait and see if either of them come to another meeting, if her mom comes again you could bring it up and say you are interested in actually following through with meeting her daughter and perhaps she could talk to her daughter and see if she wants to meet you to. Of course she may not have been 100% serious like sometimes people say 'oh you have to meet so and so' because they think you could get on but they don't actually seriously mean to set it up or anything.

It is possible the numbers and adresses you found aren't even accurate, to. If they don't show up at the next meeting perhaps you could contact the mom on facebook since you've talked to her before, like send her a friend request. Then perhaps you could inquire about if her daughter would like to meet you or maybe even just talk to you on facebook or email or steam account or whatever if you'd prefer that before an in person meeting. since she had suggested it before. Probably better than trying to just go to either of their house or calling without them having given you the number. But yeah I don't think it would be that weird to send a facebook friend request to someone you talked to at an autism meet up.

That is a conundrum. What it would mean for someone to find me would depend a lot on how I felt about them. Depending on a lot of things, I might even have liked them but not immediately connect the person contacting me in the present to my memory of them. It seems connected to my mild prosopagnosia.

I don't use FB, but it seems like a place where people find each other, sort of like the old "Missed Connections" section in some personal ads. Something like, hey I wanted to see more of you at the meetings but I didn't so I searched for you here. They will probably get a notification of some sort even if they aren't active, right?

This is very straight forward - you set down what you have found and you patiently wait for the pending meeting to present an opportunity for a face to face conversation. You don't open with "can I have your daughters StreamID" and you don't open with "I found you through the majic of Google" - that would be significantly creepy and could scare her to death.

When a moment presents itself, you introduce yourself with your full name and ask if she remembers you from the prior meetings.

You don't bring up that you found them on Google unless she brings up the topic of online privacy.

It's possible she didn't mean it, but I seem to recall meeting people with issues similar to R's was her incentive to join the group in the first place, so...here's hoping?

I got the numbers from one of the two major online phonebooks here, so it's not like I spent much time and effort on it. I do think they're accurate, though.

I wasn't sure what the proper Facebook-etiquette for friend-requests was. Random requests seems a bit creepy, but you're probably right; we've met in person, so it's not that weird. Plus, she's the mother of an aspie, and she knows I'm one, so she probably has some tolerance for awkwardness. I'll add it to the list of possible courses of action. Good suggestion. Thank you!




Yeah, I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. I'd certainly be pretty uncomfortable if someone just called/messaged me out of the blue like that. Hence why I'm trying to find an approach slightly smoother than a metaphorical battering ram.

They just might. Also, no one remembers a coward. I just sent A a friends request. Plus some others from my mile-long list of people who use FB a lot more than I do... fingers crossed.




I do hope I didn't come across as actually intending to use those lines. I may be a bit awkward, but I like to think I'm a little smoother than that. No, I composed those lines to illustrate that I get just how creepy that comes across.

So, basically do what I was going to do. Sounds good!


Thank you all for your input!

Well, I have achieved FB friend status. Now to just gather to courage to actually talk to her...

I'm old enough to consider that a healthy reaction. Social norms may have changed.


A bit, yes.


Not for your specific situation. Here is something Scalzi wrote for a different context, but you may be able to translate and adapt some of it: http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/08/09/an-incomplete-guide-to-not-creeping/

I hope it goes well for both of you.

Definitely not cowardice! Many woman, especially women on the spectrum, can be anxious about guys coming up to them and you definitely do not want to read as the creep the first time you contact the daughter. The mom has met you and obviously doesn't think you are a creep. I think the best next step would be to send her a FB message saying something along the lines of, "We met at ___ and you were talking about your daughter. I've been actively wanting to make new friends and was hoping maybe you could both come to the next meeting so we could meet, or maybe you could introduce us on an online forum, like a game forum she enjoys spending time on. Thanks!"

Aim for friendship. If you become friends something else might blossom. Or you could meet the first time and fall head over heels or completely hate each other. Whatever you do, don't mention the online snooping because that will definitely read as creepy. Oddly enough when girls do that it doesn't, but when guys do it does. People are weird.

Glad to see my ability to gauge such matters is not entirely out of sync. It is my desire to be gentlemanlike, but it's also pretty much on guys to initiate or accept being alone, and I'm not about to accept unwanted solitude out of courtesy.





Thank you. Not much new for me in that article, but I could see others having use for it.




Thank you, that actually means a lot.




That sort of double-standard is nothing new.

I've actually chatted with her a bit since I made the thread. She seems fun. She did, politely but pointedly, mention having a boyfriend. Part of me is feeling a bit disheartened, but that's on me, not her. Got my hopes up a litte too much while screwing my courage to the sticking place, as it were. Still, more friends on the spectrum is nothing to sneeze at.

Thank you all for your advice and support!

My first approach would be to locate her on some gaming platform and then try to get into games with her. You don't need to say that you searched for her. That way, you can meet in a more natural way than a formal conversation or dating.

If that was not possible, I'd use her mother on Facebook. You could ask if the "offer" to meet her daughter still stands. If it does, I'd try to setup a meeting with both mother and daughter, not a date.