Have I just been on a few dates with a guy with Aspergers?

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Hi all,

A newbie NT here and looking for some advice!

In summer I met a guy through mutual friends at a bar. He was in town for the weekend and we instantly bonded over a discussion about politics. He said he felt happy and thinks we have a connection and took my number. We talked for three hours and we arranged to meet the next day but I had to work and he went home.

Kept in touch over FB for 6 weeks. Nothing ‘romantic’ but exchanging links to articles, getting to know a little about each other. He seemed very enthusiastic. I ended up going to his country and city for work and we met up for the next three nights and I’m a bit confused as I suspect he has aspergers or is a narc or just not into me. Or maybe all three

First night we were alone and ended up in a restaurant he knows I like. it was great – nice conversations, he a very sweet, polite, and is an attractive guy and I like him a lot. We have similar values. He seems very protective and kind. He controlled the end of the date with a kiss on the cheek and told me what was happening the next night.

Second night I was late because of work. He was with friends and by the time I got there he was already quite drunk. He kept messaging me before asking if I had got lost. He drank a lot and became quite dismissive sometimes, so I assumed he was either being aloof or not into me, but then I figured why would he bother asking me out each night (?!) It felt very push pull. I didn’t give him any obvious signs I liked him as I was confused. He didn’t try anything physical so I assumed not. One of his friends made a reference to Aspergers when he greeted him. Later, all his friends left us alone and he seemed to be uncomfortable/shy being alone with me. He had been drinking for 10 hours. We left shortly afterwards, and he walked ahead of me and had slight hand contact on the escalator he told me I had cold hands…then he put me on the metro back to my hotel.

Anyway, on the final night we had a nice dinner and he took me to his friend’s birthday.

This is when everything went bad. I ended up being a bit more aloof with him assuming he just wanted friendship and so ended up looking after myself. I saw him a couple of times at the party but I ended up hearing a lot of stories from people who were drunk and it was a bit too much to hear. Nothing about him but I’m not used to people being so open. (I got groped by a girl, after trying to sober her up and also got hit on by one of his friends, so I was feeling a bit blah) After the party we all got a taxi, except everybody was going to a bar but he was sending me back to my hotel as he didn’t want me to witness any degenerate behaviour. I was taken aback and I’m not used to being policed (we are in our 30s) so it felt like he was trying to get rid of me. I was going home the next day so it seemed quite an abrupt ending to the weekend. As I was a bit drunk I put 2+2 together and came up with 6 and accused him of something (trying to pick up another girl which is why he must want to get rid of me) and he seemed very taken aback. He said he was offended and he said ‘it can go no further than this’.

So he got in the taxi and went off with his friends and left me.

The next day messaged him on FB a couple of times and he ignored it so I emailed him and apologised about the miscommunication and for causing offence. I flew home and sent an email explaining and told him that I had a great time with him, enjoyed his company and that I ‘like him’ and if it isn’t reciprocated then I hope we can be friends and the next time he comes to my city I would like to meet up with him and we can go out together.

He sent a FB message four days later saying he didn’t care what happened it was stupid people being drunk and he had no time to engage because of work. I have sent him three message in the past 5 weeks but he never replies – just links to articles etc. nothing heavy. I see he is online but is completely ignoring me.

I researched some AS traits noticed a few quirks over the three nights:

Very narrow obsessions with politics, video games, working out
Repetitive sayings sometimes
He seemed quite emotionally unaware
Very, very intelligent (works in politics)
Was very rigid with likes/dislikes/timekeeping.
Talked about his routines
Fixed pitch when talking
Red pill mentality/Conservative
Could be quite pedantic if I said certain things that were not right in his mind
Said he has bad spatial awareness (got confused in metro station)
In restaurant was uncomfortable with the temperature
His friends are also highly intelligent and some had similar behaviours. One even greeted him and called him ‘assburgers’
Could be quite childlike sudden high energy
Wasn’t good at picking up on some sarcasm

My question is, does this seem typical Aspie behaviour? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Could I ask which countries are involved here? Some of this might be cultural (especially if the UK is one of them )

Regardless, he might have AS, he might just be a jerk. There's no real way of telling. If you live in different countries it's no great loss anyway, it's unlikely the relationship would have gone anywhere.

Hi Chichikov,

If you wanted to stay and go to the next bar and he sent you to your hotel, that isn't quite nice. It is possible that he just wanted to act out with his friends (but not in front of you), but it seems like a bad way to treat you. Did he offer to ride home with you to your hotel?

Also, were you uncomfortable or unhappy with his behavior while he was drinking with you?

Hi,

Yes he did offer to take me back to the hotel but I felt very resentful about going as I didn't want to be ordered around. If he had asked it wouldn't have been so bad, it just felt a bit humiliating. I don't mind about acting out but I felt it was quite abrupt. I wasn't uncomfortably or unhappy with his behaviour though he did get a bit macho.

Also he is not from the UK

It's unfortunate that alcohol was mixed so much into the process (haha pun but wasn't intended). Asperger's or not, it doesn't sound like he's interested (anymore). Three exploratory reach-out messages seems like too plenty for him to ignore you if he was interested in reconnecting. He did say it "could not go further" and if he were Aspie, you could take that at face value.

Thanks I think you are right. I am pretty angry at myself I wish I'd have stayed sober. Lesson learned. I won't contact him again but I hope he will reconnect at some point. I guess there is nothing I can do?

Yes, it does sound like there might have been some miscommunication originally, but you should probably move on.

Aspie or no, he would have to be willing to (1) reconnect with you and (2) discuss his feelings about what happened. Considering it did not sound like he was a great communicator in the first place, the chances of this happening are slim.

Maybe just focus on something else. If he responds to you eventually, then you can decide what to do then.

Hi again all,

thanks for the responses. Just to say we did eventually sort things out in terms of at least being friendly, and I got to explain my side of the disagreement.

He was hyperfocused on work and went away on holidays and we have been in contact at least once every two weeks. I initiate most of the time and he replies almost straight away. He came to my city without telling me a few weeks ago (but didn't tell me despite us chatting online only three days before) I felt quite offended and it turns out it was because he was changing work and it was secret. This was the reason not an excuse and it wasn't public knowledge with our group and he had to be secretive for work politics reasons.

He said he will for sure let me know when he is back here on vacation

For sure he is on the spectrum, it's pretty obvious to me now based on lots of things. It has been quite a few months but I must say I haven't felt such a strong connection to somebody before. I assume if he felt more strongly (romantically) he would maybe make contact but at least we managed to repair the connection.