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Anngables
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07 Aug 2017, 7:28 pm

So I come on here for advice blah de blah friendship with aspie . . . .does he like me, doesn't he . .. . .blah de blah. . .. . What should I do . . Not do etc etc.

I get blasted a lot . .. you're over analysing. . . .. you're wanting him to be more neurotypical You're not being fair etc etc

The point was . .. I wanted to be his friend . .. I have tried . . .. . . However there comes a point where if you get nothing back you are going to drift away. . . .. my friend no longer knows anything that is going on in my life. Probably he's not that interested. He just needs to know I'm ok from time to time, but he's not interested in what I'm doing, what's new in my world, what's exciting me or upsetting me. He just isn't . .. . If I point this out to him he will make an effort for a few days to ask me about my day etc etc but he is just being nice. . .. . Because he is nice, he is lovely.

BUT and this is the big but. . .. . To me it doesn't feel like a friendship. This is the big bridge between him and I . .. . But I think really and truly he doesn't want close friendships. He gets happiness from his Facebook interactions. . . His many community groups he is involved in and his work. He says he would miss me if we no longer communicated, he says he cares .. . .. . But I'm not convinced.

Read carefully what I have said before you lambast me. .. . No part of this is a criticism of my friend. I think he is a lovely wonderful person. That is why I wanted him in my life as a friend, but I feel myself reaching out to others. .. . .. I no longer feel able to just text, or message him. There have been too many conversations between us that have ended in misunderstandings. So I turn to other people, find myself filling the space I once hoped he would occupy as my close friend and confidante . .. . . .

I hope he won't be sad as I drift away . . .l. But I kind of think he's not going to notice . ., , , ,



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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07 Aug 2017, 8:44 pm

Anngables wrote:
So I come on here for advice blah de blah friendship with aspie . . . .does he like me, doesn't he . .. . .blah de blah. . .. . What should I do . . Not do etc etc.

I get blasted a lot . .. you're over analysing. . . .. you're wanting him to be more neurotypical You're not being fair etc etc

The point was . .. I wanted to be his friend . .. I have tried . . .. . . However there comes a point where if you get nothing back you are going to drift away. . . .. my friend no longer knows anything that is going on in my life. Probably he's not that interested. He just needs to know I'm ok from time to time, but he's not interested in what I'm doing, what's new in my world, what's exciting me or upsetting me. He just isn't . .. . If I point this out to him he will make an effort for a few days to ask me about my day etc etc but he is just being nice. . .. . Because he is nice, he is lovely.

BUT and this is the big but. . .. . To me it doesn't feel like a friendship. This is the big bridge between him and I . .. . But I think really and truly he doesn't want close friendships. He gets happiness from his Facebook interactions. . . His many community groups he is involved in and his work. He says he would miss me if we no longer communicated, he says he cares .. . .. . But I'm not convinced.

Read carefully what I have said before you lambast me. .. . No part of this is a criticism of my friend. I think he is a lovely wonderful person. That is why I wanted him in my life as a friend, but I feel myself reaching out to others. .. . .. I no longer feel able to just text, or message him. There have been too many conversations between us that have ended in misunderstandings. So I turn to other people, find myself filling the space I once hoped he would occupy as my close friend and confidante . .. . . .

I hope he won't be sad as I drift away . . .l. But I kind of think he's not going to notice . ., , , ,


If he struggles with text-based communication and it leads to misunderstandings frequently, why not try communicating in a different format like making calls to catch up instead of texting or messaging? It seems like the biggest source of misunderstandings is you not taking him at his word and insisting on continuing to behave in ways you know don't work for him (like texting when it obviously leads to you misunderstanding him.) He is likely telling you exactly what he thinks and feels, and yet you come here and say you don't believe him when he says he would miss you if you weren't in his life. I'm not sure what you want to hear, but this is just my perception of what you've shared.



kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2017, 8:45 pm

It's "normal" for people to "reach out to others" during a friendship, and during an exclusive romance, even.

It's also healthy.

Why keep yourself stuck on one person all the time?



Anngables
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07 Aug 2017, 9:03 pm

I don't want anything else .. .. . I'm just sharing sadness at how difficult it is to have these relationships and friendships with different neurological make ups . .. .. . ,, . .. .. read my other posts. See how. I have I have tried. .. . .. . I know he has too . .. . .but it just feels like an inevitable drifting away is going to happen.

And kraftie I have lots of other friends . .. . But my close friends we share stuff. . .. . ., he will always be a sort of friend but not what I consider a close friend . .. . And that's a shame because for a while we were. . .. .v close.



kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2017, 9:05 pm

I know it's difficult, Anna.

But you know the guy's "neurologically" different from you.

He doesn't have the same "friendship values" as you do.

Even so, it would be interesting to see what he would do if you ended up in the hospital.



boofle
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07 Aug 2017, 9:24 pm

I've seen your posts re your friend, off n on, OP.

In truth, it sounds as though it would be better for you if you did let him drift away. Let him go. Whatever happened between you, whatever caused the "drift"... It doesn't matter now.
Honestly speaking it's often sounded, to me, as tho your friendship hid romantic feelings (on your part) and so perhaps this drifting is the best thing for you in the long run.

I've had close friends come and go and yes, for a time there has been grief but to me your grief reads as tho it goes deeper? I'm not sure what I'm sensing. Just a quality to your words I've always sensed.

Neither here nor there tho. Let him go. He's just a friend. Sometimes we have these people come into our lives and they leave an imprint (both good or bad) before they go. Mark it down as one of those.

I'm sorry tho...that despite it all, things did not go to plan.



Anngables
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07 Aug 2017, 9:44 pm

Thanks boofle . .. .. . Not romantic. .. . Just I'm not used to losing friends. Most of mine have lasted 30yrs more and so it is against my nature to not feel I have worked hard to maintain a friendship. Romance . .. . Nah . . .. . .deep attachment yes. . .. .but I'm happy to walk away now .. . .. just don't want to be yet another unfeeling NT who isn't prepared to stick it out.



kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2017, 9:46 pm

You're not an "unfeeling NT."

The guy might be an "unfeeling person with autism."

I sort of hope you "stick it out," though.



boofle
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07 Aug 2017, 9:53 pm

Anngables wrote:
Thanks boofle . .. .. . Not romantic. .. . Just I'm not used to losing friends. Most of mine have lasted 30yrs more and so it is against my nature to not feel I have worked hard to maintain a friendship. Romance . .. . Nah . . .. . .deep attachment yes. . .. .but I'm happy to walk away now .. . .. just don't want to be yet another unfeeling NT who isn't prepared to stick it out.


Curious, but true. I too find it hurtful (and bloody annoying) when I see the comments re the "unfeeling NTs"... But I think you can rest assured that you gave it your All. End of the day, reciprocity is the oil that spins that wheel. Doesn't sound like you were getting it.

Don't care what the neurology of the person, it's the effort they expend to the best of their ability that matters. You did your level best. More than, in fact, going by what's been said here.
I don't think even HE will have grounds for complaints.

Stay strong :heart:



Anngables
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07 Aug 2017, 9:57 pm

Thank you. My lack of emotion about it is one thing that let's me know I have nothing left to give. . . . ... . If he needs me I would be there but otherwise I'm moving on and giving my energy to other people. Sad tho it may seem :heart:



boofle
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07 Aug 2017, 10:01 pm

^^^not sad at all. Self preservation is important.

Know what IS sad, tho? We're both still awake at 4.00am 8O

Bedtime! lol



rdos
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08 Aug 2017, 1:59 am

Anngables wrote:
The point was . .. I wanted to be his friend . .. I have tried . . .. . . However there comes a point where if you get nothing back you are going to drift away. . . .. my friend no longer knows anything that is going on in my life. Probably he's not that interested. He just needs to know I'm ok from time to time, but he's not interested in what I'm doing, what's new in my world, what's exciting me or upsetting me. He just isn't . .. . If I point this out to him he will make an effort for a few days to ask me about my day etc etc but he is just being nice. . .. . Because he is nice, he is lovely.


That's because he now sees it as a friendship and not as a potential romance, and you feel that friendships should be a lot closer than he does.

In fact, I don't do social chitchat with the few friends I have. I only message them when I have something substantial to say. For me, to know what goes on in somebody's life is far beyond the friendship state and long into romance territory. It's fine if a friend tells me things like that, even in great detail, but I won't ask for it. If I have discussions like that, it would typically be for research purposes, not because I want to know intimate details of somebody's life.

Anngables wrote:
BUT and this is the big but. . .. . To me it doesn't feel like a friendship. This is the big bridge between him and I . .. . But I think really and truly he doesn't want close friendships.


No, because a close connection like that is a relationship, not a friendship.



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08 Aug 2017, 4:02 am

And this rdos is where the problem lies and why so many aspies find to difficult to maintain friendships . .. . And Boofle . . . I slept hope you did too. I was doing art, the middle of the night always seems to be when I get the urge :D



rdos
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08 Aug 2017, 4:18 am

Anngables wrote:
And this rdos is where the problem lies and why so many aspies find to difficult to maintain friendships


It's only a problem between NDs and NTs. I have a few friendships based on "ND" standards, and I don't think it is a problem. I don't need to send updates about personal issues, and I can start discussions I find interesting or relevant at any time, sometimes after not having corresponded for weeks or months with somebody. If you want to be friends (as opposed to in a relationship) with NDs/Aspies, I think you need to adapt to this and not expect a continuous conversation in a friendship.



Anngables
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08 Aug 2017, 5:33 am

Well I'm sure in his mind then we will remain friends. . .. . .. I'm not going to ignore him or not be there, but in my book that is an aquinatance (which is fine) not a friendship.