Drifting away

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The issue I think for us NTs is trying to understand whether an aspie cares or not. You don't show it in the normal ways. You say ask . . I ask and he tells me "yes I care" however friends say to me . . ."he only says that because he has learnt it is the right thing to say . . ." One friend believes my aspie friend is only interested me when he wants something . . I.e. A trip out, some help with an issue or companionship.

I don't want to believe this bit .. . . It basically comes down to the question do Aspies feel emotions . . .. . . And I think is the crucial part of how our relationships become flawed. . . . . . .i am certain my friend does - there have been moments of real warmth and care . . .. . If I text him saying I feel low he will respond within minutes. . . . .he may not know what to do from that point on but his reaction is always to check what is the matter.

However doubt creeps in when I do not hear from him for periods of time . . .. . Why? I think just because the lack of "normal" NT responses means that us NTs are always unsure . . . .. the lack of signs of affection are subtle and often subconscious but mean we are always wondering wondering questioning . .. . This then diversely causes the worst possible reaction questioning, being clingy, demanding attention etc etc . . . .

I have another close male friendship NT(also non sexual) we can go days and days without speaking I never think anything of it . I am sure and certain of how he feels about me because he tells me . . .. he is able to notice small changes in my persona that might suggest I am upset and he will ring me or text me immediately. He can laugh at me when I am irritated which turns my mood around . .. . .

I understand that this difference is the main element of the autistic brain . . . .it is what makes it so difficult to make and maintain and understand social relationships . . . .. I adore my aspie friend I just wished there were a way for me to not question our friendship so often.

Anyway all good at the moment. He text me and we will be meeting Sunday

I mean no offense, but your friends are ignorant. They have the same perspective you are working from so they misinterpret him the same as you are. Just try trusting what he tells you and concentrate on how well you get along when you spend time with him. Remember, you both are operating on different sets of information, his reality is not your own and mistakes and misunderstands are bound to happen.

Imhere entirely up to you if you engage with rdos but suffice to say he has unique perspectives and from what I have been able to gauge, is usually overfond of *leading* discussions down the ND v NT merry-go-round.
I'll sum it up for you tho, to save him the bother.
NDs only suffer because they try to live according to NT rules. They have their own rules, if they would but let rdos guide them to it.
Or some such.

Blackimenace and this is exactly what I try to do . . . .now if I were as ignorant as my friend I would believe her . . .i don't if you read carefully . . .. however this is the crux of the problem, and always will be.

We continue to find our way forward. . . .. and I'm still here and all the time he reaches out to me, and lets me know he wants our friendship it will continue. . . . . I still worry he will forget about me at some point for too long a time and we will have drifted apart. . .. .

For information my friend was married to a ND man for many years . . . .. . . I feel she is too tough on him personally. She thinks I am too lenient in my acceptance of my friend. . .. . .. .

You are not helping or contributing positively to this discussion rdos. The whole point is what we, as NTs, feel when trying to be friends with an aspie that we care about and how that leaves us feeling unfulfilled and we don't know what to do. We do not want to be mere acquaintances, which is what you seem to say is our only option and we are to be happy with that because you say so. Just stop. You do not understand, you misinterpreted most of what was said, you are a self-proclaimed expert on ND relationships, and you are pushing your own agenda into a NT/Aspie argument. No one wants to see that crap. We are all here and learning from each other. Some of the Aspies here have said they appreciate the NT perspective because it helps them understand where they may have had problems with NTs. And, by the way, NTs make up the vast majority of the population of the planet that all of us, NT and Aspie, have to interact with every single day of our lives! So you cannot live in a vacuum in a perfect ND-only space. And no offense to all the wonderful people here, but you are wrong, Asperger's IS very much a disability, by it's very definition!! And some of us love you regardless!! And in some cases, it is the very nature of some of a person's individualized aspie traits that we love about you!!

NT - NT friendships . .. . Ok so I have lots of friends . .. . .. a friend is someone I would arrange to meet with, we would have each other's telephone number, we know a fair amount about each other's personal life and we have interests in common.

I have different friends I do different things with . . . .so I have my party friends . . ..they will call me up and invite me to parties, or gatherings and we will go to festivals,together. We have fun and good times. Outside of these events we may contact each other sporadically just to check everything ok
I have work friends - these are colleagues I get on with well. So we will talk about issues in our lives, issues in work. We will have each other's phone numbers and may chat via whatsapp etc a fair bit

Long term friends . .. .friends I have known for many many years . .. . .we don't have to see each other very often of speak very often. We know we will always be there for each other. Some of my long term friends live in other countries so they will always contact me when they are over here, we will meet up and spend hours chatting as if we had only seen each other the day before. I consider these people true friends

Then we have a small collection of people whom i feel really "get" me they understand how I tick . .. . They can often see why I am doing something in a certain way before I realise. We can have really deep conversations about almost any subject. We share the same outlook and philosophy on life. These are the people I can feel completely comfortable with.

Not sure if that helps . .. .

Anna. I think it's human nature to enjoy challenges. This man presents a challenge. The challenge itself probably adds vitality to your relationship with him.

What would happen if he, all of a sudden, catered to your every whim?

You're right Kraftie . . .. I do enjoy the challenge . . .. . .but it's a challenge I will never win I know that. Knowing and really believing that he cares for me is the crux of the problem, as I think is the crux of majority of NT - ND relationships, whether strong friendships or romance.