relationship advice for a clueless NT

Post Reply New Topic

I am dating someone with autism and I am feeling sad. I'm sad because we keep having the same issues recur over and over. I have been in a committed relationship with this person for more than three years, but he is annoying as hell sometimes. It often feels like our relationship is not a two-way street, i.e. there is no "give and take." Don't get me wrong, my bf gives me plenty in some ways - he is never hesitant to spend a lot of money on me, for instance - but when it comes to the more fundamental relationship items, he can come up sadly short.

I know I have a lot of responsibility to be patient and allow him to have his own ways of doing things, and I am pretty good at that. But whenever we have a problem in our relationship, it's so hard to have an adult conversation with him. If I sit down and try to explain a problem I'm having with him, he often takes it as a personal insult. That's just one example...if I had to name the one thing I'm most depressed about right now, I couldn't do it because I have a thousand things on my mind. I'm basically just venting. I do love my bf though and I want us to be happy together.

Any random advice or tips about how to communicate with or problem-solve with an aspie would be appreciated. Are the any ways that you can raise a sensitive issue without starting a fight?

Thanks for taking the time.

Make sure you preempt by reassuring it is not meant as criticism. Tell them to remember this doesn’t change the fact that you think they are pretty wonderful . . .. . .give them time to process what you are saying . . .. l hope this helps.

I’m NT in a close friendship with an aspie . . .. he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be perfect and finds any perceived criticism as difficult . . . .. these things seem to help when I have an issue. He also spends a lot of time presenting himself to the world as “normal” the fact that he trusts me enough to show me the more black and white side is in many ways a good thing . . .. . But it does make for some “interesting” discussions,!

Oh yes, I would love it if my (nt-)boyfriend would agree to argue through text.
Whenever we have a conflict, things goes way too fast for me. It's like I can't think properly in the "heat of the battle" and it always just ends up with emotional outbursts and one of us leaving.
The only time we can have a constructive conversation is when I've had some time to reflect on the issue. I need to be by myself, write things down, think it through, before I can even understand how I really feel about it. Once I've had some time to process, we can have a calm and constructive dialogue.
So, if my boyfriend has an issue with me, the best thing he can do is to say (or even write a note!) "hey, I have this problem (and be very precise about it!), and I'd like to discuss it with you. Would you please take some time to think about it and get back to me when you feel like you're ready for it?". I might take it too personal at first, but again, with some time to reflect I will understand that it's not meant as an attack on me. And he might have to remind me about it, because oftentimes I don't get how important that issue might be for him.

I often wish that he had a sort of manual. I'm trying very hard to show him that I love him. The best way I know how to do it is to spend money on him or cook for him. I also try to say that I love him a lot and give him compliments and stuff, but it seems like he still doesn't appreciate it. Maybe because it feels fake? Or maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way?
It would be so nice if I could have a list of instructions. Things I could do that would make him happy and feel loved. Because I obviously can't figure it out for myself.
Maybe your boyfriend could use a list like that too?

I however find text arguments horrible with my friend. He seems to get really angry very quickly by text and it’s as if he can’t remember that it is me at the other end.

I probably wouldn't do well with text-messages either. Those are pretty much like a verbal conversation to me. it goes really fast and the messages are short and don't say much.
However, an argument in letter-form is really great (don't send them by mail though. You can still be in the same room). You can get in longer, more accurate explanations, and you always get to finish your sentence and get to the point. You can't just fire off another comment here and there (as you can when phone-texting) but you can really take your time to get to the bottom of things.

Hello, I'm an Aspie so the following advice is based on me, so it might sound a bit bitter, sorry.

When people have tried to have 'conversations' with me, over a problem, a big thing is that the whole problem is a surprise to me, and I feel really stupid, while the other person doubts that I didn't know that they were upset. Also often people don't say there is a problem until after they have given me lots of second chances so when they say something, they are upset and unforgiving BUT I had no idea there was a problem so I'm not as apologetic as they are expecting and that makes them angrier.

So, if anything bothers you even a little bit, say something early on before it really bothers you (otherwise it will carry on).

Be aware that 'conversations' have probably gone badly in the past (I feel sick and panicky whenever anyone says they want to have a serious conversation with me).

Give plenty of time for him to think through his responses, I find people try to fill in my silences, which confuses me. I am easily confused when I'm trying to work out how I feel about something.

There is a definite limit to how sorry someone is going to be over something they have been doing wrong for years if you only just told them that they are doing it wrong, that's not being patent, that's making your Aspie feel stupid.

Don't be hesitant about making demands, everyone has some. If you need to hear 'I love you' every day, tell him. Just make sure you are VERY clear. There is no point in saying 'I need you to make more effort' 'I need you to try harder' 'I shouldn't have to spell it out' YOU WILL ALWAYS NEED TO SPELL IT OUT.

Good luck with your Aspie.

Sounds like you're making an effort, that's great.

IMO, if he's unwilling to do anything that treats his symptoms in any way (dietary changes, exercise, meditation, counselling/therapy, medication - whatever) then you can expect more of the same forever, as he will continue to be the same person. If you stay with him, accept that. In that case, the only thing you can do is recognize when he's being autistic as F/about to have a meltdown, and control your own reactions to it by not saying anything, walking away etc - just let him be and calm down before trying to have a productive conversation about your relationship because when he's in that state the chances of anything good coming from further conversation approach zero.

Good luck!

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.