Well, I guess this is the end of it.

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My “gf” (who started as a FWB at first but she insisted that we become bf/gf) is now in her country for vacation; I have been with her less than 1 year and we met only like once or twice every couple of weeks.

I recall something with her made me really uncomfortable at the beginning: She told me she loves me after the very first date, and claimed she loved me even online before that. I recall I argued with her on that telling her it’s all fantasy in her head and better to continue as fwbs. A part of me felt this early love declaration to be fishy honestly.

Also I recall her old sister complained once about her bf of being stingy and buying her a cheap gift(in her view) , I know she is not her sister...but this is making me think now, her older sister is really influencial on her in everything.


Lately she had been hinting she’s having a hard time to fix her house there.

This morning, she sent me today an unpleasant message:
She asked me if she can borrow from me a $1000 (we are both from third world economies, that’s a lot for both).

I feel the whole relationship is ruined by just this one message.

And my fears were true.

I totally get you, I'd feel the same way.

I wouldn't want to continue with this girl.

^ The funny thing I was about to buy her TODAY a significant e-gift card to send it as a surprise gift on xmas(since she won't return before January and that's the fastest thing to send), but now this....boom!

I asked my ex's opinion on the matter - she's from the same culture as her, she told me to test her by saying no and watch her reaction.



Well, of course....she makes sense.

What I did is showing her this article:
https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/loani ... ea/1504234

She says that she was very hestitated and regrets asking me. She says now she feels ashamed now.

But now what? I thought our relationship was based on true real attraction, now I feel disgust.

Only from an outsider’s POV, it seems like you’re being very harsh on her. Don’t make a big deal out of it, just say you “can’t afford it, sorry”. Then see how she acts from then on. Shaming her and putting her down isn’t the answer until you know what’s behind it. You’re just jumping to a conclusion and assuming she’s out to make money from you, that’s not very nice.

It also doesn’t take a lot for you to end a relationship, it seems. I mean, why did she want to borrow this money, what would it have funded?

I have serious trust issues when it comes to this due to previous experiences.

What did I do that consists as shaming her?

I noticed. From when you used to take it out on me, but that’s the past now.

As for shaming, I think I misread. I mean, on here you are upset with her and thinking of ending the relationship already. I understand how you might feel like she’s already betrayed you in a way, but it doesn’t hurt to step back and question her motives first.

It’s very unlikely that situation could happen to me that I would need to ask a partner for that amount of money, but it would take a big deal for me to ask. If she’s in some sort of bad situation, or it could get worse, then maybe it took her a lot of courage and trust to ask you in the first place. As I said, it depends what she needs it for. I’m not in any way saying you should say yes if you really can’t, or just don’t want to, that’s up to you. I wouldn’t go ending a perfectly good relationship over it though.

You don't have to do anything drastic, but please stay rational, and be careful that it doesn't end up in a reverse shaming situation, where's she's suddenly a victim, and you're supposed to feel bad for questioning her motives.

Unless you're living together, this sort of thing shouldn't happen at all, ever. You're not a bank.

I agree that a polite refusal would be the best. Like, "I can't afford it" suggested above.
It might be whole her sister's idea, as you are far away, she may be now more influenced by her.

I strongly strongly disagree, saying he can't afford it is stupid.

First and foremost because it's a lie.. Who in their right mind would want a relationship built on lies? Doesn't sound healthy to me.

Second because it's weak. Even when if it has consequences, it's always better to tell the truth. It doesn't make you a bad person, and if she's really right for you, she wouldn't think so either.

How is it even possible to know who you're compatible with, if you're hiding yourself? It's not right.

Logically, when one asks for a sum such $1000 at a time from one person, usually it means there’s a problem much bigger than $1000.

My ex (who’s of the same culture as her), explained that siblings and even cousins often rely on those who work, especially those who work abroad because they are assumed to make much more, that’s why she (the ex) avoids going in vacation to her country because it gets so stressful. She told me she’s 100% sure what’s going on with her.

And I think the ex is right because she (the gf) mentioned before her brother and sister there relying on her.
She also is single mom, but the father is still living, it shouldn’t be my responsibilty and I made it clear from the begining that I am not a father replacement and she should never see me in this way.

This one sister lives in my country.

Okay, it can be simple "I won't" if Boo prefers that. Just refuse but don't make a big thing about it. If she reacts drastically, it will be her.

She apologized and admitted she crossed the line, she was just desperate she says and she assured she doesn't see as a sugar daddy (I am younger than her anyway!).

Anyway without telling her in advance, I sent her third of that amount - but as a xmas gift , she is my dearest friend after all and it's Christmas and it's something I planned to do before she asks to borrow (original plan was a gift card for shopping chain there since cash as gift feels very tasteless, but I switched to plain cash after i knew what she needs most) , I won't ever want to involve debts in relationships - this would make things turn ugly. Anyway she was most grateful.



Yes, I hope this was a one time incident and I hope she doesn't have any such ulterior motifs. I ll keep an eye on things.

The lady is in economic need. She’s looking for cash from any source. You’re her lover, so it’s sort of natural for her to ask you.

If you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money. If she gets bitchy, leave her

Who knows? Her response might be: maybe I’ll ask my dad, instead. Maybe they don’t get along is why she didn’t ask him originally.

She’s in a bit of a spot. You’re not obligated to get her out if it.

This happens all the time around the world. It doesn’t make one morally screwy if one asks for a loan. If she gets bitchy about it, that’s another story.

She didn't get bitchy when I said no it's a bad idea, anyway check the update.