Don't know if I'm on a hopeless journey or not

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Marknis
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16 Apr 2018, 1:36 pm

I sometimes wonder if any hope I get towards finding a girlfriend is just false hope and the journey will just end in vain. I don't have a past with much significant interaction with the opposite sex so I fear that my future is defined by where I came from. After nearly 12 years of struggle and no break in sight, how can I expect things to ever change? But if I give up, it will feel like all my struggling was for nothing.



goldfish21
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16 Apr 2018, 2:44 pm

Stop your endless quest to find a girlfriend and start changing yourself instead.


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16 Apr 2018, 3:07 pm

Stop looking for a girlfriend. It doesn't work like that. Change yourself instead if you think you need to!


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AngelRho
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16 Apr 2018, 3:51 pm

Stop looking for a ... CRAP!! ! GoshDARNIT!! !

Dittos what THEY said.



goldfish21
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16 Apr 2018, 4:01 pm

Also, stop looking for a girlfriend and focus more on the immediate present of finding a date. People typically don’t like the whole commitment thing right off the bat. Girls are open to meeting for a date, but they don’t want to commit to being a guy’s girlfriend - that’s simply what happens over time as a relationship develops. You’re shooting yourself in the foot by looking for a girlfriend instead of a date.. you may as well go full out and say you’re looking for the great grandmother to your great grandchildren.

But even before seeking a date you should focus on yourself and making you a more datable Marknis.


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Marknis
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16 Apr 2018, 5:34 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
Also, stop looking for a girlfriend and focus more on the immediate present of finding a date. People typically don’t like the whole commitment thing right off the bat. Girls are open to meeting for a date, but they don’t want to commit to being a guy’s girlfriend - that’s simply what happens over time as a relationship develops. You’re shooting yourself in the foot by looking for a girlfriend instead of a date.. you may as well go full out and say you’re looking for the great grandmother to your great grandchildren.

But even before seeking a date you should focus on yourself and making you a more datable Marknis.


Then what were all those years for? I don't know how to keep going without feeling like the last 12 years were all for nothing.

I didn't differentiate between dating and getting a girlfriend because they came off to me as being one in the same. I also hated how I didn't have a past with many significant interactions with the opposite sex and wondered if my 'time' was finally going to come after suffering for so long.



goldfish21
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16 Apr 2018, 5:41 pm

Stop living in the past. 12 years ago doesn’t matter. Yesterday doesn’t matter. There is only here and now, the present moment. Start utilizing it and your future present moments will be better off for it.

So live and learn. Focus on the immediate steps required, not the long term goal. When I step outside my door and go for a run I’m not doing the Tough Mudder, I’m going for a training run to prepare for it. Same with dating. Aim for a date, and after enough of them you’ll be prepared for a relationship when it’s meant to be. Stop thinking you can skip steps 2-9 and leap from 1-girlfriend. Same with getting a date. Present you can’t get a date, so, focus on improving yourself until you can.


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Marknis
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16 Apr 2018, 9:37 pm

My older brother got girlfriends off the bat, though. His looks as well as his aggressive attitude made girls go crazy for him and I was always upstaged by him. He's now obese and stuck in a bad marriage with four kids but he can always say "Yes" to questions about relationships while I can only say "No".



goldfish21
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16 Apr 2018, 9:42 pm

Are you going to continue to reminisce about other people’s lives or are you going to follow the advice that EVERYONE here is telling you for good reason and start working on yourself?


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The Grand Inquisitor
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17 Apr 2018, 5:55 am

Are you any closer to moving out and starting an independent lifestyle than you were 12 years ago?



whatamievendoing
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18 Apr 2018, 12:46 pm

Marknis wrote:
My older brother got girlfriends off the bat, though. His looks as well as his aggressive attitude made girls go crazy for him and I was always upstaged by him. He's now obese and stuck in a bad marriage with four kids but he can always say "Yes" to questions about relationships while I can only say "No".


I'll let you in on something: this is one situation where you're not benefiting yourself by comparing yourself to this brother of yours. Even less so by only compaining and doing nothing to improve yourself, as goldfish21 said.

How many more times are you going to make essentially the same thread and get essentially the same feedback until you start taking it upon yourself to give your life a facelift?


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Hollywood_Guy
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18 Apr 2018, 2:49 pm

Markins, I sometimes had the same feelings you do, and still get those sometime. But, I'm also jumping on the rest of the bandwagon here.

What goldfish21 said reminds me of my experiences with "wanting a girlfriend". After a lot of the whole time, I eventually realized that I wanted to try to find dates rather than commit to a relationship now.



CockneyRebel
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18 Apr 2018, 4:27 pm

You've got to work on yourself before you start looking for a girlfriend. You've also got to go after girls who are interested in having a relationship. When a girl says no, she means no. When a girl says yes she means yes. Pursue the yes girls and leave the no girls alone.


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Marknis
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20 Apr 2018, 12:52 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Are you any closer to moving out and starting an independent lifestyle than you were 12 years ago?


In some ways I am. I didn't have a vehicle in 2006 but I've had one since 2009 and I pay for my own inspections, oil changes, and registrations. I can also file my own tax returns and I do my own grocery shopping when the need comes up.



goldfish21
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20 Apr 2018, 2:34 am

What are you going to do to work on yourself so that your journey isn't hopeless?


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The Grand Inquisitor
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20 Apr 2018, 8:36 am

Marknis wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Are you any closer to moving out and starting an independent lifestyle than you were 12 years ago?


In some ways I am. I didn't have a vehicle in 2006 but I've had one since 2009 and I pay for my own inspections, oil changes, and registrations. I can also file my own tax returns and I do my own grocery shopping when the need comes up.

That sounds like good progress from 2006 to 2009. What about more recently? Owning a car isn't so much a contributing factor to moving out of home, though still is helpful with independence to some degree. Doimg your own tax returns and grocery shopping are also good skills to have, and will come in handy when you move out.