I don't know how to reject him.

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clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 6:51 am

(First of all, English isn't my first language)

I don't know how to let down a guy. I'm scared of hurting his feelings and I'm also scared of losing him as a friend because I have no other friends.
I met him at my last job a year ago. He told me a couple of months ago that he has a crush on me and I then told him I only want to be friends and that I have no romantic feelings for him, which he said he was OK with. But about 2 weeks ago we started to cuddle, hug, kiss. Yesterday it became sexual because I can't say no easily :( . However, I don't like sex and kissing at all, and I don't want a boyfriend. I told him a few days ago I don't want a boyfriend, then he said 'you can say what you want, but to me you are my girlfriend'. He makes plans about us going on summer vacation, introducing me to his family and friends, sharing his bed with me for the next 40 years, he wants to clear some wardrobes in his bedroom for me to bring some stuff. He's taking it too far all of a sudden. I know I should have broken it off earlier but it's kind of nice to have someone to hug and cuddle, and I don't have any friends, and at the moment I have no job so I'm very lonely and stressed.
I'm scared of talking to him about not wanting a relationship and sex.



Wolfram87
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20 Jan 2018, 7:27 am

Hate to say it, but this is kind of on you. He was upfront with his feelings, and you told him "no", but then suddenly had sex with him. That is the mother of all mixed messages. Rejecting him without hurting his feelings is exceedingly unlikely to be doable at this point.

If you're that starved for physical intimacy, get a dog. He's not your pet.


Though, to be fair, the "you're my girlfriend whether you like it or not" was pretty creepy.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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20 Jan 2018, 8:38 am

He didn’t notice anything strange while having sex with you?

How receptive you were with him?



magz
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20 Jan 2018, 8:47 am

If you want to know my opinion – RUN!
He is abusing you. He is abusing your inability to say no. He is trying to control you. He is disregarding your disagreement with him.
He is NOT your friend anymore. Friends respect each other's boundaries. He doesn't.
Run to the hills and don't look back!


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kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 8:54 am

I would say that you don’t want a boyfriend. You don’t want intimacy. You don’t want to marry him and meet his family.

He will get upset, but this is something you MUST do; otherwise you WILL be sharing his bed for the next 40 years.

Just say you want to be the master of your own destiny.



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 9:03 am

Sorry, I wasn't very clear on that point but we didn't have sex. It was sexual, at least for him. He was rubbing his penis against my belly and then he came. I told him last week I don't want sex and he said 'don't worry, I don't even have condoms in the house.' But after what happened yesterday I know it has reached the point where I have to reject him properly and clearly before he thinks I'm willing to take it further.

I appreciate your brilliant advice on getting a pet, Wolfram, but besides that it's impossible for various reasons to get a pet, I don't even like dogs.(: And the dog would hump too.



Sycamore
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20 Jan 2018, 9:09 am

If you actively dislike sexual activity but have already succumbed to him initiating sexual activity once, then I think you need to set extremely firm boundaries for both of you, otherwise, as kraftiekortie says, you will end up engaging in more sexual activity with him. And "extremely firm boundaries" probably means either cutting off all contact, or only ever seeing him in public during the day-time in future. I wouldn't go quite as far as magz in saying he is definitely trying to control you, however the relationship between the two of you is extremely messed-up and potentially harmful. Saying that he's going to consider you his girlfriend regardless of your wishes is creepy, controlling and abusive. However, if you appeared responsive to him initiating sexual activity then he may have thought your wishes and feelings about the relationship were changing. As Wolfram87 says, it is a hugely mixed message for you to tell him verbally that you don't want a boyfriend or sexual contact but then to respond to his sexual advances and engage in sexual activity with him. You say that you "can't say no easily". That is unlikely to change in the short term, so if you allow yourself to get into a similar situation as last night with him again, then it is highly likely he will initiate sexual contact and you will not stop that again. Hence, the safest option is to cut all contact, or - failing that - only see him in public during the daytime. He might take offence if you suggest the latter, but a true friend would respect your need to feel safe and set your own boundaries.



kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 9:12 am

What do you think would happen (with him) should you reject him?

I apologize for being so blunt—but this is your future you’re talking about.

You have to leave him no doubt, whatsoever, about you not wanting to marry him.



Sycamore
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20 Jan 2018, 9:18 am

clay5 - You wrote your last post whilst I was writing mine. I'd reiterate you needing to have extremely strong boundaries. From your recent post, it's not clear whether you yourself engaged in anything which would universally be described as "sexual". However, if you are going to maintain contact with this guy, I would say you need to not kiss him (as described in first post) and need to limit your physical interaction to very brief hugs as you would give a platonic friend, or maybe even cut those out for a while - explaining to him that you really don't want a sexual or romantic relationship and need to make this ultra-clear to both him and yourself in your own mind, hence absolutely minimal or no physical contact for a while whilst both of you get it clear that you are absolutely just friends and nothing whatsoever more. If he doesn't accept this, I'd then follow magz's advice of running for the hills. As a general point, looking into improving your assertiveness and your ability to say "no" when it's really vitally important might be a good idea.



kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 9:21 am

The guy, basically, satisfied himself without any regard for her satisfaction.



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 10:06 am

this is not an abuse situation, he made his intentions very clear up front, he wants a relationship, not a friendship, leading him on by repeatedly kissing and cuddling with the guy to satisfy her own need for a hug was very wrong, the guy's clearly fallen for her and is being played by her because she's feeling lonely, to cry abuse in this situation is wrong, she need to cut ties with him and stop trying to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't see her in that way.



The_Face_of_Boo
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20 Jan 2018, 10:22 am

Probably_Drunk wrote:
this is not an abuse situation, he made his intentions very clear up front, he wants a relationship, not a friendship, leading him on by repeatedly kissing and cuddling with the guy to satisfy her own need for a hug was very wrong, the guy's clearly fallen for her and is being played by her because she's feeling lonely, to cry abuse in this situation is wrong, she need to cut ties with him and stop trying to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't see her in that way.


Oh my... you’re so logical, I am falling for you already!

Nah.

But omg, I do agree with all what you wrote. I don’t think magz was being fair.



kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 10:34 am

I don’t think the guy is a bad guy, either.

He seems like the old-fashioned type who has a possessive streak.

She has to tell him she doesn’t want to marry him.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 20 Jan 2018, 10:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

magz
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20 Jan 2018, 10:48 am

Okay, I read it you ended up having sex without you really wanting it.
Yes, maybe he is not as much abusing as misreading you. Reading something like "conquer me" signals where you wanted to put your boundaries.
Still, I consider this situation extremely unhealthy – planning his future with you without your consent.
I agree to Sycamore's advice: no kissing, meeting only in public, daytime. No hugs. Hugs can have extreme power.
Make your message clear.


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Last edited by magz on 20 Jan 2018, 10:52 am, edited 2 times in total.

Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 11:04 am

clay5 wrote:
(First of all, English isn't my first language)

I don't know how to let down a guy. I'm scared of hurting his feelings and I'm also scared of losing him as a friend because I have no other friends.
I met him at my last job a year ago. He told me a couple of months ago that he has a crush on me and I then told him I only want to be friends and that I have no romantic feelings for him, which he said he was OK with. But about 2 weeks ago we started to cuddle, hug, kiss. Yesterday it became sexual because I can't say no easily :( . However, I don't like sex and kissing at all, and I don't want a boyfriend. I told him a few days ago I don't want a boyfriend, then he said 'you can say what you want, but to me you are my girlfriend'. He makes plans about us going on summer vacation, introducing me to his family and friends, sharing his bed with me for the next 40 years, he wants to clear some wardrobes in his bedroom for me to bring some stuff. He's taking it too far all of a sudden. I know I should have broken it off earlier but it's kind of nice to have someone to hug and cuddle, and I don't have any friends, and at the moment I have no job so I'm very lonely and stressed.
I'm scared of talking to him about not wanting a relationship and sex.

re-read the post, the only reason she hasn't ended this already is because she wants a hug and a cuddle, what she is doing is so wrong.