Being ghosted over skype freezing out

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I met a girl on christiandatingforfree, she was raped and she has PTSD after that. She made it clear she isn't comfortable talking about the topic, but when I was asking her other questions about her life, not about rape at all, they sort of lead to it. Like for example I asked her about the choice of church that she goes to and somehow it relates to it.

Its also weird that she wants to transfer schools, either into some other school in Colorado, or to some school in California. She has no idea which schools she wants to transfer to, she just has to search the area. So I asked her does she have friends or relatives there? She didn't give me any clear answer. I just find it weird since I live in neither of those two states, the fact that she is willing to move, but to the specific two states in which I am "not" living, is kinda a bummer. Although of course its too early to talk about it since we were talking for only a couple of days.

The other weird thing I found about her is that in the facebook profile she gave me, she only has three friends, me including. When I talked about it to someone on my facebook he said she sounds like a scammer. So I pointed out to him: if she was a robot, how would she be able to talk to me for two days straight, and actually understand things I been saying and respond in meaningful way? Also why would she herself suggest to skype with me if she wasn't real, and why would I see her face and hear her voice over skype? So I don't think she is a scammer, I am suspecting it is one of the weird things she does due to PTSD.

And this brings me to the topic of this thread. So, as I said, she suggested herself that we talk on skype, and I asked her when, she said on sunday. Then on saturday she asked me how have I been, and I told her how I am not looking forward towards helping my mom move and also how professor wasn't happy that I weren't paying attention in his lectures. She asked me "why were you not paying attention in his lectures" and then went on to tell me how she writes on a journal about some of her "difficult choices" that she is puzzling about. I answered her question as to why I am not paying attention in his lectures: namely I am doing second ph.d. in math, my first one was in physics, and I really want to be physicist I am only in school because I could find a job. She said this explains it, and asked me do I have any chances of getting a different type of job involving physics and I said yes if I wanted to but I don't want to I really want to be a professor, she just said "good luck with that". So it sounded like she lost interest, so I asked her if she did or not, and she said she "sees some compatibility" but needs to see me face to face to decide. So then I asked her when can she see me face to face and she said at the time when I can come to southern California, I told her its hard because I keep from my mom I am on dating sites, and I will go visit my mom till august, she said I can come in August, I said "good it will give me some time to figure things out" and she said "figure what out", so I said "find physics conferences applicable to my topic that are in southern california".

In any case, the above conversation took place Saturday night; we were planning to video-chat on Sunday. But after that conversation she asked me if I was busy and if I could video-chat with her then and there -- Saturday night. Now, the girls that flake would be more likely to postpone, not make it earlier. So why did she decide to make it earlier? Was she doubting that I wasn't real, and wanted to check that I am who I say I am? One thing I am thinking about is I mentioned helping my mom move to a different house. Do you think that might sound suspicious that I would ask her for money? I mean I wouldn't, but do you think she thought that? In any case, I said sure, lets chat now, but I need to take an uber to my dorm, and it would take maybe half an hour for me to get there, and then I can chat. She said sure she can wait. So I got to my dorm (it actually took 45 minutes, not 30 minutes, but she didn't seem to mind) and then when I sent her a message that I got there, she called me on a video over facebook, and now where the drama seem to start

So the video kept freezing on my laptop. Thinking back I realize I had too many windows open, so maybe I should have closed some of the windows or rebooted it or whatever. But you see, I weren't thinking that hard, since I didn't realize that this little detail will lead to so many misunderstanding. So I just kept repeating that it freezes and I can't hear anything and eventually asked her to use skype. She told me it would be hard for her to set up skype. So I tried to talk on video chat again. It kept freezing most of the time, but occasionally I heard some full sentences. So it would go in circles I would be like "okay now I hear you, you said such and such" and hten again "I have no idea, its silent and you are frozen". Anyway, one thing that I DID hear her saying was "what is on your mind", and she said it in a super loving voice (her voice during entire conversation sounded extremely loving, which is also weird: why would she sound so loving and then go on to ghost me afterwords?) In any case, I really had no idea what ot answer in the response to "whats on your mind", but since I had to answer "something" the obvious answer would be the videochat thing, since it drew all of my mind's attention at the time. But then I misspoke, instead of saying "videochat" I said "skype". I shouldn't have said it, since she already told me its hard for her to make skype work. But you see, I am using "videochat" and "skype" as synonyms, and I guess I weren't paying that close attention to the words that came out of my mouth until I actually said them. So I said "skype", caught myself saying it, was hoping she could overlook that, but then it happened again. In any case, after I said "skype" 3 or 4 separate times in response to her 3 or 4 inquiries "what is on your mind" (which, like I said, are hard to answer anyway) she said that she will try to figure out how skype works and contact me there instead.

And now the ghosting starts I said "sorry it was hard to hear", and "my skype account is such and such". It said she read both of those messages, but she didn't respond to them. Then I was waiting for her to "figure out skype", I waited for over two hours. So probably 15 mintues later I sent her a message that she doesn't have to figure out skype, maybe I can reboot my computer. The message was left unread. After an hour of my waiting I sent her a message to give her a heads up that I was going to go to bed in an hour. That message was left unread as well. Then an hour later I sent her another message telling her I was going to bed hope to talk to you tomorrow. It was left unread as well. Then when tomorrow came, which is sunday (and remember we originally agreed to talk on sunday) I told her I was home if she still wants to talk. Again unread. Then next day I sent her a message asking her if I offended her about the skype thing, again unread.

So do any of you have any explanation as to why she reacted this way? I mean, keep in mind: we were talking for two days prior to that, and each of those two days we talked several hours straight. Sure, I asked her some questions that made her uncomfortable, but I was backing off quickly and things became good again. So it truly did seem like skype is what caused this whole turn around. If so then why would she have time to talk to me for so many hours, yet won't have patience for skype malfunctioning for few minutes? Also, I sent her a photo long before we skyped and she liked my photo. So I don't see why she would like me any less on skype. Its possible, however, that its the voice she didn't like, my voice is naturally loud and monotone, a lot of people tell me that my loud voice sounds like I am angry; and that time it was probably a bit louder than usual since I was assuming she would have difficulty hearing me too since I couldn't hear her, although it wasn't frustrated-loud it was trying-to-overcome-skype type of loud. But maybe it didn't come across this way.

Or do you think that she just decided I am fake and am making excuse not to talk to her? Remember I mentioned how I talked about helping my mom move shortly before that skype thing. So do you think that when I said I will help my mom move, she decided I will ask for money (although I weren't going to) and so she decided to skype with me sooner than planned to see if I am real, and when skype didn't work she was like "oh yeah he isn't real, I was right".

Or could it be that facebook censures sexually explicit chats, so she decided that I wanted to go on skype so that I could cyber with her uncensored? I mean that wasn't anything I was planning to do at all, I was just trying to get past the freezing. But could it be thats what she thought, particularly since she was raped?

And then there was someone who told me "she" might have been the fake one judging by the fact that she has only three friends on facebook. Well its hard to believe, seeing how she talked to me for two days in a row, and was understanding and responding to things I been saying. Of course, her loving voice on the video chat did sound fake, but everything else seem to prove she was real. I would attribute her having three friends on facebook to the damage that was done by rape.

I did run her question "whats on your mind" on google, and some of the things I found was that girls ask this question when they want me to tell them that I am thinking about them. If so, then maybe she was upset I didn't do it? But once again, she didn't sound that eager over chat. Remember how I said that she was telling me she was puzzled in terms of what she wants, and when I said if we are compatible she said she "sees some compatibility". Well it doesn't sound like someone who would just randomly want me to tell her how much I love her the first moment we chanou

Or could it be that she thought I had another woman who was about to come so I faked video chat not working and if she did set Skype up I would have found another excuse?

Or do you think she thought I had a lot of porn and that's why my laptop froze? I don't have porn it was mostly religious sites I had but maybe she didn't know it?

In any case, how do you interpret what have happened?

Maybe she just can’t be bothered. I seriously doubt that you did anything offensive.

People ghost me when they can’t be arsed reading a message, I also do the same to others. I don’t have a problem with them, I just don’t feel like talking.

You’re reading into it too much.

You’re 38, why do you care what your mother thinks of dating sites? If someone that age said that to me I would be like. Hmmm, wow, that’s a strange thing to say.

Keep in mind,

1) She didn't simply not respond to "one" of my messages. She stopped responding to "all" of them.

2) We talked for several hours and she was responding just fine, and then all of a sudden she stopped

3) What was not working was video chat. So why not continue to text like we did before? Or are you saying she decided texting is useless since we won't transition into video chatting in foreseabke future? Well the latter would be misunderstanding in and of itself. My video chat works just fine most of the time; something just happened to it that day. The only reason I mentioned Skype was to be able to video chat that particular moment when Facebook video chat happened not to be working. I was perfectly fine using Facebook video chat any other time since like I said usually it works just fine. True I didn't spell it out this way but its frustrating when she won't give me a chance to do so since she decided to stop opening my messages.



My mom treats me as a little kid. So what am I supposed to do? I mean no I am not living at home: I go to school in different state from my mom and I even spent few years in India (now I am back to the US but a different state from her). She still treats me like a little kid when I visit her. So what else am I supposed to do?

Last edited by MalchikBrodyaga on 09 May 2018, 4:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

Personally, I would tell your mother that you’re an adult and to mind her own business.

As for the girl, probably just lost interest. People have very short attention spans these days. How engaged was she when you were talking? Was it mainly you asking all the questions? How long were her replies?

Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. From what you wrote here, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s easy to catastrophise things when in reality it isn’t that at all. I do it all the time. It seems she probably wasn’t that interested in yhe beginning and then couldn’t be bothered. Don’t blame yourself.

As a teenager, I met up with a lot of guys online to stop them hassling me about it, not because I actually wanted to. I’m sure it happens quite a bit.

At first both were asking each other questions but then she started evading answering some of mine claiming they are somehow relates to her rape which she didn't want to remember (that included the questions as innocent as why she goes to this church rather than other) but she continued asking me questions. In fact the way I know she continued asking questions is that the only two things that kept conversation going was my asking her questions and her asking me questions. Now, after I stopped asking her questions, the conversation continued for another few hours. So clearly she been asking me questions and that's what kept it going.

Now, even though I said it was several hours I would say the number of questions she asked was probably less than 10. Basically she would ask me a question I would wall-text her in response it would take me 15 minutes to type a response on my cell by that time she would log off of Facebook and then it would take another half an hour to an hour till she logs back on and asks another question in response to what I said.

Also sometimes she asked me what's on my mind and it was difficult to answer. She also asked me what's on my mind over video chat as well and then I just said Skype. Probably that was a mistake.

In any case she was the one to suggest video chat, that's why its hard to believe she lost interest prior to actual attempt at video chat. Or are you saying she might have list interest yet suggested video chat anyway?

P.S since you asked how long were her replies I remember at least a few long ones, although she only did few long ones and others are short while I wrote almost all of them long.

Last edited by MalchikBrodyaga on 09 May 2018, 5:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

She was 27. Definitely not a teenager. I wouldn't be contacting teenahers since its illegal.

As far as my being 38 I asked her if age difference was okay and she said it was.

You are overthinking this one: dating sites are full of people like this who aren't really serious about dating and basically are only there on the off chance God himself asks them out. The fact that she would tell you about being raped right away is a HUGE red flag right there. Not to say that you should avoid anyone who was raped or had PTSD but most emotionally healthy people would NOT be so open about it.

Having said that:

How do I say this nicely? This is something I would NEVER expect to hear from anyone over 21 for any reason. She probably thought you were a Norman Bates type person after reading that line!

How about politely explaining that you are an adult, you demand to be treated like an adult and you won't tolerate being condescended to like a little kid. I would also throw in a few stories about how I "scored" just for fun

Meh I am not sure people who are emotionally healthy, hide that they've had a traumatic experience or PTSD...perhaps it came up somehow, its not like we have the word for word conversation between her and the OP.

I'd say though chances are she needs to focus on her mental health and healing to come to terms with the PTSD and trauma. I would imagine her ghosting him had a lot to do with that, perhaps she realized she's not ready to commit to a romantic relationship and the video chat not working was just another sign of that to her. So she probably figured it best to cut contact than try to explain herself...maybe to avoid the OP getting anymore attached.

Okay, the way her rape came up is that she asked me why am I still single, I said because of my Asperger, she asked me to tell her what symptoms of Asperger are, I told her about the way people misunderstand me. She then told me she understands and she also has some issues as well, although they are different from mine. I asked her which were they. She said PTSD. I asked what was the traymatic expeeience that caused it, she said someone took something from her. So I said do you mean you were raped, she said yes.

In any case, she was raped when she was 14 and right now she is 27. But it did sound like a lot of what she does is colored by rape.

Yeah, there is a good chance she needs to get some help to work through some of that stuff, and a relationship is not something she has the capacity for at this time. I'd say its more to do with that than anything you did wrong. Maybe she thought it would make her feel better to talk to you, and then it didn't or maybe something about the whole interaction triggered her too much to continue interacting. So yeah I'd say its more to do with where she is at in life than anything you did.

I have PTSD and it can be pretty consuming until you finally get help...trouble is with PTSD a lot of people will bottle it up from a time or just try to run away from it, its one of the key symptoms. Like maybe they want to date, go to school do this or that and shove the PTSD down to try to do that, but then it just festers and symptoms get worse. Eventually you have to confront it, in order to actually move on in life.

This is likely for the better because even if you tried you probably would not have been able to help her with that. She needs more professional help.

Some friendly advice but if someone asks you that in the future, just said something like "why don't you tell me?" and change the subject. I will also mention that starting a relationship based on having common "issues" is a train wreck waiting to happen. I am exhibit A with my first girlfriend (who was likely raped). I was flattered she was so open about all those 'nasty' guys only to find out later she is probably telling everyone how I was the nastiest one of all.

I know what you are trying to say and I don't necessarily disagree but someone who talks about this before even meeting is usually going to project that rage onto you if you get involved with them. I have plenty of experience in my life paying for someone else's sins.

I tend to agree with your analysis or what "went wrong" but it still doesn't excuse someone ghosting like that. A simple "I don't think this is going to work out" is the minimum that should be expected from an adult.

Are you saying this pertaining to all kinds of PTSD, or only the ones caused by rape? I mean, if it is about the ones caused by rape then I can see the logic: they are afraid that any other man might rape them as well; but if it is something unrelated, such as the death of the loved one, then why can't you be in a relationship while you still grieve? Wouldn't the partner only make it better by being there for you?

And, in any case, do you have any idea why the skype thing triggered it? You said in the other reply that the skype thing has shown her she is not ready for a relationship. But, from my perspective, skype is just a technology, how can it possibly show anything about either of us? Or am I missing something?

You don’t even know that the skype thing triggered it. Maybe she brought it forward so she could get it out of the way because she didn’t really want to do it.

Either way, she isn’t interested and it’s most likely not your fault. If someone wants to know, a chat malfunctioning wont get in the way.

I agree with hale_bopp that she was simply looking for any excuse to end it. I dated plenty of women like this and spent hours micro-analyzing everything I said and did. It's like this episode of the Simpsons.

It's obvious that this isn't the real reason Lisa was disqualified (she got in the way of a tobacco company if you haven't seen this episode) just as the Skype thing had nothing to do with what happened to you.

1. So what would she have done if the video chat worked?

2. If I take your word for it that she used video chat as a way out, do you think I said something *right before* she wanted to video chat that made her lose interest? If so, could it be either of those two things:

a) I mentioned the fact that I was about to help my mom move. So maybe she thought I was setting things up to ask her for money, which I weren't going to, but maybe she thought I was?

b) I mentioned that professor was upset with me I weren't paying attention in his class, and she actually asked me why don't you pay attention in his class, I gave her a long monologue on how I don't want to be in math I want to be in physics, I am only in math because I already have a ph.d. in physics and came for second ph.d. just to go back to school since I couldn't find a job as a professor, and hten she said this explains it, and asked me if I could get any other job in physics and I said I could but I insist on becoming a professor.

c) I mentioned to her how I am keeping from my mom the fact that I am on dating sites.

The reason I mentioned the above three things is that they all have happened *right before* her asking me to video chat earlier. So if you say that video chatting earlier is a way of getting out of it (I am not sure if it is -- see "1", but lets pretend it is), then could those two things have caused her to lose interest?