I don't know should I move on or wait for my aspie ex...

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datsloth
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19 Feb 2018, 1:40 pm

To begin with, let me talk about our background a little. I'm a NT with depression and prone to being paranoid, grew up in a family with angry issue parent. He is an Aspie with PTSD from highschool bullying and has been dwelled in his room for over 6 years, he barely goes out and has only online friends.

I met my ex on a social network 2 years ago. At first we were just best friends, we only started dating a few months later on Nov 2016. It was him who broke up last month.

We both had responsibility on it. I never could truly moved on from what happened at our start - he flirted around on the site we met, kept in touch with those who once got sexual with him, got obsessed with certain girl etc. He explained later that was because he didn't know what should do in a relationship nor was taking it seriously, he made a promise to me and had stopped flirting since. Yet that had enough to make I couldn't trust him fully and I would assume and accuse him of ridiculous things.

We argued most of the time because of things that triggered me to complain, but he never listen. This was the cycle which caused the arguments: he did something> I told him that wasn't right to do for someone in a relationship and that made me sad> he refused to listen saying either "this is just internet trolling/for fun" "there is no issue" "i don't need to listen/ I don't care" > it irritated me so I went on explaining > then he found it more annoying and refused more saying "this is your own issue" or " whatever. move on" > of course I couldn't move on and I went on and on in wish he could listen. But that was I didn't understand his condition. I later found out that he was unable to understand the issues and the feeling I had towards them.

And after each argument like that, my insecurity decreased. I slowly started to do awful things like interrogating his schedule a lot or checking him up by messaging girls he had interacted to or making negative post on that site about him. Yes, I know I was really really terrible... I totally lost it at that time and have even become obsessive, possessive and manipulated in his eyes. At first, he still was always patient and forgiving enough to me although he got super annoyed. However, the time of our argument was way too much, We had even hit to an extent that he had been mentioned to break up for 4 times, yet he always came back saying "i love you, i don't want us to argue anymore" after a few days break. Ungratefully, I was all blinded by my negative emotion, got triggered by the slightest thing and complained and argued over and over again throughout the year. Last Christmas, we decided to meet to see if we could go on, we spent 2 weeks together and surprisingly had a really great loving time together but forgot to fix the dilemma we had. As soon as I went back home, I started arguing with him again daily because of my insecurity and he got fed up.

-----

After split, I have done a deep self reflection, seeking for advice for improving myself and sorting my head out. I regret so much that I never searched about what is Asperger's Syndrome and regret so much that I bottled up all my negatives and unload onto him as I wanted him to be my only emotion support. Now I am learning how to deal with my depression, loving myself and staying positively. I have hope that I could handle any further issues in the future, I would accept his flaws and bring the best out of him. I came back appear positively asking if we could get back together but he said no determinedly and just wanted to be friends. There was another day he said he needed time, and another day he said no again, which is very confusing. At first when we were talking, he still sent love song and lyrics to me and talked about things I gave him. I have asked him the same for a few times really. The last time was a few days ago, which he was pissed the most, told me to find another man and move on and that we are not ever getting back together as he doesn't want it anymore. He said he still loves me but not in love. And after that, he avoided all sentimental stuffs and pulled back.

In the whole period from the day we split til now, I have took 2 really small breaks (2-4days) away from him in order to give him space and time. However, he still messaged me daily like he used to. There was one day he came reporting to me that he (flirted) went overboard with a girl on here on public, I acted understandable but he still was annoyed. And there was another day he told me that he has met new (girl, lesbian) friend to talk daily. Meanwhile, since we were famous couple on that site, he kept commenting around telling people that we aren't together anymore like I'm a plague. Also, there were some people the site asking about our relationship in our pm, some were even trying to help us out. I feel as though no-contact rule doesn't work on him but would pull us more distanced so I decided to talk to him again lately. It seemed okay although he would still brought up his annoyance from the past, I just stayed quiet or explained it with the least words then we talked about random things again. Sometimes he still used our pet names that we made together when we were a thing, and sometimes he would still mention my body. I don't know if he still has feelings for me or if he was just on his spectrum... I have just stopped myself and others talking about anything in terms of our relationship.

Today someone else on the site reffered us as a thing and got him triggered, he later made sexual joke with me as usual but he added nah afterwards like he doesn't even has sexual desire towards me now. We then talked about random stuffs and accidentally came across the topic. He was pissed thinking back of what happened, saying that he still couldn't see I have changed (this was totally misunderstanding since there were two users misused words). He said he hated me and hate it and never want to do this again, and said that he is going to find someone local and autistic. I tried to talk about things like "what made me so special?" "what we had in common?" "have I made him felt so bad?" in order to apologize to him for my past hurtful assumption and accusations. He didn't accept it but kept saying " irrelevant" and "doesn't matter now". He seems so hurting and got afraid of me. But when I asked him why does he still talk to me, he said I am still his best friend. I feel so devastated now and want to be away a bit, I don't want to give up on him at the same time since it upsets me to see he feels lonely... Should I stop talking to him for an amount of time? would that disconnect us and let other people in? Or should I keep talking to him everyday still? I don't know what to do now.

-----

On the other hand, I have a more serious situation now. It is my plan of working in his country which I planned before breaking up. It's a governmental scheme which people can apply freely. This month I was supposed handing the form and the result of being approved or not will be out by April... If I get the visa, I have to go there in 3-6 months afterwards and I never could get this visa again once it's been used. I would lose a chance being there for working out the relationship if we weren't together. I dont know if I should still get the visa to go there? If so, shall I live in his house if he offers me a room? Like, Would it be good and easier for us to fix by being closer to each other when we are this intense?


[updated] sorry I just realized I didn't add that how much we loved each others. We were each other's happiness in our lonely life before the dramas happened. He was always so sweet and caring to me, made time for me even though he preferred his personal time, be there for me when I felt emotional even though he didn't understand how did those feelings feel. I was an introvert, a loner. He is the first one I can be this comfortable to be around, the only one that is willing to be a big kid as me, and could endure my ultimate negatives for me for a whole year. I loved him more than I love myself.


Thank you so much for reading, it means a whole lot!

Btw it is so late here right now, I have to go to bed and return some hours later.



Last edited by datsloth on 19 Feb 2018, 2:49 pm, edited 4 times in total.

hale_bopp
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19 Feb 2018, 1:43 pm

If I was you, I wouldn’t go there again. Flirting with other women is not really acceptable and “I don’t know what to do in a relationship” is a sorry excuse.

Add a paranoid personality to that and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Sounds like gaslighting to me. Why are you apologising again? Because he’s rude, inconsiderate and flirts?



datsloth
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19 Feb 2018, 1:50 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
If I was you, I wouldn’t go there again. Flirting with other women is not really acceptable and “I don’t know what to do in a relationship” is a sorry excuse.

Add a paranoid personality to that and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Sounds like gaslighting to me. Why are you apologising again? Because he’s rude, inconsiderate and flirts?


Hi there, thanks for your reply.

After he explained that he didn't know what to do in a relationship, he had stopped doing that and made a promise.

And I apologized for I have assumed and accused him of things he didn't do because of my lack of trust



kraftiekortie
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19 Feb 2018, 1:50 pm

I would just move on.

There's no excuse for being such a jerk to you.

I might not mind it if a woman flirts a little. I'd mind it very much if she were a jerk about it.

Now that I've read your reply, it seems as if you like this man a lot. I'd still be quite skeptical. Even an Aspie man man should understand "commitment."



xxZeromancerlovexx
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19 Feb 2018, 2:01 pm

Really sorry you are going through this. Moving on is hard but waiting is even harder. I don't want to tell my own story but I had a guy in my life. We were in all of the same classes and when we broke up we were still in the same classes until I graduated. People acted like I could get over it overnight but being in the same classes made waiting for him to get back together with me was just as painful as trying to get over him.

My advice is that as hard as moving on is it is possible. Arguing in a relationship isn't love. If he is obsessing over another girl it's very hard move on especially if you are around him.

Waiting for someone to come back for you is a hard habit to break. Moving on is a painful process and for me it took a few years. It may be different for you because everyone is different and have different situations.

Does he ever flirt with other women or talk highly of other women in front of you?


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datsloth
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19 Feb 2018, 2:04 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I would just move on.

There's no excuse for being such a jerk to you.

I might not mind it if a woman flirts a little. I'd mind it very much if she were a jerk about it.

Now that I've read your reply, it seems as if you like this man a lot. I'd still be quite skeptical. Even an Aspie man man should understand "commitment."


He thought that was funny because he is an internet troll, he thought that wasn't a big deal if doing on public where everyone could see, but later he stopped it for me

Yes I love him a lot

I believe he knows what is commitment, as I said, he wasn't serious about the relationship at first, but later he did... maybe he just didn't know social cues and emotions...I could tell it when I met him in person



datsloth
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19 Feb 2018, 2:10 pm

xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:
Really sorry you are going through this. Moving on is hard but waiting is even harder. I don't want to tell my own story but I had a guy in my life. We were in all of the same classes and when we broke up we were still in the same classes until I graduated. People acted like I could get over it overnight but being in the same classes made waiting for him to get back together with me was just as painful as trying to get over him.

My advice is that as hard as moving on is it is possible. Arguing in a relationship isn't love. If he is obsessing over another girl it's very hard move on especially if you are around him.

Waiting for someone to come back for you is a hard habit to break. Moving on is a painful process and for me it took a few years. It may be different for you because everyone is different and have different situations.

Does he ever flirt with other women or talk highly of other women in front of you?



I'm sorry to hear that you have been in a similar situation. I see your point.

For the flirting around, it happened only at the start, he then realized that wasn't right and be devoted to me, and no he didn't do either of those in front of me



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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19 Feb 2018, 2:18 pm

datsloth wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I would just move on.

There's no excuse for being such a jerk to you.

I might not mind it if a woman flirts a little. I'd mind it very much if she were a jerk about it.

Now that I've read your reply, it seems as if you like this man a lot. I'd still be quite skeptical. Even an Aspie man man should understand "commitment."


He thought that was funny because he is an internet troll, he thought that wasn't a big deal if doing on public where everyone could see, but later he stopped it for me

Yes I love him a lot

I believe he knows what is commitment, as I said, he wasn't serious about the relationship at first, but later he did... maybe he just didn't know social cues and emotions...I could tell it when I met him in person


If he likes to troll on the internet, he might have a personality disorder:

https://arstechnica.com/science/2014/02 ... o-sadists/

Sometimes people with personality disorders are misdiagnosed as being autistic. It's also possible that he is autistic AND sadistic/anti-social. Being a troll online doesn't bode well for him having a decent personality--if he enjoys harassing and emotionally toying with people online, he will probably enjoy it in his personal relationships too.



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19 Feb 2018, 2:59 pm

Might be better to move on, he sounds like a jerk...maybe even a bit of a gaslighter, I mean why exactly do you need his forgiveness for being angry/distrustful after he gave you reason to feel that way by flirting around with other girls? If anything he should have been apologizing to you and asking for you to forgive his inappropriate behavior, sounds like he was more trying to just turn it around on you.

Also having autism does not prevent one from knowing or learning that, its inappropriate to flirt with other people, let alone go any further if you're in a relationship with someone its not a good excuse for him.

It is your choice if you still want to remain friends, but I don't think it would be a good idea to move to his country and live with him. Also did you ever meet in person or was this an entirely online relationship?


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19 Feb 2018, 3:12 pm

What where the things he did that weren't right for someone in a relationship to do, that he wouldn't listen to you about? And what things were triggering you to complain?

Also its a problem if he wouldn't listen to you, even if you were wrong about some of what you said or did...people in relationships listen to each other and consider each others feelings, even when in disagreement. Sounds like he wasn't willing to do that.


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datsloth
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20 Feb 2018, 12:42 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
why exactly do you need his forgiveness for being angry/distrustful after he gave you reason to feel that way by flirting around with other girls? If anything he should have been apologizing to you and asking for you to forgive his inappropriate behavior, sounds like he was more trying to just turn it around on you.


That was right that he made me have insecurity issue at the begin, then he has stopped and promised not to. Yet, I couldn't move on from it after months and kept assuming and accusing him because of my paranoia.

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also did you ever meet in person or was this an entirely online relationship?


Yes I met him last Christmas and spent 2 weeks together. This was an online long distant relationship to be exact.



datsloth
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20 Feb 2018, 1:06 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
What where the things he did that weren't right for someone in a relationship to do, that he wouldn't listen to you about? And what things were triggering you to complain?
like flirting with other girls, but as I said, that period of time had passed. Then he still kept talking to those who once sent nudes to him (although he had deleted those pics), kept selfies of them and plenty female friends on his computer(even though he said those were just for memeory) , stalked certain girls and spammed them virtural gifts, commented words like "hot" on some random girls' pic etc

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also its a problem if he wouldn't listen to you, even if you were wrong about some of what you said or did...people in relationships listen to each other and consider each others feelings, even when in disagreement. Sounds like he wasn't willing to do that.


He didn't understand what's wrong with most the things he did, nor did he understand my emotion. He thought I complained for the sake of complaining, got even more annoyed when I explained to him since it sounded too complicated to him. The more he felt like he was being ordered, the less he was willing to do anything.



datsloth
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20 Feb 2018, 1:32 am

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
datsloth wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I would just move on.

There's no excuse for being such a jerk to you.

I might not mind it if a woman flirts a little. I'd mind it very much if she were a jerk about it.

Now that I've read your reply, it seems as if you like this man a lot. I'd still be quite skeptical. Even an Aspie man man should understand "commitment."


He thought that was funny because he is an internet troll, he thought that wasn't a big deal if doing on public where everyone could see, but later he stopped it for me

Yes I love him a lot

I believe he knows what is commitment, as I said, he wasn't serious about the relationship at first, but later he did... maybe he just didn't know social cues and emotions...I could tell it when I met him in person


If he likes to troll on the internet, he might have a personality disorder:

https://arstechnica.com/science/2014/02 ... o-sadists/

Sometimes people with personality disorders are misdiagnosed as being autistic. It's also possible that he is autistic AND sadistic/anti-social. Being a troll online doesn't bode well for him having a decent personality--if he enjoys harassing and emotionally toying with people online, he will probably enjoy it in his personal relationships too.


Thanks for letting know that. I will keep that in mind.



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20 Feb 2018, 1:37 am

datsloth wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
What where the things he did that weren't right for someone in a relationship to do, that he wouldn't listen to you about? And what things were triggering you to complain?
like flirting with other girls, but as I said, that period of time had passed. Then he still kept talking to those who once sent nudes to him (although he had deleted those pics), kept selfies of them and plenty female friends on his computer(even though he said those were just for memeory) , stalked certain girls and spammed them virtural gifts, commented words like "hot" on some random girls' pic etc

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also its a problem if he wouldn't listen to you, even if you were wrong about some of what you said or did...people in relationships listen to each other and consider each others feelings, even when in disagreement. Sounds like he wasn't willing to do that.


He didn't understand what's wrong with most the things he did, nor did he understand my emotion. He thought I complained for the sake of complaining, got even more annoyed when I explained to him since it sounded too complicated to him. The more he felt like he was being ordered, the less he was willing to do anything.



Ok so after he promised to stop flirting with other girls he was still talking to girls he had sexual relations with and saving their pictures? and posting flirty comments on their pictures and posts? I mean even if he didn't initially know that was inappropriate...seems like he wasn't doing a good job of keeping his promise to quit that behavior with other women.

Also how do you mean stalking, like just online or like actually following them around IRL...regardless of anything else if he was stalking other women while still being in a relationship with you that is a pretty big red flag, stalking in general is a red flag.


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datsloth
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20 Feb 2018, 2:54 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
datsloth wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
What where the things he did that weren't right for someone in a relationship to do, that he wouldn't listen to you about? And what things were triggering you to complain?
like flirting with other girls, but as I said, that period of time had passed. Then he still kept talking to those who once sent nudes to him (although he had deleted those pics), kept selfies of them and plenty female friends on his computer(even though he said those were just for memeory) , stalked certain girls and spammed them virtural gifts, commented words like "hot" on some random girls' pic etc

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also its a problem if he wouldn't listen to you, even if you were wrong about some of what you said or did...people in relationships listen to each other and consider each others feelings, even when in disagreement. Sounds like he wasn't willing to do that.


He didn't understand what's wrong with most the things he did, nor did he understand my emotion. He thought I complained for the sake of complaining, got even more annoyed when I explained to him since it sounded too complicated to him. The more he felt like he was being ordered, the less he was willing to do anything.



Ok so after he promised to stop flirting with other girls he was still talking to girls he had sexual relations with and saving their pictures? and posting flirty comments on their pictures and posts? I mean even if he didn't initially know that was inappropriate...seems like he wasn't doing a good job of keeping his promise to quit that behavior with other women.

Also how do you mean stalking, like just online or like actually following them around IRL...regardless of anything else if he was stalking other women while still being in a relationship with you that is a pretty big red flag, stalking in general is a red flag.


he liked to draw attentions and seek banters from the reaction from others. By stalking I meant only the cyber stalking, he viewed certain girls' post and commented on most of them. He got nothing better to do besides that and video games or anime