Is intense socialization just part of a relationship?

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On Valentine’s Day this year, I went to a speed-dating event that my school hosted. I got a girl’s number, and we got lunch a few times. I was the most awkward person on the planet during these. I was absolutely terrified that I was sort of going on dates with this girl, because I had never done anything remotely like that before. I clammed up and hardly spoke. I’m a pretty quiet person in general, but I barely said a word. I couldn’t contribute to a conversation to save my life. Eventually, we went to a pizza place, and we discussed who would be paying. She said if we were just going as friends, we would both pay, but if it was a date, I needed to pay. I said that I wanted to say I’d been on a date, so I’d pay (I have since learned from a friend that this was not a good thing to say). Shortly afterward, she said we were “just friends.”

I originally thought that having a girlfriend would be great and was prepared to do anything to get one. But this girl sat at the lunch table for about an hour every day and talked, and then we would go upstairs to the lobby in the school building, and she would talk to me some more. I tried to contribute, but it made me SO EXHAUSTED to do so. That made me realize how much socializing is involved in a potential relationship, and it would severely cut into the alone time that I sorely need.

I think I have a fairly high sex drive, but I would rather do it with someone I love than just have a hookup. But if this was a glimpse into what relationships and dating are like, which is kind of required to get someone who loves you, I don’t like it. There is far too much social interaction and too many expectations. But now it feels like a lose-lose situation: Either I’ll be sad because I’m alone (like now) or exhausted because I’m not alone. Is there a happy medium here, or is this just what relationships are?

Nup, nothing is "just part of a relationship" because they are all different. Imagine anything that could be possible in a relationship and it probably exists somewhere. And vice versa, imagine a relationship without something, and that type of relationship probably exists somewhere.

But to be more specific - I'm a quiet introvert who typically dates quiet introverts. There's not a lot a lot of socialisation going on. I was in a relationship with a socialite once and it was a disaster. And an exception to my dating history.

P.S. Yeah that definitely wasn't a great thing to say, haha But IMO neither was what she said. But I'm not big on gender roles, so...

Both my 2nd & current girlfriend are quiet introverts. There was alot of socializing when we met online but we mostly just hung/hang out & do stuff together offline. I LOVE spending time with my partner & HATE being single & alone but I never really been much of a talker offline except when I was hyper for some reason. I've been living with my current girlfriend for over 5 years & I don't talk that much usually. She doesn't talk alot either unless there's something on her mind & then I listen & give input when I can. I spend alot of time watching TV with her or watching her play xBox or we sometimes play together & occasionally she'll watch me play a game.

Why’d she say that if it wasn’t a date?

Beats me. Maybe she thought it would be one, but then when I said “I’ll pay just so I can say I’ve been on a date,” she decided, “Nope, this won’t be a date.”

That sounds most plausible. I'd have decided the same if someone said that to me. Unless you said it in a joking way, of course.

it's par of the course for relationships with many NTs, yes.

i doubt that the school "speed dating" model allows you to be exposed to people more like you who have less need for conversation. if you sign up for speed dating you're more likely to be an extrovert it seems, of course they're going to be overly represented.



seconding yellowtamarin's sentiment that there is nothing "typical" of a relationship because they are all different.

So she wanted a date but then decided otherwise cause he tried to be playful?

Tomme that would seem as if she was playfully or flirty trying to say she wants to date. So her reaction to his reply is confusing.
How does someone reply to what she said then?

No, I said UNLESS he was joking. Only if he was being serious would I be turned off.

There's plenty of ways to respond to what she said without seemingly suggesting he's not actually interested in her.

Maybe I’m naive. But I can only see it being said playfully.

Like?
This confuses me.

This whole “speed dating” thing is absurd. I wish it would be dispensed with.

No, I said it seriously. I didn’t think there was any problem with me saying it until I mentioned it to my friend and he said that was a bad move.

Yes, in all romantic relationships you will have to socialize with your partner. That's all relationships consist of. If you don't want to listen to her talking all the time, do some of the talking yourself. Take her on dates to the movies/concerts/theater where you aren't expected to talk, if that's a problem.