Secondhand Embarrassment...how to deal?

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Hi, I just found this forum and I would really appreciate an outside perspective. (And I apologize in advance for my poor grammar)

I have ADHD and my partner of three years has (what I consider to be) mild Aspergers. He is extremely kind and caring and works very hard to be attentive to my needs. I feel that he does a good job most of the time.

The main thing that has been a point of contention for me is his awkwardness in public. When we're alone, we can talk for hours and he's very comfortable. However, when he's meeting family or friends of mine, I tend to dread the experience. He can be incredibly awkward and I often find myself experiencing secondhand embarrassment when I listen to him talk to my friends and loved ones. He doesn't say anything inappropriate, but sometimes the wording or the intensity of the wording is just strange and can throw people off or inadvertently offend someone if they're sensitive. He has strong opinions but is not an unreasonable person, he just tends to lead into topics with his strong opinions. I do my best to be sympathetic, as I know he does get very uncomfortable in public and I don't want to shame him for something he's already trying hard to work on.

We're having some relationship issues right now and we're technically "on a break" for a bit. I'm currently addressing some mental health issues of my own that aren't relevant here. But, if we decide to get back together, I want to go in with a better understanding of what he's dealing with.

My question to you all is this: What can I do to help him? Is there something I can be doing to make his life easier? How can I stop caring about public perception so much?

Any input is appreciated!!

What kind of topics are these strong opinions related to?

I mean depending you could maybe tell him those aren't the best topics for a friendly gathering with your friends or family. I mean there is nothing wrong with having opinions and a intent interest in certain topics...but that doesn't mean he has to tell anyone and everyone about it all anytime you and he get together with family or friends. I mean maybe he thinks he has to be talking...so you could tell him its ok to listen and observe some of the time as well.

Mostly his line of work, as he's a classical musician. The problem is that my extended family tends to bring it up when they see him because they (very casually) play instruments too and want to talk about it. He views their musicianship as inferior (and to be honest, it is), but I believe he sincerely does his best not to convey that when they're talking to each other. But they ALWAYS bring it up. Now that I'm typing this out, I might have to have a word with them about their behavior...


I like your point about "maybe he thinks he has to be talking"...that hadn't occurred to me, but makes a lot of sense. I think silence and lulls in conversation make him uncomfortable. Thank you for that!

Seems like they kind of set him up for failure that way, they bring it up which encourages your husband to talk about it, but then they react like his wording is too intense or they're not very interested in what he has to say making him look awkward and out of place. I mean if it bores them or whatever when he gets going about it why would they bring it up every-time they see him?

I don't think it bores them, but you're right on the money otherwise. Like they're clearly not getting the response they hoped for, so I don't understand what their issue is and why they continue to bring it up. My family kind of sucks, and maybe this wasn't the best example.

I would be embarrassed if a partner of mine was outright rude or offensively socially inappropriate but not if they were just socially awkward.

Concerning him being a classical musician and considering hobbyists inferior, he is entitled to his views but he does not need to be arrogant about it. Classical music is merely one of many genres of music and may not be to the taste of everyone and some of the most popular songs were written on the fly by people who can't read music.

"In the Summertime" by Mungo Jerry was supposedly written in 10 minutes.

It's possible that your family members bring up music because that is a commonality. Your boyfriend might try to bring up other topics if he doesn't want to talk about it or can't do so in a friendly manner.

If your boyfriend is at all like me (and I'm really awkward in a multi person setting), its not going to do a whole lot of good to try to "help" him. When people say to me, "try doing this instead of that when you're talking to other people", its pretty useless. I listen, and I'm quite sure I understand what they are suggesting, and if the IDENTICAL situation arose again, I would probably handle it better. But that is the wonder and bane of the human race - we are always changing things just a bit. The wording, the people, the positions, the word order, etc. So, I can try to react in a certain way but chances are it will never be the exact situation and that is my weakness - I cannot spontaneously nor creatively respond in the midst of a conversation unless that conversation is with someone who I trust and who understands what I mean.

I believe that your boyfriend is not at all intending to be rude or condescending, its just the way he expresses himself.

I don't think there really is a way you can majorly help him with that except try to explain to others that it's how he is in general & not to take it personality. It's kind of just the way he is & if you cant accept him like that, you'd be better off not getting back together instead of trying to change him & getting upset when it doesn't work. I'm NOT saying you will do that but I've read more than a few threads & stories about NTs who cant accept their Aspie the way he is & the poor Aspie is walking on eggshells trying to do rite but failing miserably only to have their partner upset with em & eventually leave em.

Sorry I was away for a bit.

Depending on how things go, I'll suggest that. Thank you for your input!



I agree with you on his intent. I don't think he's trying to like assert his dominance or be condescending at all. I appreciate your description of what you go through as well, because these are things that I wouldn't have guessed were the case and he can't seem to articulate to me.



This is what I was afraid of, but I'm not trying to stick my head in the sand either. I've really kept a lot of my frustrations with him to myself because I know he does try hard sometimes and I know that complaining after he put in so much effort would hurt him badly. Leaving someone who I've loved (and still love) for three years over something like this seems kind of silly. But at the same time, I could see how this sort of thing can wear on a person after many years. He's improved SO MUCH since we first got together, so I don't really know if this is the hill I want to die on, so to speak.
Thank you very much for your honest answer, I value your input even if it's a little hard to swallow.