How do we do this communication thing?

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Hi . . .i know this is love and dating, and I am talking about friendship, but I feel like I know you guys in here, so please forgive me for posting here. . . .

On going close friendship with an Aspie man. Lots and lots of difficulties along the way, falling out, miscommunication etc etc.

Sometimes I struggle to know how to get the balance right. After a recent dispute my friend admitted he often feels suffocated by our friendship. I can accept and understand that. So I try to keep my distance more. I don’t initiate communication, but then. We go 2 weeks without speaking, and when we bump into each other my friend is really worried that he has upset me . . . . .

So how do you get the balance? I don’t want to keep contacting him and make him feel smothered, but if I don’t contact him he is at home thinking he has upset me in some way?

TBH I probably run into the same problem a LOT. I think the best way around it is striking up a routine, doesn't have to be scheduled but as long as you're not asking about anything out of the ordinary for either of you being predictable isn't a bad thing. (this from somebody who finds himself at the same cafe 4+ days a week)

We're creatures of habit on our little spectrum here. Don't let the monotony scare you.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Thank you that is really helpful. . . . .do you think it is a good idea to have a conversation about this or for me just to initiate it. . . .?

When we met and he seemed so pleased to discover I was not annoyed with him, I said “I’m trying to be the best possible friend I can and give you the space you need, therefore if you want to talk to me you will need to initiate that contact” . . .

He said “I am always happy to hear from you” . . . . . .

I don’t think that is the case.
If he is caught up,with other things, he gets irritated and thinks I am smothering him if I contact him!

He wants to hear from you but he's probably unsure of what to say about needing time & space. Social pressure feels like a constant for most of us even when others try to relax it. I say just keep your invitations open ended so you can both plan things as you go.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Thanks cberg I think I will make casual contact if I haven’t heard from him in over a week . . . .. . But I find it difficult to lose the idea that me making all the initiation means he doesn’t really care whether we talk or not? Is that me being silly?

I think it's more likely he's anxious about saying the wrong thing as long as he stated any interest in seeing you.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

This fellow makes me a little peeved.
If I’m understanding correctly he is saying two opposite things.
I feel smothered and why didn’t you contact me.
He is complaining about over closeness yet expects you to magically figure out how close is too close.
I think the right response to his, “I thought I upset you,” should be either -
I was trying not to be too smothering or
Just call me next time if you’re worried.
Or both.

Hi I said both things . . .. . . . In his defence the smothered comment was made when he was having a big explosion when I had pushed him too hard for an emotional response . . . .. .

However I am also getting a bit peeved with his lack of initiating contact with me. It does make me feel that he really is not bothered about our friendship.

I made contact last night just to check he was ok, and he seemed pleased to hear from me and we made plans to meet up. . . . But I’m not going to chase this friendship for ever.

Update

I tried to discuss with him. To have clarification. . . . In return he exploded at me. Accused me of pushing for something??. Said he “knew what I was doing””glad he does because I have no idea other than trying to get clarification.

So that’s it friendship over. Last straw I have tried so very hard to maintain it but I am done . . . .. .

I'm so sorry to hear. But I know exactly where you are coming from. I was curious about something though. I know you've said before that he gets angry or withdrawn when you push for an emotional response. I feel the same about my former friend. But I was wondering if, in your case, did you ever actually get an emotional response (other than anger)? I mean has he ever expressed feelings?

I see so many people on here who are aspie saying things like they don't know why they cannot maintain a relationship or friendship, they don't have friends or a girlfriend. But when you look at things like what you and I describe about how our aspie friends treat us, how can anyone wonder why that is? The treatment is hurtful. And despite how much you and I care for our friends, they just push us away. That is not on our part, it is on theirs. We accepted them. They didn't accept us. I wish I could instill that bit of knowledge into the minds of every aspie here. Please see this and understand!

Yes he has told me many times that he loves me! However his actions and lack of communication do not suggest that. Last week someone mistook us for partners, apparently he said to the woman. “Oh no we are not partners but friends very very good friends, “

Not any more though. . . . . .i don’t often give up on people, but after 3yrs I’m finally done