Question for Females with Aspergers

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Hi everyone!
I am new to the forums! I am a NT male and I am interested in getting a better understanding of Aspergers/HFA.

In my research, there is a lot of material about males with AS in relationships with NT females, but not the opposite.

Recently my girlfriend split up with me after a 2 year relationship. I didn't know she had Aspergers, but soon realized that she most likely had it after we had split. During most of our relationship (more so towards the end) she showed little interest in me, was always too busy for me, only cared about herself, only cared about things that she was interested in or were related to her, and she was never affectionate or emotionally available. She said she loved me, and that the little time she had for me didn't change that. But I felt neglected. Frustration got the better of me, and in our last few months together I became a little more selfish and treated her similarly to the way she treated me. During these months, she no longer knew if she loved me anymore. I did not know she had Aspergers and I don't know if she does either, and in hindsight I know my actions drove her away.

So my questions for AS females is that:
Is it hard to love, or fall back in love with someone?
Is it possible to regain interest in someone again or love them again?
Have you ever successfully gotten back together with an ex?
Any tips for maintaining or restarting relationships with females with AS?
What can I do to try and help "fix" our relationship?

I don't understand Aspergers in it's entirety, and I'd like to better my friendship with my ex, with the possibility of getting back together now that I understand that she most likely has AS.

Thanks for your time!

Hi FV Of course, everyone with AS is different. But I'll give my perspective.

I don't think it is hard to love the right person. I was in a relationship for a few years with someone who I was in love with. But we got into a situation where I fell into a deep depression, and it (the situation) ruined the relationship. I don't think I fell out of love at that point, but I lost my attraction to him, and just didn't have the energy to make it work. He wasn't particularly interested in understanding the issues (talking about emotions? talking about problems? forget it!) so ultimately the relationship failed. Once the situation that was causing my depression was resolved, my affection for him returned, but it was too late, mostly for him. I wanted to give it another shot but he didn't, so we remained sort of FWB instead, for ages. Now we are platonic friends.

So what I see here in your situation is promise. You want to learn, you want to see if this can work. And as I'm an example that females with AS can fall back in love / regain interest, then it could be possible with her. No, my ex and I didn't successfully get back together, but this is because we made a pact not to, on the day we broke up, and he was very strict about sticking to that!

What to do? Figure out EXACTLY what the issues were. This was really really tricky for me, as there seemed to be multiple things going on. And it took me making pretty much the same mistake again with someone else to figure it out. I'm happy to discuss this more in a PM if the specifics of my situation might help, but I'll leave it at that here. The point is to delve deep and figure it out. Be open to exploring all possibilities as to what the underlying reasons for the problems were. If I'm not affectionate towards my partner, it might look as though it's because I'm busy or stressed about something, or that that's just the way I am after a while in a relationship - but I believe with the right person and the right setup, affection can be maintained.

Something my ex and I didn't do, but I have since learned can be quite useful, is read and explore this book:

22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know - Rudy Simone

If she's willing, have her mark the book up with which bits are true for her, which bits aren't, and which are an "it depends - let's discuss". My copy is filled with three different coloured post-its for this purpose! It's not got enough to just read through the book, because some things won't apply and it could be detrimental to assume they do.

Of course you have to get to the point where she's open to all of this...I can't really help you with that, other than suggesting you express to her that you want to learn about her and the relationship dynamic between the two of you, and see if you can figure it out.

Good luck!

I've just remembered that part where you said you don't know if she knows she has AS...so maybe my advice isn't great in that case...

Thank you for your advice! I will definitely look into that book! Since she is undiagnosed I don't know if I should approach her about it until we become close again (if).

Your perspective helps a lot as I can see some similarities to that of that to my situation. The fact that you were able to have those feelings again is reassuring, as that was something I could not find online.

Another similarity to your situation is that I do remember her saying something like "I don't know if I have the energy to make it work". Each time I've talked to her about our relationship, she claims that she doesn't know what she feels or why she feels that way. We've tried to narrow down reasons why we fell apart, but we couldn't really narrow it down to anything other than communication. We have maintained a friendship, and I am fully committed to adapting my behavior around her knowing that she is most-likely AS and not purposely doing things to frustrate me.

As for her being undiagnosed, I have put in hours of looking into Aspergers, and each reputable site I looked into, she had pretty much all of the symptoms. The reason why I said that "I don't know if she knows she has it" is because she's told me a couple times (after I jokingly teased her about her quirks) that she "Should have been tested as a kid". I never took that into serious consideration, and reassured her that her quirks made her cute and unique.

Thanks again!