Why the hangup about no spouse/SO?

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Seriously, a relationship would probably bring you all kinds of things you don't want. People like us like doing what we like when we like, and with no spouse I can do precisely that. It is especially bad for Aspie males married to NT females. They would invoke NT "privlige" to nitpick everything they hate about you (which will likely be EVERYTHING, once they really get to know you) and insist you change things you cant, and when you don't it will be a living hell to be with this person. If you want to know what these women will think of you, just look at the AS partners Delphi site. A "support group" for those who think us an insult to the universe.

Why any Aspie would inflict this on themselves or lament not having it is beyond me, and the only relationship I could see working is with another Aspie.

I don't think most neurotypicals would do that, just the kind of a**holes who post to a forum like that.

But to answer your question, people want what they don't have. You may want to date your "dream girl." But when you date your dream girl/guy, they tend to become real...

I do think most NT women would be like that and are like that even to NT men who can cope with it better. At least Western NT women.

I'm going to have to disagree. I'm sure there are plenty of NTs (and even autistics) who are like that but there are chill people out there that will accept you for who you are.

I want a relationship because I'm aLOT happier & more independent within one. I'm an Aspie who actually LOVES spending time with his partner & being emotionally supportive. My 1st girlfriend was an NT but she had dyslexia, alittle OCD & sever ADHD & I have those things as well so we really connected. She was NOT anything like the NTs your thinking of RainbowUnion. My 2nd girlfriend is on the spectrum & part of the reason things didn't work out is because she wanted more space & independence than I did & the relationship was one-sided on her side. My current girlfriend is also on the spectrum(or at least has lots of overlapping issues so it's easier to say she is) & we get along alot better than my 2nd girlfriend. She has depression, anxiety, & fibromyalgia & I've been through a bad depression & anxiety after my 1st realtionship ended so I can relate & sympathies. She needs a lot of support & cant handle living alone either so our relationship works. I think I could of made a relationship work with an NT too if she would of had anxiety, depression & pain issues & was willing go give me a real chance & try to make a relationship work with me.

Alex, I don't like saying this, having to find an accepting and very compassionate and passionate non-autistic partner is not that easy.

I think having a partner is wonderful.

Adjective needed.... having a wonderful partner is wonderful. It sounds as though you do and that is fantastic - I hope it lasts a long, long, long time , like forever.

OTOH, an abusive, negligent, or self-centered partner is very much not wonderful, and it's a terrible shame that there is so much societal pressure on people to pair off - no matter who you prefer to pair with! - that people will stay in relationships that literally kill them, directly or indirectly, just to avoid being alone.

Just so it's clear here, I know well that both women and men can be abusive etc.; this stuff can poison LGBTQ relationships just as easily as it does cis-het ones. Only ax I'm grinding here is the one that claims any relationship is better than being alone.

Which I know you didn't say, Raleigh; and I'm sure you don't think that way, either. But we've got a lot of younger folks here who are lonely, frustrated and desperate, and I don't know how else to convey what my beloved, much missed father explained to me: there are things that are SO much worse than being alone, and many people live in the midst of those things, day after day, year after year. God help them.

I used to work with someone who believed that it was always better to be in a relationship no matter who it was with. She even told me once "beggars can't be choosers". Fair enough, I might not be as good a catch as some people but I'd still much rather be single than with someone I didn't want to be with!

I have however now found a good relationship and it has improved my life.

Being alone sucks, but I would rather be alone, than be with someone that I don't get along with, and/or was abusive. Relationships can be great, if you find the right person, but that's a big IF.

Nick007 says he's happier within one.

Raleigh says having a partner is wonderful.

And OutsideView says it has 'improved his life'.

B-but "a relationship won't make you happy" guys. R-right? Relationships never make anyone happier, you need to learn to find happiness on your own. /sarcasm.

You have to take Esmerelda's point into consideration too:


Being with the wrong person is not good. Even just the initial dating/getting to know the wrong person is not good. I look back on men I should not have bothered with at all. They're not bad people and I don't dislike any of them. We were just not compatible and I found getting to know them stressful and even though there were good moments it was ultimately not very good for my well being. I kept thinking there was something wrong with me and that is not a good mindset. The stress made me ill.

I don't want to be alone, but even more than that I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel bad about myself.

RainbowUnion: I think the hangup is MUCH greater in heterosexual aspies. They don't have the same options of nearly infinite casual sex as we do.

Well it would make sense then why you wouldn't want a relationship if that's how you view NT women. First of all, NTs are a widely varied group, and secondly, Aspies are a widely varied group. Neither are a bunch of carbon copies of each other, so to make blanket generalisations, even those related to the differences between ASD and NT individuals, will very often not be true of everyone in those groups or even most people as there's so much variance from person to person, even within the spectrum.

Aspies desire relationships for the same reason NTs desire relationships. There is a part of most people that yearns for intimacy, affection, emotional closeness, etc with someone whom they are physically and emotionally attracted to. Maybe you don't have that, I don't know, but the desire is there for most humans, and theyre willing to make reasonable compromises to allow a relationship like that to flourish.

If you're a heterosexual autistic on tinder in a big city, you can have plenty of casual sex. Yes, guys are socially expected to initiate, so if you're gay and you don't know what to do, I'm sure it'd be easier for you because a more socially adept & experienced gay guy could take up the slack so it's much easier for a shy gay autistic guy to just wait for someone to approach them.

I think the issue I've seen with a lot of heterosexual male autistics is they don't know how to go about hooking up (if that's what they want) but girls expect us to make the first move.

And autistic guys are failing already before they've even asked someone out. A lot of times they haven't created a reasonably appealing dating profile and then when they get no matches, they assume that tinder doesn't work or only works for "the most attractive people" which is totally not true. Their photos are poorly lit and taken at unflattering angles.

But the messages they send or the things they say clearly subtextually communicate the fact that they're desperate and the messages are usually laughingly bad. Autistics might not realize that neurotypicals pick up on our subtext even if we can't pick up on theirs.

And we're autistic so a lot of times we have black and white thinking so instead of looking at it and acknowledging that it works one way, we look at it and dictate that it should work the way we want it to work, which is not actually the way dating works. We might present a logical argument to a girl of why they should date us, but in reality girls (and guys) are not attracted based on logic, we're attracted based on emotions and also looks.

And if hookups are not what they want, they're still screwed because when they do meet "the one," they don't know what to do due to a lack of practice. So the inevitable rejection because they're screwing it up leads them to conclude that they're destined to be alone. There's also the fact that dating is about finding out what you want and don't want, so if you have little experience you may think you want a certain person and if you finally do meet that person and for some reason, they decide to date you, you may realize that she was literally the opposite of who you wanted in a partner, after all.

I can agree with all of that.

I'm extremely high functioning & successfully treat my ASD symptoms and am not shy soooo.. communicating on apps for hookups isn't exactly difficult for me. But I can agree w/ the simple fact that it is easier for a shy gay autistic guy than a hetero one, by far, which is why I made the post directed towards the OP. (who is extremely anti-treatment of any kind even existing.)