Possible long distance (2 hours away) dating questions..

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Hi,

Kind of an odd series of questions I guess....

Quick background.. I'm autistic (duh)... Gave up on relationships years ago... Never had any that lasted more than a month or 2... Just don't have the skills to deal with people right... Don't talk to anyone anymore really, few old friends on the phone/facebook but they are 2000 miles away. Lived where I am now 8 years and don't know anyone really... Don't even talk to neighbors.

Well, one of the few real friends I have, she hates how I've let my life sort of shut down... Constantly trying to encourage me to get out and do something, try to make new friends or something...

Her best female friend left the guy she was with a couple months back, and she moved from Florida to the state I live in (WA)...

She swears her friend and I would get along... She apparently doesn't let weirdos weird her out... lol Her and her ex owned a carnival, so they employed lots of... Lets just say, socially rejected people... and she loves them, doesn't get freaked out by anything really I guess...

She wants to try to hook me up with her friend, but I'm really hesitant. Personally I think she'd be the most attractive person I've dated, I feel... like she's out of my league really, if it wasn't for my best friend playing cupid, there's no way I'd even try to talk to this woman in the real world. lol, kinda scared just based on that... but...

She lives 2 hours away roughly. I've had limited local relationships, in my experience, they usually progress like....

You date for a while, if you like eachother you start hanging out more.. Spending time at eachothers place after work and stuff during the week, get more relaxed with eachother over some time, then eventually people tend to move in with eachother.

Fairly normal progression, I get that...

I also kinda get long distance relationships (cross country kinda stuff) .. That basically goes from e-mails/phone/skype/etc a bunch.. maybe visit eachother a couple times, then ya just gotta get it over with at some point and make the jump to moving in with the other person and hope you get along as well in person as you do on the phone.... Obviously this has issues of its own, but again, it's an understandable progression.

What I don't know how to do, is try to start a relationship with someone who lives 2 hours away... That's far enough, that you're looking at 4 hours of driving (and a significant amount of gas) just to go on a date...

I don't have the time or energy to do that more than once per week... Then what? You can't easily progress to the next stage of spending more time together really. How long do you date someone like that before ya bring up moving?

I'm so bad at reading signs/hints and s**t that I'd probably miss it if she was hinting at it at some point... and I'd basically always feel like its too soon to bring it up (afraid to sound clingy/weird) ...

I am pretty clueless when it comes to relationships to begin with, but then adding in the long distance s**t, really pushes my social skills into unknown/uncomfortable territory.

So, in your opinions... Can you give an example of how you would guess a relationship like this would progress...?

Would you "date" for a couple months before bringing up moving? Longer? Is there a step in between really?

With my flavor of autism I'm kind of blind to how things are "progressing" as a relationship... Just bad at measuring when "the time is right" for that kind of stuff.

Anyway, any thoughts ya might have would be appreciated!

When I was in a relationship like that, we only did hang out for the weekends, except when she was back in town on vacation.

I know this is negative, but you're worried over something that might not even work out. Then again, who knows, she might happen to need to move closer to you for some reason.

Hi! I'll give this a go. I've been in relationships with people from my state's capital city, while I've lived 4.5hrs and 1.5hrs away in good traffic. Typically for me it begins with a few dates where yeah, someone has to do a lot of travel just for a few hours of hanging out. I like to take that in turns if possible.

But then it progresses to this wonderful arrangement called "visiting for the weekend". A sort of midway point between casual dating and moving in together. You can spend a night or two together so you don't have to do as much travel, but you still have plenty of time alone.

I don't intend to live with my partner, so I'm usually not working up to that - staying at "visiting for the weekend" stage would be fine for me. But I guess if you would intend to eventually move in, you'd do that down the track when it feels right to take the "next step". Like, far down the track when you are so comfortable with each other that it's not scary to discuss such things.

I was in a 2 hour drive relationship with a girl about two years ago. The solution was simple. A lot of driving. Our first few dates involved us both driving to a point roughly halfway between our houses and subsequently she would drive for two hours so she could spend the weekend with me (this allowed for the maximum amount of time together with the minimum amount of driving).

It's just 2 hours. It's not like she lives in a different country.

For a period of five years I used to drive two hours each way to get to work. Just go for it.

Comfort yourself with the thought that at least she doesn't live on the other side of the planet. I almost had a long-distance relationship with someone that far away once, and a friend of mine is currently in one. In a scenario like that, if the relationship does end up working out like a charm, you're ultimately looking at a situation where one party has to move to the other's country, which is a tremendous investment in and of itself.

I'm not a big fan of LDR's myself, but if it was someone I really liked, it might be worth it to travel, and maybe even move, after awhile. I guess you won't really know unless you try it. At the very least, you might have something to do for a weekend.

Eww. If my work was that far away, I would just live in a camper in the parking lot all week, and go home for the weekend.

I did try it in my car one day when we had to pull a double shift. There just was no point in going home and hoping for a quick four-hour nap.

I think your overthinking things. You should take things one step at a time & let your friend hook you up & then you play things out from there. Maybe you & that girl could chat online & by phone a while & then meet up for the weekend or just for a day or something. You might could take turns going back n forth to each other's places for a day or for the weekend if things got to that point. All 3 relationships I had/have were LDRs out of state so I barely got to spend any time with my 1st two offline before things fell apart. My current girlfriend lived in Vermont & I lived in Louisiana & I traveled there by Greyhound 3x in like a 6 month period & she came down & saw me 1ce. We moved in together after knowing each other for 7 months. I think a two hour distance would of been aLOT better & easier for all 3 of those relationships thou I am alot happier living in Vermont that I was living in Louisiana & think me moving here was the rite decision for both of us.

Thanks for the replies... Interesting stuff to think about...


To those of you who mentioned I'm overthinking things too much... lol, you're right... but there's a reason... I suck at peopling. I stopped socializing for reasons, it seems hopeless... I've been on disability for a while (due to autism stuff + breaking my back years ago)... I'm kind of right in the middle of working on a business of sorts, something that hopefully will at least get me off disability by this time next year if all goes well.

It requires time, and money... I haven't dated in years, I don't have nice clothes that fit right anymore, the cost of gas dating someone that far away + the cost of actual dates... Plus the massive change in energy output, both dealing with social stuff which is exhausting alone, but the all the additional energy it takes to do all that driving/doing stuff on dates, etc..

It's a large expenditure both in time, money, and energy... At a time where I should be focusing alot of that on this business... I dunno.. I guess if I had social skills and any degree of confidence it would probably be worth it.. but considering how unlikely it is to work, especially with everything involved due to distance... I dunno, just trying to figure out if it is worth it I guess.

On the bright side, my friend who wants to hook us up thinks we'd get along really good and from what I've heard she's a pretty amazing person... I dunno... Lots to think about. The upside is obviously really good, but the odds of it working out seem pretty small, all things considered...

Anyway, thanks again for the replies

I think you should meet her first before worrying about this.

I met my current best friend when I was 15, the week before moving to a different country. We wrote to eachother for 2 years and met once or twice a year. We still live far apart and it has been over 20 years but we are still really close. The person matters more than the proximity in my opinion. If she is a good person for you, the distance won't be so important, and if the distance does come to be important that is always something you can change. Much better to have a real and genuine connection with someone far away than a shallow and meaningless one with someone next door. I met him, my best friend, just like you are meeting this woman, though a mutual friend saying we were both perfect for eachother!

I responded on your out of league thread and stand by that.

But I personally never had good experiences dating over distance. Once or twice a month to hang out for a night or weekend is ok. But I find there’s just too much temptation. One or both of you will end up cheating if things get serious.

It can’t hurt to just try it out 2 or 3 times. If there’s good chemistry there you might look at resolving the distance and money issue. At press time I see no future in this for that reason and that reason alone. But this is a situation that can quickly change. When you reach a certain point you’ll want to discuss the future and whether marriage is in the cards. I tend to look longer into the future personally. No doubt LDR CAN work out logically. But reality doesn’t always fit reason. So short term fun is good. Be open to LTR. But be prepared for it to NOT work out and don’t too worked up when that happens.

My sigoth lives 7 hours away and likely will be at a distance for the next few years. Yes, it's workable, but it is an additional stressor on the relationship and those involved.

Well you took the words right out of my mouth. My boyfriend is also about 6 - 7 hours from where I am right now. We both met back home in NY but since I ended up in GA with my folks, he also ended up leaving NY to relocate to FL. It can work, we've been together over a year now.

I agree with the others. First you should meet her then you can start thinking of something more.
Personally I wouldn't get into a relationship that requires me to spend the whole weekend at his or he'd spend the weekend at mine.
I always thought long distance relationships work when you know each other for a while then life happens and you need to move away for a while but you know it's not going to be long and you can be closer again.
It's a tremendous investment time and energy wise to spend weekends with somebody. For me!
After a week of work I do need some alone time too but if I'm with someone who lives far I would be thorn about spending my time with him or having a rest. Or when it's still something new we would be all enthusiastic to meet all the time but then the cracks start to open. Maybe one week I'm too tired to drive, next week he would have some other commitment...
I was in a relationship like this. It was draining as hell at the end.
But this is only my experience. The OP needs to meet that lady first.