My social awkwardness makes her uncomfortable

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Hey,

My girlfriend and I recently had a talk about hanging out with friends together, and I guess in some ways I'm just looking for some kind of verification of how to read into what she said, or how I should be taking this...

We've been together just over a year, and we don't have any mutual friends, although we have introduced each other to some of each other's friends and spent a bit of time with them. We've never been the kind of couple who are constantly together and always socialise together - we both spend time by ourselves with our own friends.

But a few days ago my girlfriend told me that she prefers to spend time with her friends without me and she basically wanted me to agree that we won't spend time with other people together from now on. The only thing is that I'm not sure whether she meant never, or less (which I don't understand because we haven't really spent time with other people in months). She tried to frame it in a way that made it sound like it was the best thing for both of us, by saying that we have different 'social needs', and social situations clearly make me uncomfortable and overwhelmed sometimes. I responded by telling her that I didn't know why she would need to ask me if I'm okay with her hanging out with friends without me being there all the time because obviously that's completely fine with me and I don't understand why it's something she would worry about me having a problem with (in the past, whenever she's mentioned meeting friends etc. my response has always been something along the lines of 'cool, have a good time!'), but also said that, although I might appear uncomfortable in social situations through being quiet etc., and I do find them draining, I am perfectly fine with hanging out with her friends, glad to be invited, and I have liked the people she's introduced me to. She responded by saying that it actually makes her uncomfortable when we spend time with her friends, because she thinks that no one knows what to make of me and that because of that I create an awkward atmosphere, which makes her nervous so she spends her time and energy on trying to think of ways to help me fit in, instead of being able to relax and have a good time with her friends. I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I basically just reiterated that she should do whatever she wants.

She then said that it works both ways and I should spend time with my friends without her, in her words because 'your friends don't like me, I'm not sure I like them, and I bet you would prefer to be alone with your friends too because I'm sure you would behave completely differently and have a better time if I wasn't there'. I don't understand why she has the impression that people I know don't like her, but she has made comments about this almost every time she's met them, despite the fact that, from what I can see, people have been friendly and polite to her, and several have told me that they like her. As to the third point, I told her that I in no way prefer to spend time with friends without her rather than with her, that I don't act differently when she's not there and that I'm always happy if she wants to come but also fine with it if she doesn't want to. The only issue I have with us spending time around other people is the fact that, on several occasions, almost always when we have been with my friends but once or twice with hers, I've supposedly done something wrong, which has led to her very obviously showing her anger towards me in public. I've recently found out the extent to which that's been noticed by others, as apparently people have been talking about us, saying our relationship seems rocky and they're surprised it's lasted so long. Because of these situations I have been more hesitant to spend time with her along with friends or other people I know, but if not for that I would have no problems with the idea.

Anyway, I guess I'm just not all that sure how to take what she told me, and where to go from here... Thoughts?

Break up with her NOW.

Trust me on this. If she’s so ashamed of you hanging out with her friends, then you have no relationship. No good whatsoever can come of this.

Take her out somewhere nice. Have a good time. Tell her you really like her, she’s a great girl and all, that you’ve enjoyed your time together, but it’s just not going to work. Tell her she’ll be so much happier, blah, blah, blah, and you wish her the very best and good luck and all that crap. Give her a hug, quick kiss on the cheek, and be done.

Just hop on the bus, Gus. You don’t need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.

Thanks a lot for getting back to me, AngelRho, it's good to have someone else's perspective on things.

I agree that she isn't worth the effort. The relationship can't last forever in a vacuum, so don't get any more attached.

Sorry

Just slip out the back, Jack.
Make a new plan, Stan.
You don't need to be coy, Roy.
Just listen to me

Everybody needs alone time. I don't see anything wrong with her wanted a night out "just for the girls". I would hope you both trust each other enough that you don't have to be together 24/7 to make sure you don't do something stupid.

From what you've said, it sounds to me like she's tiptoeing around the issue - perhaps trying to use language that won't upset you, perhaps being somewhat manipulative with her language - but basically just not being straight with you (no pun intended). IMO you need to somehow get her to just tell you clearly what she means, without adding any assumptions about what might be going on inside your mind or the minds of your friends. Just what she thinks and feels. If you can get that clarity, maybe the next step will be clearer. If you can't get that clarity from her, then is she worth the headache? as others have said.

IsabellaLinton - No need to be sorry, I wanted honest opinions so I'm glad to hear yours. I definitely understand and agree with your point about existing in a vacuum.

Modernmax - I think that's reasonable and I completely agree with you. As to whether we trust each other, I trust her, although obviously I can't say whether or not she trusts me, although I have sort of gotten the impression that she doesn't given that she's accused me of cheating on her 3+ times when I haven't, and as far as I'm aware haven't given any indication that I would, as well as being quite possessive (e.g. having us leave a bar because 'people were looking' at me), and been unhappy about the idea of me going out without her (I invited her but she didn't feel like going). I am a bit worried that I'm making too much of the conversation in my original post though, because of the fact that we have barely spent any time together in over two months and I suppose right now I feel as though it would help me figure things out if we had the chance to spend a bit of decent time together, but that doesn't seem to be happening and I suppose I'm wondering whether this will mean even less chance of spending time together (we have both been fairly busy and she works quite a lot, so I was trying to be understanding and making efforts to be available to meet at times that suited her, but several times when we had plans to meet or she had told me she would get back to me later to make plans she either cancelled or left me waiting and didn't get back to me. When we had the conversation the other day, she told me that the reason she had been avoiding me is partly because she has a sort of schema in her head for what a relationship should look like and it involves saying yes when the other person wants to meet up and spending time together with friends, so at times when she hasn't felt like doing either of those things it's made her feel guilty and led to her ignoring me instead of just saying no). I tried to reassure her that I completely understand if she wants alone time or would rather not do something with me so there's no need for her to feel guilty as far as I'm concerned, but that if that's the case I would prefer it if she either didn't suggest doing anything in the first place or could be upfront about cancelling, because then I would happily do my own thing instead of waiting around for her or passing up opportunities to do other things in order to make sure I'm available. Also, I don't know if it's worth mentioning but we don't message each other very much, or at least not anything more substantial than emojis and stickers, because she says she prefers to talk in person, so if we don't spend time together in person then we don't have much contact with each other.

Yellowtamarin - Thanks a lot for saying that, I think you're right that the most useful thing to do would probably be to try to get some more clarity from her about how she feels. The only thing is that I'm not sure how to go about that, because I've learned from previous experience that she doesn't like 'having to verbalise everything' for me - I think it maybe upsets her when she gets the impression that I don't just automatically and accurately guess what she means. If it's not too much to ask, do you have any way in your mind for how you might go about things if you were in a similar position?

Luhluhluh - That's also a good point, and to be honest it's a possibility I've definitely been considering... It's difficult to tell because recently she clearly seems to have been avoiding me, despite saying that she still feels the same way about me as before, so I'm getting mixed messages.

Thanks a lot for responding! (and don't feel as though you need to keep discussing this with me if you've said all you want to say - I don't want to take up too much of your time with my 'drama'...)

Hey, that’s what we’re here for.

Thanks for adding more depth to your situation. That indeed confirms my suspicions.

She’s breaking up with you. The cheating accusations...crazy stuff. A lot of times people accuse each other of that when they’re projecting. They don’t want to own up to their own guilt, so they accuse the other of what they’ve been doing all along. Either there’s another guy involved or there’s about to be.

I was resisting telling this story, but now is a good time.

First, I don’t really have any friends. Despite that, I don’t begrudge my SO having a girls night out. I’m not really all that possessive or jealous. But I don’t appreciate negative talk from others and really, REALLY hate it if my SO doesn’t defend me and if she complains. Bring that to my attention and let’s work things out. Do NOT, please, vent about me around others or tacitly encourage others to do the same. You want me to be pleasant and calm, the best thing you can do is just be honest. If you have to gossip about your SO, what are you doing together in the first place?

I know a lot of girls do this. Guys, too. But I won’t stand for it, and I’ll stomp a mud hole in someone if they complain to me about her. I respect people who come to me in confidence. But keep that crap behind closed doors. Don’t drag someone’s character through the mud in public.

So...anyway...girls night out...

It got to be a weekly thing, and I was totally ok with it at first. After a while, I noticed people looked at me weird or didn’t speak to me. I was NEVER invited to these gatherings, which...ok, it’s the GIRLS. Fine. But one night a “friend” kept buying her more drinks to the point she was unable to walk out of the bar.

Keep in mind, I was unaware this was happening.

So imagine my surprise when some GUY rolls up in my driveway and has to carry her up to the door, white-girl-wasted and everything. And the smell...I thought I was going to throw up it was so bad. So when she was feeling better, I had to ask her what she was doing with this other guy. She said, duh, he had to bring her home because she couldn’t drive. Ok, I understand that, but why did she have to call her husband to take you home? Oh, she didn’t have to, he was already there.

I was absolutely apoplectic. I was loaded for bear. And I didn’t care how bad she felt, I let her have it. Everyone else can bring husband/boyfriend but they don’t want ME around? Have I ever mistreated anyone? Said anything to offend anyone? I may be socially awkward, but for the most part I keep quiet and laugh at the stupid jokes and maybe drink ONE beer if that.

So this other guy brings you home drunk off you @$$ which makes things look bad enough as it is, but now I’m not even good enough to go with you while everyone else gets to be with their SO?

(“I didn’t know. Husbands/bfs weren’t supposed to be there.”)

And apparently I’m so horrible you can’t even at least call me to come pick you up? What is so important for you to talk about you can’t even call me when you’re drunk? Are you saying something about me you don’t want me to hear?

At this point things got deep. I mean, REALLY deep. A lot came out about what our “friends” are really like, just how fragile we are individually and as a couple. We never really fought much at all, but it was always obvious she was unhappy. It came out that her friends were constantly putting me down and it upset her. And when she thought about it, she realized none of it was true and that it seemed her friends were trying to split us up. What hurt her the most was realizing she had to choose between me and her friends.

We’re still together. There is one person in particular who remains a horrible influence, but the last thing I want is to relive that night. If she cuts this person out, she’ll have as many friends as I do, which I DO NOT want her to experience. What I try to communicate is that we’re both on the same team and neither of us should accept ugliness from each other and especially not from someone else. And I think having cultivated mutual friendships who reinforce us as a couple together with our honesty with each other has made us stronger and given us a sense of solidarity that is hard to find with a lot of couples.

We’ve also been very tight from the beginning and have a LOT of history. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and had to learn the hard way what it means to be HER man. I think people think of me as jealous and possessive when the reality is I actually CARE about what is going on in her life. I know for a fact other men have come sniffing around and I’ve run them all off. She respects me and always asks what I think or at least keeps me informed knowing full well she doesn’t have to or that I’m fine with most anything she wants, but outsiders tend not to see that and assume that I’m “The Boss” (I was unaware that there’s any shame in a man taking charge even if that was true).

Now, having said all of that...

Your relationship, your rules. What works for us doesn’t work for everyone. You have to agree on how those lines are drawn—and trust me, if we weren’t on the same page and the relationship wasn’t so important to us both, I’d be single right now.

I think at a MINIMUM couples need to agree not to exclude each other, or if they MUST, it should be fair. Girls night out is GIRLS night out; guys night out is GUYS night out. At a MINIMUM couples should not gossip about each other. Something said in confidence is just that. “Hey, man, this is going on with my gf and I could really use your input. What do you think about...?” That’s not the same as “my gf is such a b¡+¢#. Lemme tell you what she said last night...” And don’t tolerate it from other people, either. “What is wrong with your bf? He’s so ugly, and what’s with his voice? You are way too good for him. Hey, have you met my cousin? He’s single...”

If you can’t call people out on mistreating your bf or gf, what are you even doing together?

In a nustshell that’s what’s happening. She’s listening more to her friends and isolating you. Don’t stand for it. I’ve only had a girl choose me over her friends ONCE. EVER. And I don’t think I can expect it to happen again. Maybe you caught a nice fish, but it’s time to throw this one back. Good luck.

I want you to listen to what I'm about to say, and take it seriously. She is embarrassed by you, she doesn't want you to be around her friends for this reason. She also feels like it makes her look bad, and she seems to have made no effort to stand up for you, or to get her friends to understand you (if that came up). However, really it's not her friends, it is 100% her. She feels you aren't good enough, she is not a good person to stay with. The relationship wont be healthy, and overtime, she will just make you feel terrible about yourself for her own issues.

What is worse, is she tried to manipulate you as well, trying to say it's the best for both of you, and that you should spend time with your friends without her as well. Get out of this relationship as soon as possible. The right person, will not be embarrassed of you, that will accept you wholeheartedly and will be PROUD to have you around their friends and family. They would love you for who you are and furthermore, they would stand up for you if there were any issues. This girl is bad news, she is not just bad for you, she is actually a bad person. Don't do this to yourself, find someone that would be proud to call you theirs, because you deserve it, don't feed into her BS. Because that's all it will be, there's no conversation that could fix this. My best friend I have known since middle school for example, has told me on a few occasions how awkward I am, however, she loves me just the way I am. Invites me everywhere, we have a lot of the same friends and she introduced me to do ones. She introduces me as her best friend, and she's proud when she does so, because she likes me for who I am. And because she is this way, her friends also accept me wholeheartedly. She has never made me feel bad about myself, instead I feel the most comfortable around her. Find someone like this.

There is a difference between someone wanting time alone with friends and someone not wanting you around because of your social awkwardness.

People in romantic relationships with each other hopefully will build a life with each other and if someone finds you difficult to be around when other people are around, I don't see how it's possible to build a life with them.

I think it's best to find someone more comfortable with you.

We talked and I broke up with her. Thanks a lot for taking the time to give me your thoughts, it means a lot because I don't tend to discuss anything personal with people I know in person, so it was good to be able to share something and have others' perspectives on this to help me figure things out.

All the best Darkspark. Hope you stick around on the site