Voice Modulation Issue Ruining Relationship

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UnderINK
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16 Sep 2010, 1:00 am

I don't know how to fix this problem. My relationship is pretty much ruined and I don't know how to make it go away. I've never been able to control the level of volume of my voice. I talk too loud and I try VERY HARD to control it. But sometimes in restaurants and crap, I just can't hear the volume of my own voice. Instead of lovingly supporting me and saying 'Honey, shhh.' He freaks out on me. I understand he has an anger problem and I can deal with that, but all I was asking for was support, but he claims that I can fix the problem *myself* without him correcting me or telling me when my voice is too loud at all. From my experience, people with Autism have to have speech therepy to fix voice modulation issues. My relationship is pretty much over, and we even have a daughter together, because I can't control the volume of my voice.

Does ANYONE have any techniques I can use before seeking speech therapy to help me?



Chronos
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16 Sep 2010, 1:18 am

UnderINK wrote:
I don't know how to fix this problem. My relationship is pretty much ruined and I don't know how to make it go away. I've never been able to control the level of volume of my voice. I talk too loud and I try VERY HARD to control it. But sometimes in restaurants and crap, I just can't hear the volume of my own voice. Instead of lovingly supporting me and saying 'Honey, shhh.' He freaks out on me. I understand he has an anger problem and I can deal with that, but all I was asking for was support, but he claims that I can fix the problem *myself* without him correcting me or telling me when my voice is too loud at all. From my experience, people with Autism have to have speech therepy to fix voice modulation issues. My relationship is pretty much over, and we even have a daughter together, because I can't control the volume of my voice.

Does ANYONE have any techniques I can use before seeking speech therapy to help me?


I wouldn't put up with anyone with an anger management problem and I doubt speaking too loudly was the only reason your relationship went down hill. He obviously has some issues of his own.



kip
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16 Sep 2010, 1:21 am

Well, speech therapy might do you to learn to control your voice, though I'd recommend getting your hearing checked too. I've always talked loud because I'm apparently partially deaf, never knew that until I was 18. It's not enough to make life hard, just enough I caint hear you quite as well as you'd expect.

And no offence, but if your BF/SO/Husband, whatever he is is going to leave you because you caint keep your voice down? That's a weak excuse at best. I'd keep an eye on that one.


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UnderINK
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16 Sep 2010, 2:42 am

Well obviously it runs deeper than that. The problem is that he doesn't have the patience, after two years, to keep correcting me and being embarrassed in public. Because it's combined with my Aspergian tendency to say things I'm not necessarily supposed to because it may not be socially appropriate to say this or that, it may be too personal or too insulting, and then combined with saying it very loudly--- it's quite embarrassing. I can't blame him.



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16 Sep 2010, 12:10 pm

I can certainly blame him, UnderINK. As a far better wordsmith than myself put it:

William Shakespeare wrote:
Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

(excerpted from Sonnet 116)

In short, the attitude displayed, blaming the symptoms of your AS for his inability to deal, reveals that whatever he's feeling, it's not any emotion I would identify as "love". You deserve better than him.


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illneverbeold
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03 Apr 2018, 12:33 pm

I have the same issue and am much older than you are. My hubs is a very calm person (exactly opposite that me, lol) He doesn't care what other people think, so when I get loud (particularly when I get excited about something) He just quietly asks me to lower my voice. He understands it is something I work hard to prevent but have not been able to. I know he doesn't remind me to pick on me, it is to help me notice. Your bf sounds like a jerk and you're (and your child) most likely far better off without him.



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03 Apr 2018, 12:41 pm

That guy sounds like a real jerk....somehow I think there are more issues than the volume of your voice, perhaps some on his end to, like his anger problem. I mean really after being together long enough to have a daughter together that's the dealbreaker for him? It just kind of seems he's kind of the one with the problem...there are much worse things than talking a bit too loud at times.

Really I don't know any way to really work on that without getting feedback from people IRL, I don't see what would be so hard about your S.O just letting you know if you get too loud. I am not saying you shouldn't work on the issue if it causes problems....but even if you do get better at modulating your voice not sure it would be worth trying to save the relationship. That said I can only go on what you've posted....perhaps he has more redeeming qualities than bad ones but from what you said he does sound like a jerk and someone who might be impossible to have a positive relationship with long term.


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Last edited by Sweetleaf on 03 Apr 2018, 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LaetiBlabla
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03 Apr 2018, 12:45 pm

Just an idea, not a therapy: why not singing, if you like it?

If you want to sing well (even in the shower), you must listen to and make efforts to control your voice.
That could be a pleasant way to train it. :) ... and you must owe a "good" voice.



Last edited by LaetiBlabla on 03 Apr 2018, 12:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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03 Apr 2018, 12:49 pm

How about a signal? When I was a kid, Mom would put her hand on my shoulder or knee (if standing or sitting). That meant, "Whatever you're doing, stop it, will explain later." It worked very well because it was not an order, it was a request, and Mom was very careful to subtle with it so as not to embarrass.



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03 Apr 2018, 12:53 pm

^^for some people, it is just like that they can't control or hear the volume of their own voice. I have seen that it is really surprising.



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03 Apr 2018, 12:57 pm

LaetiBlabla wrote:
^^for some people, it is just like that they can't control or hear the volume of their own voice. I have seen that it is really surprising.


My problem is, if I get rather excited about something I might keep chatting about it way too long...not giving much room for anyone else to say anything. I do work on it and of course I can certainly try and be mindful of it...but its still going to happen sometimes. But yes my boyfriend can mention it without attacking or being overly critical, not sure if things would be working if he freaked out on me over it.


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05 Apr 2018, 11:11 am

Maybe you have a hearing impairment of sorts. Some people that talk loudly are afflicted with such.



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05 Apr 2018, 2:55 pm

I talk way too loudly as well. Guys tend to prefer soft spoken women, but there are ones out there who don’t mind. You’ll find someone!

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible with this guy.



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08 Apr 2018, 3:49 pm

This thread makes me wonder if there may be technology that can be adapted to help.

Like some sort of portable, or wearable, decibel meter that can provide visual feedback (like a kanban (sign; visual signal) management system of sorts) that indicates when you're talking too loudly and need to make a conscious effort to reign it in.

*Googles*

Boom! It already exists in the form of apps for smart watches:

Image

IMO, something like this would be well worth the expense to try if it means saving your relationship!

FWIW I sometimes have this issue and people tell me to lower my voice, and then I do. Sometimes it creeps back up and they get annoyed and remind me again. I don't take offence to it because I know they're only telling me because I can't control it myself.

edit: I noticed this thread has over 5,000 views so I clicked again to see when it was posted.. 2010. Decibel meters existed back then, but not in smart watch form. I think a smart watch & app would be far less conspicuous than a decibel meter sitting on the table in front of you. Technology can be pretty useful.


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illneverbeold
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09 Apr 2018, 2:57 pm

I have just downloaded a decibel meter. I hope it helps me lower my voice as I have the same issue. Thank you!! !




goldfish21 wrote:
This thread makes me wonder if there may be technology that can be adapted to help.

Like some sort of portable, or wearable, decibel meter that can provide visual feedback (like a kanban (sign; visual signal) management system of sorts) that indicates when you're talking too loudly and need to make a conscious effort to reign it in.

*Googles*

Boom! It already exists in the form of apps for smart watches:

Image

IMO, something like this would be well worth the expense to try if it means saving your relationship!

FWIW I sometimes have this issue and people tell me to lower my voice, and then I do. Sometimes it creeps back up and they get annoyed and remind me again. I don't take offence to it because I know they're only telling me because I can't control it myself.

edit: I noticed this thread has over 5,000 views so I clicked again to see when it was posted.. 2010. Decibel meters existed back then, but not in smart watch form. I think a smart watch & app would be far less conspicuous than a decibel meter sitting on the table in front of you. Technology can be pretty useful.