Not sure what to do at this point...

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WARNING: This is super long as I feel it's important to give context and back story so people can make better judgement calls and advice.

I've been struggling for a while now with my wife, who is an Aspie. I'll set the stage so you have an idea of why I'm at where I am at this point. My wife was not diagnosed as an Aspie until years after we were married. When we initially got together she concealed that she had any sort of neurological problems, among a few other things that I won't get into here because it's not really relevant. She tried her best to be as normal as she could be, but as our relationship blossomed there were some warning signs that I should have recognized that things were not what they seemed to be. I was in love with her though, and as you've probably heard many times: love is blind. Also keep in mind that we have been together now for well over 15 years, so my posting here isn't some shallow scenario. These are problems that have persisted for many, many years and I am at my wit's end.

As our relationship lengthened her outbursts and meltdowns were dealt with by me in a very poor manner. I basically tried to do my best to change her and force her to be "normal." I will repeat myself: neither of us knew she had AS at the time. She suspected she had something wrong with her, but at the time never revealed this to me. So I persisted in calling her out when she'd yell at the TV because someone was on it that could potentially be thought of as pretty. She is obsessed with appearance and her insistence that she is the most beautiful woman on the planet, and will go to great lengths to point out any flaw, real or perceived, to ensure that everyone knows the imperfections in someone else in order to elevate her own ranking in her mind. You can probably tell this bothers me, because it does. I'd insist that she stop disclosing very personal, and what I consider embarrassing, details that nobody else other than close family or very close friends needed to know about.

I felt what I was doing at the time was the right thing to do. I know it wasn't now. I'll explain in a minute, but I wanted to also throw a few more things out there so people understand the disparity of our relationship. She can't work (or at least she insists she can't) because of her meltdowns, PTSD, anxiety and AS. She also has done everything she can to not lift a finger at home by claiming that her PTSD is associated with housework. I will admit I am having a VERY difficult time with the last two items. The reason being is that it basically puts her in a position where she doesn't have to lift a finger and I am the one stuck doing all of the work to not only be employed to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, but also with keeping up the housekeeping on top of all the normal maintenance that goes along with being a homeowner. Meanwhile she gets to sit on the couch all day long and chat with her online friends and watch YouTube videos. Do I sound jaded? I kind of am.

This environment fostered a situation where I was becoming more and more angry at the situation, the unfairness of all the responsibilities landing on my shoulders and from my perspective doing everything she could to not be responsible for anything; whether it was income, housework or any compromises in the relationship itself. She did try to fake her way through being normal, even after being diagnosed. It ate her up inside and she'd stuff all of this down so it wouldn't show externally.

Eventually she no longer wanted to be in the marriage, though she never said anything up until a certain point. She wound up meeting some guy online and just about left me because she couldn't take the way I was treating her. At the time I was critical of her appearance because she had no motivation and was out of shape, and was still insistent on her being the most beautiful woman in the universe. Don't get me wrong, she is beautiful, but I have a hang-up about the way she demands me to acknowledge this all the time, and I don't do very well with demanding people, even if it's my wife.

I digress; she wasn't able to leave because I wouldn't give her the money to do so and I told her I'd fight her in court with every last penny I had to not give her anything to facilitate what she had planned. She only knew this guy for a few months and the warning sirens were going off in my head. On top of that, I knew the guy had NO idea what he was in for, and despite the fact she was driving me up the wall I still loved her (and still do) and did not want to see her get hurt, whether it was emotionally when things would have fallen apart between them - or perhaps physically if the guy had more nefarious ideas in mind.

We went to marriage counseling and I educated myself on Asperger's. I did everything I could to change and accept her for who she is. Things seemed to get better, but every now and then there would be some contention on things. She has a VERY bad habit of reading into what I say and putting words in my mouth. I am not the kind of person who minces words, I am not passive-aggressive (I am just plain 'ol aggressive) and when I say something it's not ambiguous or embedded with hidden meanings. When I say "nothing is wrong" I mean nothing is wrong.

Fast forward to now. We got in a fight over one of the most absurd things imaginable: me wanting to avoid a fight. There was something that had come up on a playlist that we had argued over previously. She had her opinion, I had mine. We never reached any consensus on this. Well, the same thing came up again and I skipped over it because I didn't want to rehash the argument. I knew we wouldn't agree and there was no point in getting into it again. It was the weekend, we had company over and I did NOT want to argue. So what did she do? Ask me if I skipped it on purpose. I said yes. She started in saying that we can talk about it and it won't be a problem, and then started iterating over the same points she argued last time. I said I don't want to get into it, I skipped it because I don't want to argue. She became adamant about it, and then accused me of hiding something from her. I have NO clue how she came to that conclusion. This was all over a music video, by the way, and how we had different interpretation of it.

So the whole thing devolved into a massive fight over me NOT wanting to fight by skipping the video. We argued for almost three days on this, and it completely ruined my entire weekend. I will point out that this has happened time and again lately, where if I have an extra day off or if I come home early, we wind up fighting over something that she brings up. To say I am frustrated with this is an extreme understatement, because I don't have enough free time as it is with having to be employed, do housework and maintenance on the house on top of it. The last thing I want to do is spend my free time being angry, frustrated and stuck in an argument with my wife who basically has all the time in the world to do as she pleases. She simply does not comprehend how valuable my own time is to me and seems willing to sacrifice my happiness if she feels that she's been wronged somehow, which has not been the case in over a year and half since we almost divorced.

Eventually this whole thing was dropped, or so I thought. Last weekend she brought it up again out of the blue, saying she never dropped it and just bottled the whole thing up. I'd already told here that if there are situations that come up where I can avoid starting an argument with her, I will do exactly that because I DO NOT WANT TO ARGUE. I have no idea how in her head she twists this into being a bad thing, but she does, and she continually accuses me of having something to hide. I am at a loss for words at how frustrated this makes me, because if doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I have attempted many times to explain to her WHY I don't want to argue and why I will avoid an argument if I can. I have used anecdotes, metaphors, scenarios - anything I can to try to get her to understand and she still falls back on insisting that me avoiding subjects that will result in us fighting is somehow me "hiding something." My only guess is this has something to do with Aspies being honest to the point of it being brutal. She refuses to accept that I don't want to argue.

So that leads me to yesterday where she was making some marital-related "suggestions." I was tired at the time and halfheartedly replied. She asked "did I say something wrong" - and this is where things devolved once again. She does this anytime she doesn't get the response she wants from me and reads into what I'm saying, thinking there's some hidden meaning. We've been down this same path a thousand times and I was just sick of it, especially in light of everything that's recently happened coupled with everything else that's happened over the years. Whenever she asks that it almost invariably is the start of a fight. I replied with a simple "no."

As usual that wasn't good enough I suppose, she doubled over while seated on the couch and started to stim. That's always the start of her melting down and starting a fight with me. I'd left work early yesterday and was looking forward to a few extra hours of unwinding, and instead here I was on the brink of yet another fight. Rather than deal with this AGAIN, I got up and went downstairs before I started to get angry. She melted down, which she would have done either way, and that's where I'm at today.

I know this was really long, but I felt putting everything on the table to give you guys context might help. I am by no means perfect, but I have done what I can to try to be as good a person as I can. I did not enter into this relationship or marriage knowing she wasn't NT as she was not diagnosed until after we were married. She hid a lot of things from me for a long time, so please keep in mind she is not just an innocent Aspie and I'm a cruel, overbearing NT guy. She has done her share of manipulation in this relationship, and I had done my share of damage in the past, though I have done everything I can to change. She'd tell you that I am a different person now, though with the recent fights she's suggesting that I am regressing at least partially. That isn't true, it's just the arguments we're having at this point are absurd. When we start fighting over me not wanting to fight is where I draw the line.

I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I love her, but she is literally ruining my quality of life at this point. She always blames her AS on everything, and if it's not the AS it's her PTSD, and if it's not that it's her panic disorder. She almost never takes any responsibility for anything, expects everyone around her to deal with her AS and wants special accommodations due to it. It's one thing to acquiesce to this if you're just a friend or family member that doesn't live with the person, but when you're married to them and this is an almost daily occurrence it REALLY wears thin. I'd rather not lose her, and I have no idea what she'd do if we were no longer together. The person she met a while ago wants nothing to do with her, she hates her parents and she said she'd sooner be homeless than go live with them. This leaves me feeling trapped on top of it, because I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but at the same time this relationship has soured to the point where I don't know if we have a future together.

Thanks for reading if you got all the way to this point. If anyone has experienced something like this and had things work out, or even if they didn't work out, I'd love to hear about how you dealt with things. Heck, I'm open to ANY suggestions because I'd rather things work out between us. I married her with every intention of "until death us do part" but I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.

You'd do well to read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That business of yelling at images of women more beautiful than herself *because she sees them as competitors or threats* is a huge, huge, massive, gigantic red flag. And no, Asperger's does not automatically come with a side of NPD. It also does not automatically mean the Aspie has no empathy. Many of us have a LOT of that.

Also, strongly suggest you take a look at Chump Lady's web site. VERY strongly suggest this. I think you've volunteered for far more than your share of pain already, but I'm a noncombatant in the Romance Wars, and you really need to hear from others in situations like your own.

I don't see the crux of this problem as being related to Asperger's. Please do check out CL.

Yeah, I definitely second what EW suggested - this doesn't sound to me like it's JUST Aspergers, if she even really does have that. This sounds like NPD to me. Just curious - who diagnosed her with Aspergers?

Anyway, I don't really know what else to say other than you may be facing a very tough decision here. You may love her and want to work things out, but that may not actually be possible. If she's not willing, you can't force it. And while love may indeed be blind, it doesn't necessarily have to be deaf, dumb, and stupid, too. At some point, you do need to do what's best for you.

Wow, it does not sound like the marriage counseling really did much. To me though it does certainly seem like she doesn't want to take any responsibility for anything. I mean really she can't ever do any housework because of AS and PTSD? That is ridiculous. I think it may be good for her to maybe get some counseling and help for herself, to work through some of the issues...if she really has PTSD she should go for some trauma therapy, it likely wont completely get rid of it but it can help. Honestly though it seems like she has more issues than you can help her with, So I think she either needs to get some help or consider that her behavior regardless of the reason might create an end to the marriage.

But yeah currently my boyfriend is the only one working and I am on SSI, but I do help around the apartment with cleaning and such(sometimes I could probably do more than I do, but no ones perfect) and I use the SSI money to help with bills. That said though I am actually working on getting employed through Voc Rehab so the goal is for me to at least get some part time work.

Mostly, though I am not sure how you can address all these, seems like she needs more professional help...So it may be good to suggest she do that. But yeah, seems she has gotten used to not having to do anything aside from chatting online or whatever, so might be a hard habit for her to break, but if she really cares about the relationship, that might motivate her to get serious about getting some help.

I thought I could relate because I am myself a wife diagnosed with ASD far into marriage and relationship – but as I read your post, I decided it's a whole different situation. I second others' opinion that ASD is not the core problem in her case. Yes, Aspies can argue violently over minor issues as we often misinterpret body language and other social signals. But her accusations of your "hiding something" seem closer to paranoia than any other issue. NPD has been brought up – it is relatively often confused with Asperger's (in both cases social behaviors are abnormal) and it also can co-occur. Aspie-like obsession in beauty would be rather like being a living encyclopedia of fashion and cosmetics. Snow White's stepmother-like behaviors are narcissistic. But she of course can have both.
PTSD can be treated. Did she try?

Whatever – as an Aspie wife with all the struggles and functioning problems, I believe I can say it: she is abusing you.

Thank you very much to all of you for the replies. I want to point out that what I'm writing is definitely one-sided. You're only hearing my interpretation of the situation, and I am frustrated on top of it. I'm sure if she had an opportunity to chime in she'd tell her side which might explain why she feels justified. She put up with me trying to force her to be someone she's not for years, because I didn't know she had AS (and neither did she.) She was diagnosed by our doctor who has an Aspie son.

Also, I think in my massive diatribe I forgot to mention that she has improved regarding housework, although it is minimal. She will do the dishes now and then, take out the kitchen trash and recycling once or twice a week, and will do the laundry once a week. Anything else is a once in a blue moon, such as cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming the house.

I do appreciate that she's done more than nothing, but for the most part I'm still doing a lot more than my fair share. The other problem with this is she will leap on ANY excuse she can use to not do the housework. She is perpetually ill (she has an upset stomach, hay fever, back problems, claims to have early arthritis - I find that one a bit hard to believe considering she's still young but it can happen I suppose. Any of this will result in "well I was going to do this and that, but I could because of <insert problem here>.

I will certainly check out some of the suggestions for further reading you all have offered as well. I'm desperate for solutions here besides ending the marriage if at all possible.

To those of you with AS who are as productive as you can be - you guys are awesome. Life's hard enough being NT, having AS on top of it requires a lot of strength from what I can tell (assuming that's what my wife really has of course, otherwise I guess I don't really know except from what I've read and watched on videos about it.)

Okay, I hope you both for the best
My further thoughts: I have a narcissistic person in my spouse's family and playing on one's own illnesses is one of their strategies for coltrolling others... BUT as my spouse is too familiar with this behavior, he interprets my symptoms of any illness that way and gets extremely anxious about it. I can't have a flu without him getting anxiety attacks.
If it's ASD, misinterpretations can be anywhere, on any side. If it's NPD, look up for strategies to deal with it. In any case a good training in setting your boundaries (deciding what you are ready to accept and what is unacceptable and informing of your expectations every time) would be benefitial.

I checked out Chump Lady and I don't think she's a cheater. She wasn't hiding that she was trying to leave me. The guy was basically telling her all the things she wanted to hear, and she was buying it all. He also lived in a place she has wanted to move to all her life, so I think both of these things to her sounded like the Holy Grail. She had no qualms distancing herself from me and aligning herself with him, and doing all of this while still living under my roof and with my knowledge. She felt leaving was justified because she couldn't live under the conditions she was immersed in; namely me getting incredibly angry at the lack of any contribution towards the relationship from a work standpoint (housework or employment.) Also me trying to change who she was, how she dressed, how she communicated, etc. I was also fairly apathetic towards her outbursts and mental state of mind by this point. She felt like she was walking on eggshells around me, so I sort of don't blame her for wanting to end things.

That said, in all fairness I had told her many, many times over the years that if she'd at least do some work around the house things between us would dramatically improve. She never understood, and I suspect still doesn't understand, how important it is to me that responsibilities are shared between us. I forgot to mention how she clutters the house up by dragging out all her art projects and never putting anything away until I get so irritated by everything laying out that I clean up after her. I've tried communicating that if I came home to a clean house that was de-cluttered I would be in virtual ecstasy. At best she will do a few things, and poorly. Regardless, when she does do something I almost always tell her I saw what she did and I appreciate it, hoping for consistency, more work being done and better quality. That's a pipe dream on my part that never materializes though.

I also don't think she has NPD. She is obsessed with her looks and trying to put other people down (not to their faces, mind you) in order for her to feel like she is the best looking out there. But that aside, she is mostly kind to others. She will lend an ear and try to help out people who are emotionally distressed. She's actually really nice to just about everyone. The problems only surface when you've known her for a long time and/or if she feels slighted by somebody in some way. That's when all hell breaks loose.

Just one more thought: it was perfectly okay when you left her stimming in a meltdown state. Here is a recent topic on it: viewtopic.php?t=362647 When meltdown, an Aspie will likely be unpredictable in all worst if someone interacts with them. Leaving her alone and going your own way was the best you could do.
I'm still trying to teach this to my husband
Maybe set some rules? One room for her art projects but not the rest of the house? A typical Aspie issue is not understanding subtelties of what is acceptable and what not. Simple, objective rules are the way to feel safe.

Why...why you're still married to her?

This sounds very similar to my first girlfriend (always sick, never worked, almost zero motivation, etc) although I was surprised to hear you say you have been married so long. IMO, this has nothing to do with AS and sounds more like a Cluster B disorder. I went through every single step you did (even paid a ton of money for couples counselling) and she quit that the second the counsellor started holding her accountable. It eventually clicked that I had two choices: remain miserable and eventually suicidal or take a leap of faith and go back to being single despite how much I hated the thought of going back to dating at 31.

^^ This, x 1000% .

OP, we're Aspies - 99.999999% of us are going to tell you what we really think is true, rather than what you are hoping to hear. I don't mean that unkindly. It's a feature, not a bug, but it's actually beneficial to those who can deal with it. (Especially when we've figured out how to do it tactfully.)

Those of us who are experienced with this type of situation - age irrelevant - are giving you very similar feedback. You might want to factor in something important: many many Aspies have some kind of chronic health issue that travels with the ASD. In my case, it's IBS. Really bad IBS, flares up very often, potentially a very limiting thing. Yet I held a full time job for 30+ years, and had relationships as well (including some wonderful ones), and before beginning my career I managed to complete an education through the PhD level. There are many here with far more severe limitations than mine, and a lot of discussion about how frustrating that is. Please think about that, too... and about Giant's ex-aunt. Ask yourself why the difference.

Chump Lady writes about something called hopium... and about something called the Pick-Me dance. Please think about reading her in more depth at some point, because although the front end message at her site is that she speaks to betrayed spouses, I read her - and her commenters (I lurk) to learn more about the varieties of interpersonal abuse.

You might also benefit from reading Dr. George K. Simon, who is a psychologist and about as much of an expert on character disorder as Dr. Robert Hare is on sociopathy. There is no higher compliment I could give Dr. Simon. And he does not counsel "abandon all hope". He counsels clear vision and setting aside treasured illusions in order to engage constructively and know what you are dealing with; which is different.

Link to his site: https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/ will be worth every second spent on it.

This pretty much exhausts my constructive feedback - I've said everything I can think of without repeating, so I'll leave it at this, and wish you the best, and that's sincere.