Dealing with post BPD relationship

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Wow. Just wow. I always thought that I was no fool but stupidly ignored all the red flags! This girl literally manipulated her way firmly into my life and it ended in an emotional train wreck!

If you have ever been involved with a BPD suffer which ended, how did you cope with the feeling of being used and tossed away?

I am starting to think it is mandatory for us Aspies to have a BPD relationship at some stage on our lives. For me, I think the best way to deal with the aftermath was to remember that it wasn't a case of making a 'bad choice' as much as it was inevitable that I would have ended up with someone like her due to my own self-worth issues. Maybe you are dating the exact same person as I did

They are amazingly skilled at manipulating people, especially us Aspies due to how naïve we can be. I honestly can't believe how someone as intelligent as me could have allowed someone with no job, no education and a history of failure into my life but they are great at lying and pretending. These are the type of women (and men) that can accuse you of the most hideous acts and literally convince themselves they actually happened so be glad you were "only" used and thrown away. I honestly think my BPD ex is capable of doing ANYTHING, including murder when in a fit of rage and I now realize this is NOT normal 'hormonal' behavior.

I will fully admit it is still a bit of an adjustment living with an emotionally stable wife who doesn't have the crazy highs and lows: it actually becomes a bit of an addiction. For example, my wife has probably cried less in the time I have known her than my ex did in one average night (despite dealing with far more) and sometimes I have to remind myself this is a good thing.

How long were you with this girl? I am guessing it's in the 6-12 month range because its almost like they all read from the same script.

It was less than 6 months. I was with an NT for 10yrs and she had a few emotional problems but that was a walk in the park.

It just amazes me how they can be so cold like nothing between you ever existed and then they are already with the next victim by the time you can think “wtf just happened!?”. But then of course they dangle a carrot and try to reel you back in. I’ve really noticed latley they only want you when they need something, usually sympathy or someone to stroke their ego then it’s bye for now.

My ex would internalise her anger, make herself sick and tell me what a terrible person she is and she doesn’t know how I could love her etc.... unless it was other people then she would rage! No disrespect but me trying to rationalise her thoughts was like trying to explain physics to a toddler.

I also had to endure lies too but it was after we broke up. She had mirrored everything I had said about slowing down the relationship etc. She made me look like I had a fantasy relationship with her and I was some kind of obsessed love sick school boy. Little did they know!

Have you ever visited gettinbetter.com? There is a goldmine of information that can help you understand what's going on. If you think of them as emotional toddlers in adult bodies their actions start to make more sense although I have had more luck reasoning with 2 year olds than with my ex. It was surreal how someone who clearly knew how to communicate on a date would be rolling around on the floor screaming like a toddler a few weeks later. For example, I would explain that she was welcome to stay in my place overnight but (unlike her) I had to work in the morning and needed to be in bed by 11pm. Another time I explained I needed the entire bed due to an injury and she could sleep on the air mattress. Both times she agreed but when 11pm rolled around the nuclear bomb went off.

I remember early on in our relationship she would constantly go on about how lucky she was, how I didn't deserve her, nobody else understood her like I did, blah blah blah. I must have been completely blinded by that gigantic red flag (or my inflated ego). Let's just say by the time I dumped her I was getting plenty of messages about how she was too good for someone like me and how much I was holding her back Didn't stop her from repeatedly trying to get back with me (and I was foolish enough to try to be platonic with her).

The mirroring is an important aspect too as she miraculously seemed to love everything I did: I couldn't believe how lucky I was! It took me a very long time to realize she was acting the whole time and I should have paid more attention to the crazy crap that she posted on social media. Whenever I would try to sit down and have an adult conversation, it was like trying to line up 10 cats for a photo shoot and I now fully understand she was literally incapable of having empathy. It's also interesting how you mentioned she 'made herself sick'. I have a terminally ill mother who was sick for most of my life so I tried to be understanding but she was sick literally all. the. time. especially on weekends. I should have walked away when on month three we had a big evening planned, she informed me she wasn't feeling well and I told her that she was welcome to stay at my place and I would just go alone since we had nonrefundable tickets. Apparently that wasn't the right answer because she completely lost her mind and instantly turned into a monster. Foolish me though it was my fault for not being a caring boyfriend I had to stay home and forfeit the $$$ to make sure she didn't get me evicted from my apartment.

It seems like you are going crazy but that's just the end result of being with a toxic person. Let me repeat that her dumping you so coldly was the best possible solution you could hope for. My crazy ex was NOT willing to let go and it took me 7 tries before I finally got her to leave me alone for good and I almost had to get the law involved (and should have in hindsight). Even years later I saw her walking on my street (she lived about 40 minutes away) so I am hoping she was just dating a sucker... er guy from the neighborhood rather than stalking me.

If there was any doubt, I later ran into someone that employed her briefly (she couldn't hold down a job). This is someone who is the textbook definition of being uptight, strict, following the rules and professional and she actually said to me very candidly after I told her of the breakup "I'm shocked she hasn't keyed your car yet". I replied "so that's where the scratch came from!" I also ran into one of her former coworkers who actually knew who I was without ever meeting me. I told her that we broke up and she basically acted like it was expected. As a bullied aspie, I always tried to be understanding but it is clear nobody likes her for a very good reason.

While I am by no means perfect, I can look at the fact that I have been very successfully married to a lovely woman and can know that I am capable of giving and receiving love and affection. I will reiterate not to beat yourself up as you likely did nothing wrong as her issues run WAY deeper than you. I am sure she is continuing to date losers again and again and quite frankly I don't really care as she is dead to me and once you get to that stage you will know you have officially moved on. It's very nice that on the very rare occasion I do something my wife doesn't like we will have a calm 1-2 minute discussion instead of the 3+ hours of screaming and yelling in the middle of the night.

I'm not going to lie: the hardest part about the breakup was not her crazy behavior (it was obvious I was the sane and mature one) but why I was willing to put up with being a prisoner in my own home for so long. I knew she was capable of doing anything in her rages and yet I still stayed with her. She would usually apologize, act normal for a few days but her behavior NEVER changed. That carrot will continue to be dangled in front of you but it is just a carrot on a stick nothing more.

I read that website, it was so helpful and I understand so much better now. I actually feel a lot more accepting of the situation, I reinforce to myself that I was nothing more than some narcissistic type supply source and was just used. Today I actually felt like my old self, it was a great feeling!

It’s funny because the mirroring thing is so spot on, she also liked everything I did! One thing that makes me chuckle is that she would want to come sit in the bathroom while I showered so she could be close to me!! You would have thought any normal person would think that was just weird!! This alone makes me think I’m lucky to be shot of her!

I am slowly having less contact and I’m being nice but in texts using closed statements so it doesn’t spark a conversation. In person I generally ignore her need for sympathy and try to be as generic as possible . I think it’s working. I’m prepared for more lies here and there but luckily she’s leaving the area soon so I only have to play it for a short while longer!

Thanks again!! !