Still coping with the end of a relationship

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Guardian452
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19 May 2018, 2:52 pm

Just over three months ago now, I came out of a relationship with a girl who I had been dating for almost 8 months. It was my first relationship I'd had in five years as well as being my longest and first sexual relationship, and she was the first girl I was with because I genuinely liked her and wanted to be with her as opposed to being with someone for the sake of it or out of friends talking me into it.

I'm still coping with the loss, and while things are easier than they were, I'm still all over the place emotionally, and can't help but feel like I'm never going to find anyone like her again. It's very rare for me to find someone I genuinely like, yet alone click with someone. With her, we hit it off instantly (on our first date, our waiter brought our main courses through before we'd even finished our starters since we were talking so much we didn't eat them fast enough). I'm pretty socially awkward due to my Asperger's, but my awkwardness was one of the things she loved about me (she described it as 'endearing'). As well as this, we had relatively similar interests (not exactly the same, but similar enough) and similar view points and political views (I'm incredibly left wing, and since I'm very passionate about my political beliefs it's important for my partner to share those beliefs as well), she didn't mind that I'm Straight Edge (i.e. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs), and we were both vegetarians.

We didn't really have any issues, other than that she felt that I was holding back out of fear of upsetting or offending her, and that she couldn't really have back and forth teasing with me since I couldn't always tell if she was joking or not. This was something I was trying my best to work on, as I genuinely did love her (I still do, I wouldn't be writing this thread if I didn't) and desperately wanted to make things work. While I know she did love me as well, I can't help but feel that it was my fault that things ended.

While I may find someone else, I feel that whoever they are won't compare to her, and that I'm just going to be disappointed that they won't be her. Is there any hope for me to find someone who I can love as much as I did her, and for things to work out?



BeaArthur
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19 May 2018, 3:12 pm

Be choosy about whom you date, and meanwhile occupy your mind with other things, such as a special interest. "A watched pot never boils," as they say, so keep busy and don't allow yourself to dwell on lonely thoughts. Most people do get over a breakup, but it always takes some time.


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Guardian452
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19 May 2018, 3:25 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Be choosy about whom you date, and meanwhile occupy your mind with other things, such as a special interest. "A watched pot never boils," as they say, so keep busy and don't allow yourself to dwell on lonely thoughts. Most people do get over a breakup, but it always takes some time.


I'm pretty choosy anyway, hence why I was single for about 5 years before I started dating her. I'm keeping myself occupied with my music, but my thoughts always dwell to where I don't want them to



Luhluhluh
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19 May 2018, 4:55 pm

So was there any indication of why the relationship ended? What was said, who said it? What happened?

The best thing you can do is learn from it, if at all possible.


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nick007
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19 May 2018, 9:07 pm

I've had problems getting over my 1st girlfriend & I had problems getting over my 2nd but I got in my current realtionship shortly after. Part of the reason me & both exes broke up is because of my BAD anxiety & OCD. I kept worrying about them & was clingy & needy & became controlling as a result. I learned from the experiences thou & got on anxiety & OCD meds before I got in my current realtionship. It also helps that my current girlfriend is also kind of clingy & needy.
In my experience every love is different. I feel love for all 3 of them in different ways but I think I love them all about the same amount which is quite aLOT. I still love both my exes just as much as I did when we were together but I love my current girlfriend just as much. I do hope my exes are both OK & doing well with their lives but I moved on & don't want to be back in their lives again cuz it would bring up issues that we had & might hurt them.


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Guardian452
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20 May 2018, 1:17 am

Luhluhluh wrote:
So was there any indication of why the relationship ended? What was said, who said it? What happened?

The best thing you can do is learn from it, if at all possible.


Well shortly after Christmas, she explained to me how she felt I was holding back because I was worried about upsetting or offending her so she felt like she had all the 'power' in the relationship. Things seemed fine other than that as it was something I was going to work on once she brought it up. She briefly broke up with me because of the joking thing about a month later only for her to get back with me really quickly afterwards where she said she loved me and that she was happy but she kept trying to have playful teasing with me but I wouldn't understand she was joking and she 'wouldn't get anything back'.

As for the actual break up itself, we were on a date as normal, then suddenly she became really cold and non talkative towards me. When we were walking back to the train station, I asked her if something was wrong. She kept trying to say something, but stopped before finishing her sentence (she was possibly unsure of whether or not she wanted to say what she was going to). Eventually, I finished it for her and she said she didn't think things were working out. I asked for a reason why, and she said she'd already explained it. I thought she meant the joking, and I said I'd been working on it, but she said it wasn't that and that 'something just felt off'. That's the only explanation I got, so I still don't really know or understand what happened.

Then to add salt to my wounds just as I started getting better, we met up so she could give me my jumper back about a month and a half later (she moved away just after we broke up, although that's not something that played into the break up), and it almost felt like nothing had happened as we got on just as well as we did before.