Liking a female colleague, practical tips?

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Over the course of about one and a half year, ive grown very fond of a female colleague of mine. Her hearth is pure, she probably also has aspergers, plays dungeons and dragons tabletop (! !), also is a programmer just like me. Looks great, voice of an angel and great body, open, feminine expressive face. You just KNOW she is a good person.

I am really starting to develop some serious feelings for her. You could call it ‘oneitis’. The problem is that I don’t even know whether she is single, let aline interested. And I never seem to find a good moment or way to find out.

My questions are:
- how to find out whether she is single, without making an absolute fool of myself by just directly asking her out of the blue?
- IF she is single, then am I allowed to ask her ‘out for a drink after work sometime’, or is that not allowed (by social and or company rules)
- how to best handle the fact that she is already taken, or is not interested?

I just want to finally take some action, ive been single for over ten years now and am longing for someone to love and give my positivity to!! I have social anxiety btw, but ill just have to man up!

If she wasn't single, chances are she would've made a mention of a boyfriend at this point. When it comes to the opposite sex, people tend to state that they're taken in that manner pretty early on, far as I've observed. So I dare say the chances of her being single are fairly high.

Sadly, though, I don't have any actual advice to give.

The only advice I can give is: look elsewhere. Never mix business and pleasure. Best case scenario, which is rare, is you two wind up 100% compatible and things work out for the rest of your careers. More likely scenario is you ask her out, get slapped with a sexual harassment accusation and get fired. Other scenarios are you date for a while, things don't work out, you two hate each other and now you're stuck working together. Or you break up, don't hate each other, but have to be in awkward meetings together, etc. etc. Just don't do it.

Do you have coffee breaks or something like that? It would be a nice neutral ground to approach her just for a little chat at first.

I actually had to deal with a very similar experience during this year.

- how to find out whether she is single, without making an absolute fool of myself by just directly asking her out of the blue?

First of all, how close is your relationship with her? In my case, living together I got to know the details of her romantic and sex life, so this wasn't an issue. In yours, if this hasn't come up already during normal conversation, why is that? How often do you talk with her? How much do you know her?

- if she is single, then am I allowed to ask her ‘out for a drink after work sometime’, or is that not allowed (by social and or company rules)

Well, social rules vary by country, but in principle as long as you express your desires in a non-threatening way, don't push things if rejected, it should be ok.

- how to best handle the fact that she is already taken, or is not interested?
First, don't take it personally. In fact, the best answer is, don't attach yourself to an specific outcome, that of getting a girlfriend out of this. I remember in my case I didn't care much about being accepted or rejected, I understood that what was really important was for me to tell her the truth about my feelings and my intentions, and in turn get to know about her feelings and intentions so I could either be her boyfriend or move on. She rejected me. So I am now consciously moving on, and it feels like a huge weigh off my shoulders. And we are friends still, so it went very well.
Her having a partner of being uninterested is outside your control. But if your 'oneitis' is getting in your way, maybe by obsessive thoughts or by not allowing you to fall for someone else, then that is something within your control, which could be solved by asking her out (also within your control)

Im in the Netherlands, we don’t have the same extreme metoo culture over here where u get this sexual harrasment s**t for even looking at a colleague, luckily.

Im thinking of finding another job anyway. Thats why i think the time is now, to talk a bit more to her and ask things. Indeed during ‘coffee breaks’ would be a possibility.

Shatbat, great advice there thank you! I dint talk often with her whatsoever. Nobody of the software devs within our company really talk a lot, haha...

Ok I will just strike up a regular conversation and be non threathening! Wish me luck...

Outcome independance is a biggie, thx for the reminder.

Reminds me of a guy from an office next door – no romantic interest, just social, but the first time we actually talked was when the coffee machine was broken and we started to wonder how to fix it. After two years of seeing each other every day


Good luck

I cannot advise on work place romances in the Netherlands but in the U.S., one puts themselves in the position of being accused of sexual harassment should one approach a colleague in a sexual or romantic manner or with such intentions.

That aside, over the years, after much thought on the matter, it has become a pet peeve of mine when men ask a woman if she is single. I understand the logic of this...a man does not want to accidentally enroach on a relationship she may be in, but there is also an implication in asking such a question that if she is single, she is open to dating him, when she really might not be, and then she may feel put on the spot because she must either tell him she is single but that she is not interested in him, which he will likely feel hurt by, or lie to him.

Personally I think it far better that he skip the "Are you single?" or the "Do you have a boyfriend?" type questions and just ask her out. If she is not interested or in a relationship, she will likely decline his offer and may volunteer the reason herself, and if she is interestes she will accept the offer, and there after he can inquiry as to her relationship status, or he can say something like "Hey, if you are available, would you like to go on a coffee date with me?"

Last edited by Chronos on 27 Apr 2018, 7:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

#metoo is not about being looked at. It's about being sexually assaulted and harassed. Raped, groped, stalked, being threatened in some way for sex, having your career threatened or having it destroyed for refusing to give sex or sexual favors.

The landmark case that made sexual harassment illegal in the workplace in the U.S. was Jensen v. Eveletg Taconite Co where female workers were subject to a variety of hostilities including having their belongings ejaculated on being be held down and ejaculated on themselves by male co workers.

If you are going to be dating women then please educate yourself on these issues because a woman you are in a relationship may be a victim of some of these things and you have a responsibility to be emotionally supportive and physically protective if need be.

I definitely agree with this. Over the course of my working life, it’s better to keep things professional. Even with getting too close to people even in a non romantic sense.

I’ve had the date then hate each other and have to work together thing. Not nice.

I’ve had the “too close” friendship thing, a few times. Toxic and disastrous.

I’ve had some guy I wasn’t even remotely interested in stare at me constantly (Not looking. Staring.)and talk to me on instant messager asking me stupid touchy feely s**t and complained to management. The guy ended up getting fired, but for something unrelated.

Go ahead, realistically work is the most likely place to find a relationship.

Dating someone from work, is a double-edged sword. It can be great for meeting, and getting to know people on a casual basis, but it can also lead to a lot of problems down the road. If you are planning on finding a new job soon, it shouldn't be much of a problem though, as long as company policies allow it.

One way to find out if she is single, is to check out her Facebook profile, if she has one. Keep in mind, it might not always be accurate, or up to date.

As far as taking action goes, I would say it's better to ask and get rejected, than to not ask, and let it bug you the rest of your life.

Do what my therapist told me, just ask her, go to her and ask her out. I went and asked her out for coffee, then she declined because she doesn't like coffee. But then I followed up with, I'm actually trying to ask you out. She of course had no idea I was interested. But now she knows. She declined and that was the end of it. She is nice to me now. I think she appreciated me being direct and being me. She had a choice in the matter instead of being fooled into "friends" but want actually more.

Awesome!

I think any time a guy is interested in someone, he should be interested in a friendship as a component of some ongoing relationship, even if it never goes beyond that and you’d at some point been interested in more. I feel like if you can’t just be friends with someone you want to ask out, were you ever really interested in her as a person to begin with? And if not, why bother asking her out at all?

That’s mainly why I insist on a friends-first approach and kick emotional involvement to the back burner. You always leave yourself room to grow IF it’s ever going to happen. If you feel being just friends is something you’d have to fake, I’d bet that there’s not much potential for a deeper relationship anyway and you’re better off moving on before you even try.

If you are not expecting a particular outcome, then great, but most people (guys especially) usually have specific intentions, when it comes to being "friends" with the opposite sex. Friendships with the opposite sex normally don't turn into anything more, unless the other person is also interested, and just wants to take it slow. That being said, it's usually better to let the other person know what your intentions are, sooner, rather than later.