Shyness held me back and still does

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While it's true that I have been rejected by the opposite sex, a hard pill for me to swallow is that I've feared rejection more to the point I didn't even try asking girls out in fear of getting rejected. In fact, the first time I ever asked a girl out, I was worried she would say no so I quickly stated that I was kidding. I didn't ask another girl out for many years after that but the thought scared me because I thought I would always get rejected for being too nice as well as not being loud and aggressive.

The late Dr. Brian Gilmartin actually coined a psychological term called "love-shyness" (Sometimes this term gets thrown in with involuntary celibacy but it predates that term) after interviewing a large number of men who wanted relationships but they were too scared to approach women due to chronic shyness. I first read about it on the cusp of becoming depressed near the end of 2005 when I started looking at my peers and seeing that they were dating while I was not. I actually cried reading this and wanted to die because I felt my fate was set in stone.

But why did this fear of rejection come about? Can it be cured?

What's the worst thing that can happen to you when you start talking to a girl? I would really like you to answer that.

I’m very shy

I’m really only an extrovert on the Internet. It’s the only really outlet I have. Playing instruments and singing in front of people is just part of being a musician, so I tend to feed off the fear and anxiety of performance. I just kinda get lost in it, so whether it’s 30 people at a party or 300 in church or 3,000 on TV being a shy person doesn’t really get in the way.

The whole “random woman on the street” is a new concept for me because I was fortunate enough to meet women in other ways that didn’t really make us complete strangers. The women I met back then found my shyness to be “cute,” so between that and music and right place, right time, right kind of people, I could compensate somewhat for my social deficits.

But meeting NEW people when I don’t have the benefit of those things... basically I find it only a matter of inserting yourself into someone’s environment. See people and let yourself be seen. Work up to making eye contact and verbal greetings. “Hello there! How are you?” I watch NT’s do this all the friggin time. “I’m great! How about you?” “Great! Good to see you!” And that’s IT. The conversation never goes beyond that.

So for a shy person, nailing down a complete convo in 15 seconds isn’t a bad start. All this says to others is “I like people and you. I’m busy, but not so busy I can’t just be nice to everyone.” I’ll be running across town on my usual Wednesday afternoon running route and even if I’m out of breath and have no intention of stopping I still say hello and ask them how they’re doing.

It’s not natural for me in the slightest and I’m still awkward. I’m well aware of that. But what I’ve done is make short, 3-phrase question/answer conversations a habit. Every now and then I run (not literally) across people who really just want someone to listen, so I’ll get “well...sigh...I’ve been a lot better. I’m dealing with ____ right now and it’s really got me down.” “Aw, I’m sorry to hear that! What happened?” And it turns into a lot more than basic greetings. People will never know you’re shy when that happens and they’ll talk your ear off.

So I used to experiment with this when I used to walk in the park. I had no intention of picking up dates that way and I never even hinted that I’d ever ask a woman out. What I found fascinating about the whole thing was how quickly I could go from total stranger to acquaintance with someone and have extended convos. And it didn’t get weird or anything.

Once you’re more in the habit of meeting people that way and just hit them with a basic, minimalist, 1-2-3 convo. You have 15 seconds start to finish UNLESS the other person actually wants to talk.

I suppose you could go for a 1-2-PUNCH and actually ask for a date.

1 heya! How’s it going?
Great! And yourself?

2 fine, thanks! Did you have an exciting weekend?
Meh...I just kinda stayed home and chilled. Kinda boring

PUNCH aw, I’m sorry to hear that. Hey, there’s this band playing at ____ on Saturday night. Why don’t you come with me? It could be fun!

[yes]. Awesome! I’ll pick you up at __:__

[no]. Ok, that’s fine. Maybe next time!

Now, if she says no, I’m going to assume the worst that there will never be a “next time.” You say this for 2 reasons: 1. You leave the invitation open and avoid burning bridges. 2. You give her a chance to save face and let you down gently instead of making her look like a mean person. That leaves you looking like a nice person she COULD potentially date, and for all you know she may reconsider. Don’t count on it, but always be open to it.

Anyway, it’s ok to be shy. There’s no shame in that. But even shy people can position themselves to get to know people and get dates.

It's always held me back too but surprisingly the one thing i've found to be easy is talking to the opposite sex, but only if we first get to know each other online. I just cannot approach a stranger offline.
I have my whole life so far found girls to be a lot more judgmental, so I can see why you would feel hesitant to date but if it's something you really want I would suggest going for the down to earth, simpler girls and avoid the popular, shallow ones entirely. Go on a dating website (I wouldn't suggest Tinder) and pick out the ones you think would accept your shyness and who may be shy or at least a little introverted themselves, some might even present themselves as shy in their profiles without using that exact word maybe.

I think the best way to get over your fear it is to just do it. The risk of rejection is smaller if you first chat online, be yourself and be honest about yourself and your (in your opinion) less charming qualities as well, without sharing too much too soon.
If you do this the girl will know what to expect upon meeting you and if it still doesn't work out romantically you can find some great friends. I have found really good platonic friends through dating! And if you make some female friends that might help you to feel more confident around women in general.

Love shyness is an evolutionary trait linked to neurodiversity. The purpose is to stop people from cold-approaching and starting conversations. Why? Because a natural connection cannot be formed if you cold-approach, ask out or talk to a crush. So, evolution tackled this issue with shyness and making it hard to impossible to approach somebody you are romantically interested in. I'm also sure that part of the reason was that cold-approaching poses a threat to a females safety.

It's only a disadvantage if you have been culturally programmed to believe dating is the way all relationships start.

So, people that are love shy can try to work against their nature in various ways or stop using dating.

Women are nothing but people.

Don't put p_ssy on a pedestal.