How to be there for my Aspie GF

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Hi everyone,

This is my first post but I've been reading posts and comments at this site and found them extremely helpful. I am a NT, who is in a 9 month (off and on?) relationship with a wonderful woman who is on the spectrum (this is how she refers to herself). This is my first time being in a relationship with someone who is on the spectrum... and she also experience frequent anxiety and mild OCD. We had some rocky times in the beginning where I've taken much of her behaviors and communication style personally when everything seemed so one sided and insensitive... but since then I've read books, browsed through forums like this one and tried (and trying) to really understand what she goes through and quickly adapted to her ways of doing things and communicating.

She experienced a major disappointment in her life couple of months into us dating and she went through a period of shutdown for about a month where she only responded to couple of text messages during that period. After 4 weeks, I called and found out that she thought about taking her own life and got on medication. I care so much for her that I tried my best to be there as her friend and support her through this dark time. In the course of next few weeks, she opened up, we got close again and things seemed great. Then she asked me to be exclusive with her and I said yes. Things were great for a while and I got a bit busy with multiple visitors from out of town in the span of two months. Visitors included my mother, my sister, two of my best friends from abroad. I've always extended invitations to my girlfriend that she could join us in all or any of our activities and let her know that it was okay if she didn't. She joined at least one of the activities with each of them during the multiple stays but now I am wondering if all this was too much for her. The next time her and I were finally alone, it was our first weekend trip together and I felt like she was completely shutdown once again. We had to cut the trip short so she can go back home to her safe spot but now after few days, I haven't heard much from her. She did say something has changed between us and in my mind I feel like we just haven't had the opportunity to connect and communicate while I was busy. Perhaps she's having anxiety around meeting the people who are in my life for the first time and getting cold feet about being in a relationship with me. I did share this thought with her and told her that it was okay to take it slower and that I just want to see her happy, even if we aren't together. She hasn't said much after that and its been couple of days.

I like her a lot, I care about her a lot... I think I am in love with her. I wish she would open up to me enough to let me know what she needs from me (even if that is no contact for few days or couple of weeks which I can totally respect). But I just feel like she has built another wall. Shall I just continue to send her cheerful message once a day as I have been doing? Shall I stop contacting her until she reaches out to me? What can I do so that she can be assured that I'll always be her friend first so she doesn't have to worry about things alone if she doesn't want to be? I also learned about co-dependencies but don't think I am co-dependent... I feel like I try to hold my boundaries straight and let her do what she needs to do. I want to continue our relationship, be there for our good times and bad. So long as we have healthy communication, meeting her unique needs is something I can handle. I just don't even know if she wants that with me when she get's all quiet. Any tips on what I can do to help and keep my sanity is much appreciated.

Did she say why things have "changed?"

There could be many reasons why she withdrew; I couldn't even speculate as to why. It could be that she's fickle, and just wanted "a change." It could be the whole thing with you was too intense (not you fault).

Has she ever expressed any sort of interest in a man?

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, and that you are alone and without her.

I hope she messages you soon---so that there could be some sort of "opening." Or some sort of "closure."

Thank you Kraftiekortie. No, she did not say what changed, she said she was processing and trying to figure it out. She has always been in relationships with women, so I don’t think that has suddenly changed.

Is it best to not say anything until I hear from her? I’m bracing myself for weeks or indefinite silence

I might write a gentle letter stating that you want to be friends. That you like her as a person. And that you will respect her final decision.

Don't say how much you miss her, desire her, etc.

That, to me, seems like the best approach.

Your instinct might be to resolve your problems through communication but that could be daunting for her. I would avoid discussing your options, avoid talking about feelings and see if you can hang out and get back into a safe and cozy space with her.

If there is something that you like do together that feels very safe then you could try asking a simple unloaded question like
"shall we watch an episode of ---- then?"

When I'm shut down or splitting I get demand resistant and even questions like
"do you want to?" or "do you feel like?" feel too loaded so I'm much more likely to go along with a friendly suggestion.

Unless she has said to you that she wants to split up in her own words it might be better not to discuss that possibility, that kind of thing can be confusing.

If she doesn't want to hang out or things don't improve then a letter sounds like a good idea.

I believe Domineekee gives good advice.

Don't make this into a "heavy" thing, even though you feel "heavy" about her.

Keep it casual.

KraftieKorte & Domineekee, thank you for your insights. She just sent me a message asking me if I wanted to talk about everything tomorrow evening. I’m very scared that she may suggest to part ways but I’m going to keep it light and positive.

Man-o-man...did you get lucky!

I've been in some situations where I've been "ghosted" forever.

I wish you luck. I hope you guys get back together.

Well, good luck!

Bear in mind that NT relationships with those who have neurological disorders is insanely tough. If you're confused now and feeling any frustration, you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. You have to be ready to take some extraordinary steps in order to make things work, and you also need to be prepared to make a lot of sacrifices. This isn't something that will improve over time. It's exceptionally rare when it does.

Bear in mind that NT relationships with those who have neurological disorders is insanely tough. If you're confused now and feeling any frustration, you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. You have to be ready to take some extraordinary steps in order to make things work, and you also need to be prepared to make a lot of sacrifices. This isn't something that will improve over time. It's exceptionally rare when it does.

Responding to comment above, sorry if I did it wrong. Do Aspies not know how to compromise and meet half way? This is a serious question. Why does the NT have to make sacrifices? Can the Aspie say that they understand something, but they actually don't?

Part of the difficulty here is that autistic people are living in a world where nearly everyone else isn't autistic. If we're to live at all independently, hold down jobs and have relationships, we're obliged to try to live in a world where everything is slightly alien to us. We're very often striving against our natural traits to present ourselves as much as possible like a neuro-typical person, for hours, day after day. Just to be able to function relatively normally, we are constantly compromising, often taking it entirely upon ourselves to translate everything between the two worlds with almost everyone we meet. As we grew up with it, and it is "normal" to us, we do it without even thinking about the incredible effort involved or expecting it to be recognised; but it is a huge effort to live like this. We don't necessarily do it because we're saints, but because it's necessary for our survival, and because we are often very anxious not to draw attention to our autistic traits.

At the same time, I can see why that can create difficulties in a relationship. An autistic person who is already working flat out just to be able to function out in the world might have have less flexibility in reserve for the compromises expected in a relationship. The hidden effort put into managing our autistic traits could undoubtedly make compromises seem one-side, because we might have already been compromising as much as we're able just to have a relationship at all.

I want to make clear; I'm trying to explain, not to dismiss the genuine distressing emotions that NT partners are expressing; I've had my fair share of guilt over the pain that I've caused many people in my life, and autistic people can also find their relationships "insanely tough" at times (and not just the romantic relationships.)

As for the "understanding, but not" question. Oh yes, there's a big difference between me really understanding and only thinking that I understand!

you need to be there for yourself first. try and talk to her about how she feels about the relationship and keep an open mind - maybe she's not as into it and is indeed having cold feet. Either way, it's not fair to leave you second guessing. you deserve certainty. being on the spectrum, or having any kinds of neurological differences doesnt mean that your behaviour has to always be excused. if someone behaved like that towards me and just left me to double guess things i would have zero tolerance for it ( im very much the brutally honest type tho i appreciate my style is a bit rough around the edges eheh). I think in order to build a healthy relationship you need to have trust in each other and feel like you can openly talk about anything. good luck.

^ Yes, I agree, that's why I acknowledged the pain that I've caused people in my previous post. There are many things which can cause friction in a relationship and NT/AS differences can be one of them for some couples. A resolution which meets both partners' emotional needs is no less important than for any other relationship problem.