My girlfriend wants to have a child but I'm not ready yet

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My girlfriend wants to have a baby next year. She's obsessed with babies. She looks at pictures of babies and says she wants one. I think next year is too soon. I said we should wait 5 years.

This made gf angry. She says she'll be infertile by that time. She's 30 now. She'll be 35 in five years. I pointed out that other women have had children when they were 35.

I think that we haven't been together long enough to consider having a child. I think that by next year, we still won't have been together long enough to consider having a child. You don't have a child with someone you only met last year. She's always trying to rush me. She wanted to move in with me when we had only known each other for three weeks.

I think that it would be wrong for her to force a child on me before I'm ready. I have to take her needs into consideration too but I think this isn't a real need, this is her being jealous of some of her friends already having children.

I've been in that situation. I felt bad because my cousin got married when he was 26 and I was still single. GF feels bad when her friend has a baby at 26 and she's still childless.

I think it was wrong for me to compare myself with my cousin or with other people and to obsess over how old I was when I reached certain milestones compared to other people. I think those comparisons weren't good for me. I think those comparisons aren't good for her either.

She's really been obsessed with having a baby. I think obsession doesn't help people make rational decisions. When I get obsessed with something I usually spend thousands of dollars. Her child could cost $20,000 per year.

I'm not only fighting her obsession, I'm also fighting her culture. In Chinese culture they like to have children young. According to her culture, she's already too old to be childless. Her mother wants her to have children. Her mother is amazingly tolerant of any misbehavior from me but only because she believes I'm her path to grandchildren.

I have no doubt that she'd be a devoted mother but she doesn't seem to understand how badly it would hurt her job searching. I told her she should have a child after she gets a job so that way she can claim maternity leave. She can get paid to stay home and look after the child but only if she gets a job before she has a child.

What can I do? We have the most terrible arguments about this. I'm actually thinking of leaving her due to this issue. That would be a shame because in some ways it's the best relationship I've ever had. What can I do?

Your girlfriend seems to forget that there are two people in your relationship. (Well, three if you count the mother.)
It's great that you both agree that at some point you want children.
Five years is not an unreasonable time to wait to feel ready to start a family with someone, however, age 35 has historically been when fertility starts to significantly decrease and mutations increase.
Maybe try a compromise? Say, start trying in three years? That way it will be close to four years when the baby arrives but she will have gotten pregnant two years earlier than your target.
Babies can come along unexpectedly.
You could get a vasectomy and have it reversed when you are ready.

Only you can decide what’s right for you, and only she can decide what’s right for her.

If your desire to wait is stronger than your relationship, maybe it’s relationship off time.

If her desire to have a baby asap is stronger than her love for you, then maybe it’s relationship off time and she needs to be with someone who wants a child asap instead.

Only the two of you can decide how this plays out.

She does, she does. In some ways she's a very devoted girlfriend, always cooking and cleaning for me but she likes to control everything.

She's Chinese so I think it's in her culture. In Confucianism the man is the ruler of his wife but as ruler, he must do what is best for her. She says I'm her king but as king I must do what is best for her. By that she means do whatever she wants.

I don't her controlling the minutia of my life. I also don't want to control the minutia of her life. I really don't like the Confucian idea that women are somehow lesser than men.Mutations? Like the X-men?

No seriously, what kind of mutations could result from her being 35?Yes. That's a good idea.I'm concerned that a vasectomy might not be reversible. I've heard stories about guys trying to get their vasectomy reversed but not having enough vas deferens left to reach the target.Yes. I've really been thinking of dumping her because of this. I've even been thinking that maybe the only reason she's with me is because her real goal is to have a child and she sees me as a sperm donor.She could try that but it might be difficult at her age. If she tried to find another boyfriend she would be fighting against the clock. If she finds another boyfriend he might want to wait five years as well.

I don't think there are many guys who want to have a child asap.True. She doesn't even like me talking to other people about our problems. I told her that I must talk to other people because I need advice.

There's someone from work I talk to about relationship problems. GF said I should stop talking to her or she would leave me. I didn't like being controlled that way, being told who I'm allowed to talk to. I said if she was going to be like that she can leave me.

Girlfriend said I should make decisions by myself instead of letting someone from work do it for me. So I said, "Fine. By myself I've decided that we must wait five years".

GF believes I'm in love with this woman from work. I tried to explain how ridiculous it is that I'd fall in love with a woman who's the same age as my mother. Is GF really going to be suspicious of me any time I talk to another woman? Even if that woman is decades older than me?

"She's always trying to rush me."

And now you know why.

She's trying to latch onto any guy she can so she can have that baby.

Be really careful that you don't get trapped. Speaking as a woman, I know how sneaky some women can be when they have their minds made up about this.

Yes. I'm concerned that might stop taking her birth control pills and not tell me.

Condoms are cheap. Kids? Not so much.

i don't want to sound an awful person, but is she a immigrant? does she have permanent residence?

maybe is just a cultural thing but this whole rush to do things feel weird and cold for me. like the point isn't a relationship or even the baby itself but just checking things on a list for god knows what.

Probably the most common or most obvious mutation would be Down's syndrome - Trisomy 21 - results in three copies of chromosome 21 instead of two.

She doesn't like condoms either. We tried that but she kept jumping me before I had a chance to put it on. That was when I told her we had to use another form of contraception.

I told her to go to the doctor, with intent that she'd get one of those contraceptive implants put in her shoulder. She came back with two boxes of birth control pills

Yes she's an immigrant. No she doesn't have permanent residence. If she wants to get PR, there are ways she can do that without having kids. I even told her I'll be the partner for her partner visa (so long as she pays the $10,000 fee herself).

Oh crap! That's one of my least favourite disabilities

Can downs syndrome be detected early enough for a legal abortion?

More red flags that she’s trying to get preggers asap to serve her and her mother’s agenda of her having a kid & staying in your country while trapping you in a lifelong relationship. This is such a classic move.. so obvious. It’s sounding more and more like she views you as an unwitting pawn in her game - especially with the additional info that she doesn’t want you seeking relationship advice from an older wiser woman who you’re not sexually attracted to.

Absolutely agreed. You had best be very careful if you choose to keep seeing her. She has an agenda.

My uncle agreed to marry a Filipino women so she could get citizenship. Then, he stupidly slept with her, and she got pregnant.

Suffice to say, she ruined his life.

Don't. Do. It.