05 Jun 2018, 12:54 pm
05 Jun 2018, 1:01 pm
Confused4 wrote:
Dated this guy with suspected Asperger’s the past two months. He’s been single in a long time, probably never had a real relationship but not for lack of trying to date. We connected instantly, and it was nice and intense. Asperger’s became less relevant as weeks were going by. Finally, we went physical and he was able and unable to perform on a few occasions. We had a lengthy conversation last night where he admitted that my weight bothers him. I’m overweight but healthy and generally feel attractive. That blow was impossible to swallow so I told him that we were through. After coming out of two unsatisfying relationships, I cannot imagine not being invested 100% and feeling a full mutual attraction. He indicated that he does not want to end things but just stayed in one spot, like paralyzed, as I was leaving. I am emotionally devastated because this person was right for me on virtually every point that matters. Think he felt the same (other than the physical). I am broken today but am worried about him and his wellbeing; opening to a relationship and almost everything being perfect and then leaving abruptly. I just need to vent. Any insight welcome. Thanks!
Well yeah, Aspies are painfully honest.
And you can't really fault the guy for being honest. If your weight bothers him, then well... I know it hurts but he told you the truth. Try to imagine it from his perspective: he liked you but he did have an issue and he told you and then you reacted by dumping him. And seriously, guys can be super sensitive when they have a sexual issue so he tried to tell you the problem and look where it got him.
I'm not saying what you did was wrong, just that this is an issue with Aspies/NTs. It's like never ever ask an Aspie something like "do these jeans make my butt look big." Because generally - if you have to ask, you already know the answer - you're just looking for validation.
05 Jun 2018, 1:28 pm
Luhluhluh wrote:
And you can't really fault the guy for being honest. If your weight bothers him, then well... I know it hurts but he told you the truth. Try to imagine it from his perspective: he liked you but he did have an issue and he told you and then you reacted by dumping him. And seriously, guys can be super sensitive when they have a sexual issue so he tried to tell you the problem and look where it got him.
I'm not saying what you did was wrong, just that this is an issue with Aspies/NTs. It's like never ever ask an Aspie something like "do these jeans make my butt look big." Because generally - if you have to ask, you already know the answer - you're just looking for validation.
I was not bothered by the honesty but by the lack of it from the beginning; why wasn't he honest with himself and me since he was aware of the lack of attraction? And why would he want to continue in the relationship with this massive elephant in the room? I left him because this elephant is too vast to swallow and people should seek relationships where they are fully accepted just as they are.
I'm nonetheless devastated.
05 Jun 2018, 2:07 pm
Confused4 wrote:
Luhluhluh wrote:
And you can't really fault the guy for being honest. If your weight bothers him, then well... I know it hurts but he told you the truth. Try to imagine it from his perspective: he liked you but he did have an issue and he told you and then you reacted by dumping him. And seriously, guys can be super sensitive when they have a sexual issue so he tried to tell you the problem and look where it got him.
I'm not saying what you did was wrong, just that this is an issue with Aspies/NTs. It's like never ever ask an Aspie something like "do these jeans make my butt look big." Because generally - if you have to ask, you already know the answer - you're just looking for validation.
I was not bothered by the honesty but by the lack of it from the beginning; why wasn't he honest with himself and me since he was aware of the lack of attraction? And why would he want to continue in the relationship with this massive elephant in the room? I left him because this elephant is too vast to swallow and people should seek relationships where they are fully accepted just as they are.
I'm nonetheless devastated.
Well who knows, maybe he thought he could get past it, maybe he thought it was not going to be a big deal - I mean only he knows the answer to that question.
But either way, yeah, I don't blame you for reacting the way you did because regardless of WHY he did what he did, it still hurts to be on the receiving end of his behavior.
ConcernedNtHusband
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 11 Apr 2018
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 37
Location: United States
07 Jun 2018, 10:15 am
07 Jun 2018, 10:24 am
07 Jun 2018, 10:56 am
07 Jun 2018, 11:14 am
Luhluhluh wrote:
Well yeah, Aspies are painfully honest.
That "We had a lengthy conversation last night where he admitted that my weight bothers him" to me doesn't sound much like him being painfully honest, it sounds more like this:
Btw OP he just said that he doesn't find it attractive, which most people don't unless they have some sort of fetish. A relationship is also made of compromises and it doesn't necessarily have to be perfect in all aspects, if you think so you're in for a rude awakening. Did he do or say anything about your weight that hurt you, except saying that he doesn't find it attractive?
07 Jun 2018, 11:19 am
goldfish21
Veteran
Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
07 Jun 2018, 12:42 pm
Don't worry about him. People come and go. He might feel sad for a bit, but if he wasn't truly attracted to you he's not going to dwell on this forever. He'll get over it and move on with his life. At least he learned that he needs physical attraction, too, not just mental.
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
ConcernedNtHusband wrote:
Confused4 wrote:
I’m overweight but healthy and generally feel attractive.
If you're overweight you are not healthy. Pet peeve of mine. Overweight is the precursor for many health issues to come and you're racking up debt that you're going to pay later on down the road. You've already seen the fallout from being overweight with this scenario that played out, why not stop being lazy and do something about your weight? Your body will thank you and instead of "generally feel attractive" you'll feel attractive all the time, and you'll feel a hell of a lot better, too.It's possible to be overweight and healthy. She didn't say obese.
I am about 30 lbs overweight, but I eat healthier than anyone I know and I exercise regularly. It's just been hard to get rid of that little bit of padding, because I live on a budget and eating healthy is expensive. But I have no chronic health conditions related to weight, my cardiovascular system is very healthy and I am active (I bike and walk everywhere I go.)
Don't be so judgmental. You don't know what someone else's health situation is based on their weight.
Food budget excuses for eating poorly are exactly that, excuses. If one has a limited budget to spend on food (and most all of us do, myself included) then that means one cannot afford to waste Any money on foods that are unhealthy or not nutritious. On limited funds, it's even more critical that people optimize their nutrition for every dollar spent - and it's entirely doable with very simple planning. I speak from experience.
It's always sad to see obese people with very limited funds spending their grocery dollars on foods that make them even more unhealthy vs. ones that would improve their health. So wasteful & self sabotaging. To suggest that the reason they buy and eat nothing but empty carbohydrates is because they can't afford healthy food is absurd. IMO, they can't afford to waste even $1 of their limited food budget on unhealthy foods, but it seems Pareto's law prevails and the lion's share of their grocery bill is spent on crap vs. foods that nourish & heal.
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.goldfish21
Veteran
Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
07 Jun 2018, 12:44 pm
Luhluhluh wrote:
To be completely fair, I get what ConcernedNT Husband is saying. Someone can start out overweight and still be relatively healthy, but as you age, that extra weight will take its toll on your health in the form of arthritis, clogged arteries, high blood pressure, possible diabetes and complications of diabetes, etc. So I understand what he's saying and he's right.
HOWEVER, that being said, it's also not his place to call anyone out for their weight because it's none of his business. She is grown and she can do what she wants to do.
The issue here is that the OP's boyfriend was dating her for 2 months and apparently never bothered to tell her her weight was bothering him until she had to come out and ask him. Why was he dating her in the first place if it bothered him so much? I can see why that would make her upset with him. I mean it's not like she gained that weight overnight - it was there when they met, and it wasn't a problem them, but now suddenly 2 months later it is. If he wasn't attracted to her why was he with her? Yeah, it's upsetting to be in that position.
HOWEVER, that being said, it's also not his place to call anyone out for their weight because it's none of his business. She is grown and she can do what she wants to do.
The issue here is that the OP's boyfriend was dating her for 2 months and apparently never bothered to tell her her weight was bothering him until she had to come out and ask him. Why was he dating her in the first place if it bothered him so much? I can see why that would make her upset with him. I mean it's not like she gained that weight overnight - it was there when they met, and it wasn't a problem them, but now suddenly 2 months later it is. If he wasn't attracted to her why was he with her? Yeah, it's upsetting to be in that position.
It's very simple: Like many of the Aspie males on this forum, he was desperate & craved attention and connection so jumped at the opportunity to date anyone, even if he wasn't sexually attracted to her. The OP even said the guy had been single a long time, maybe forever. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out why he would have led her on for his own self serving reasons of having some form of contact & communication with the opposite sex.
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.07 Jun 2018, 1:35 pm
goldfish21
Veteran
Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
07 Jun 2018, 2:14 pm
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Don't worry about him. People come and go. He might feel sad for a bit, but if he wasn't truly attracted to you he's not going to dwell on this forever. He'll get over it and move on with his life. At least he learned that he needs physical attraction, too, not just mental.
It's possible to be overweight and healthy. She didn't say obese.
I am about 30 lbs overweight, but I eat healthier than anyone I know and I exercise regularly. It's just been hard to get rid of that little bit of padding, because I live on a budget and eating healthy is expensive. But I have no chronic health conditions related to weight, my cardiovascular system is very healthy and I am active (I bike and walk everywhere I go.)
Don't be so judgmental. You don't know what someone else's health situation is based on their weight.
Food budget excuses for eating poorly are exactly that, excuses. If one has a limited budget to spend on food (and most all of us do, myself included) then that means one cannot afford to waste Any money on foods that are unhealthy or not nutritious. On limited funds, it's even more critical that people optimize their nutrition for every dollar spent - and it's entirely doable with very simple planning. I speak from experience.
It's always sad to see obese people with very limited funds spending their grocery dollars on foods that make them even more unhealthy vs. ones that would improve their health. So wasteful & self sabotaging. To suggest that the reason they buy and eat nothing but empty carbohydrates is because they can't afford healthy food is absurd. IMO, they can't afford to waste even $1 of their limited food budget on unhealthy foods, but it seems Pareto's law prevails and the lion's share of their grocery bill is spent on crap vs. foods that nourish & heal.
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
ConcernedNtHusband wrote:
Confused4 wrote:
I’m overweight but healthy and generally feel attractive.
If you're overweight you are not healthy. Pet peeve of mine. Overweight is the precursor for many health issues to come and you're racking up debt that you're going to pay later on down the road. You've already seen the fallout from being overweight with this scenario that played out, why not stop being lazy and do something about your weight? Your body will thank you and instead of "generally feel attractive" you'll feel attractive all the time, and you'll feel a hell of a lot better, too.It's possible to be overweight and healthy. She didn't say obese.
I am about 30 lbs overweight, but I eat healthier than anyone I know and I exercise regularly. It's just been hard to get rid of that little bit of padding, because I live on a budget and eating healthy is expensive. But I have no chronic health conditions related to weight, my cardiovascular system is very healthy and I am active (I bike and walk everywhere I go.)
Don't be so judgmental. You don't know what someone else's health situation is based on their weight.
Food budget excuses for eating poorly are exactly that, excuses. If one has a limited budget to spend on food (and most all of us do, myself included) then that means one cannot afford to waste Any money on foods that are unhealthy or not nutritious. On limited funds, it's even more critical that people optimize their nutrition for every dollar spent - and it's entirely doable with very simple planning. I speak from experience.
It's always sad to see obese people with very limited funds spending their grocery dollars on foods that make them even more unhealthy vs. ones that would improve their health. So wasteful & self sabotaging. To suggest that the reason they buy and eat nothing but empty carbohydrates is because they can't afford healthy food is absurd. IMO, they can't afford to waste even $1 of their limited food budget on unhealthy foods, but it seems Pareto's law prevails and the lion's share of their grocery bill is spent on crap vs. foods that nourish & heal.
Um, OK? Thanks so much for that "helpful" contribution by focusing on one small aspect of my comment. Bye!
Just wanted to add that you know nothing about my circumstances and what is an "excuse". Eating healthy is in fact expensive for me because I have an autoimmune disease that effects my digestion (not related to my being overweight other than the steroids they put me on at the hospital effected my metabolism and contributed to putting on the extra weight) and caused me to have to change my diet in ways that are actually expensive, for example the supplements I have to take because my gut isn't always so great at absorbing stuff like calcium. So kindly f**k off with your judgey "help", as you don't know s**t about my life or health.
And so, with a limited food budget, you somehow have money to waste on unhealthy food that only makes matters worse? I see..
You're very welcome for the help.
Most people making poor dietary decisions based on limited finances don't comprehend that they should be buying & consuming the healthiest things they can with their limited funds. It seems you're amongst them. Glad I could shed a little light on the issue for you & I do hope you become healthier for it with your newfound knowledge.
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.07 Jun 2018, 3:12 pm
goldfish21 wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Don't worry about him. People come and go. He might feel sad for a bit, but if he wasn't truly attracted to you he's not going to dwell on this forever. He'll get over it and move on with his life. At least he learned that he needs physical attraction, too, not just mental.
It's possible to be overweight and healthy. She didn't say obese.
I am about 30 lbs overweight, but I eat healthier than anyone I know and I exercise regularly. It's just been hard to get rid of that little bit of padding, because I live on a budget and eating healthy is expensive. But I have no chronic health conditions related to weight, my cardiovascular system is very healthy and I am active (I bike and walk everywhere I go.)
Don't be so judgmental. You don't know what someone else's health situation is based on their weight.
Food budget excuses for eating poorly are exactly that, excuses. If one has a limited budget to spend on food (and most all of us do, myself included) then that means one cannot afford to waste Any money on foods that are unhealthy or not nutritious. On limited funds, it's even more critical that people optimize their nutrition for every dollar spent - and it's entirely doable with very simple planning. I speak from experience.
It's always sad to see obese people with very limited funds spending their grocery dollars on foods that make them even more unhealthy vs. ones that would improve their health. So wasteful & self sabotaging. To suggest that the reason they buy and eat nothing but empty carbohydrates is because they can't afford healthy food is absurd. IMO, they can't afford to waste even $1 of their limited food budget on unhealthy foods, but it seems Pareto's law prevails and the lion's share of their grocery bill is spent on crap vs. foods that nourish & heal.
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
ConcernedNtHusband wrote:
Confused4 wrote:
I’m overweight but healthy and generally feel attractive.
If you're overweight you are not healthy. Pet peeve of mine. Overweight is the precursor for many health issues to come and you're racking up debt that you're going to pay later on down the road. You've already seen the fallout from being overweight with this scenario that played out, why not stop being lazy and do something about your weight? Your body will thank you and instead of "generally feel attractive" you'll feel attractive all the time, and you'll feel a hell of a lot better, too.It's possible to be overweight and healthy. She didn't say obese.
I am about 30 lbs overweight, but I eat healthier than anyone I know and I exercise regularly. It's just been hard to get rid of that little bit of padding, because I live on a budget and eating healthy is expensive. But I have no chronic health conditions related to weight, my cardiovascular system is very healthy and I am active (I bike and walk everywhere I go.)
Don't be so judgmental. You don't know what someone else's health situation is based on their weight.
Food budget excuses for eating poorly are exactly that, excuses. If one has a limited budget to spend on food (and most all of us do, myself included) then that means one cannot afford to waste Any money on foods that are unhealthy or not nutritious. On limited funds, it's even more critical that people optimize their nutrition for every dollar spent - and it's entirely doable with very simple planning. I speak from experience.
It's always sad to see obese people with very limited funds spending their grocery dollars on foods that make them even more unhealthy vs. ones that would improve their health. So wasteful & self sabotaging. To suggest that the reason they buy and eat nothing but empty carbohydrates is because they can't afford healthy food is absurd. IMO, they can't afford to waste even $1 of their limited food budget on unhealthy foods, but it seems Pareto's law prevails and the lion's share of their grocery bill is spent on crap vs. foods that nourish & heal.
Um, OK? Thanks so much for that "helpful" contribution by focusing on one small aspect of my comment. Bye!
Just wanted to add that you know nothing about my circumstances and what is an "excuse". Eating healthy is in fact expensive for me because I have an autoimmune disease that effects my digestion (not related to my being overweight other than the steroids they put me on at the hospital effected my metabolism and contributed to putting on the extra weight) and caused me to have to change my diet in ways that are actually expensive, for example the supplements I have to take because my gut isn't always so great at absorbing stuff like calcium. So kindly f**k off with your judgey "help", as you don't know s**t about my life or health.
And so, with a limited food budget, you somehow have money to waste on unhealthy food that only makes matters worse? I see..
You're very welcome for the help.
Most people making poor dietary decisions based on limited finances don't comprehend that they should be buying & consuming the healthiest things they can with their limited funds. It seems you're amongst them. Glad I could shed a little light on the issue for you & I do hope you become healthier for it with your newfound knowledge. I don't buy unhealthy food. I don't eat junk food. You are talking out your ass and making assumptions about me. Your passive aggressive BS does not fool me, I see you and what you are trying to do here. Try it on someone else more susceptible to those sort of games. I won't be participating further in this discussion with you.
goldfish21
Veteran
Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
07 Jun 2018, 3:19 pm
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Don't worry about him. People come and go. He might feel sad for a bit, but if he wasn't truly attracted to you he's not going to dwell on this forever. He'll get over it and move on with his life. At least he learned that he needs physical attraction, too, not just mental.
It's possible to be overweight and healthy. She didn't say obese.
I am about 30 lbs overweight, but I eat healthier than anyone I know and I exercise regularly. It's just been hard to get rid of that little bit of padding, because I live on a budget and eating healthy is expensive. But I have no chronic health conditions related to weight, my cardiovascular system is very healthy and I am active (I bike and walk everywhere I go.)
Don't be so judgmental. You don't know what someone else's health situation is based on their weight.
Food budget excuses for eating poorly are exactly that, excuses. If one has a limited budget to spend on food (and most all of us do, myself included) then that means one cannot afford to waste Any money on foods that are unhealthy or not nutritious. On limited funds, it's even more critical that people optimize their nutrition for every dollar spent - and it's entirely doable with very simple planning. I speak from experience.
It's always sad to see obese people with very limited funds spending their grocery dollars on foods that make them even more unhealthy vs. ones that would improve their health. So wasteful & self sabotaging. To suggest that the reason they buy and eat nothing but empty carbohydrates is because they can't afford healthy food is absurd. IMO, they can't afford to waste even $1 of their limited food budget on unhealthy foods, but it seems Pareto's law prevails and the lion's share of their grocery bill is spent on crap vs. foods that nourish & heal.
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
ConcernedNtHusband wrote:
Confused4 wrote:
I’m overweight but healthy and generally feel attractive.
If you're overweight you are not healthy. Pet peeve of mine. Overweight is the precursor for many health issues to come and you're racking up debt that you're going to pay later on down the road. You've already seen the fallout from being overweight with this scenario that played out, why not stop being lazy and do something about your weight? Your body will thank you and instead of "generally feel attractive" you'll feel attractive all the time, and you'll feel a hell of a lot better, too.It's possible to be overweight and healthy. She didn't say obese.
I am about 30 lbs overweight, but I eat healthier than anyone I know and I exercise regularly. It's just been hard to get rid of that little bit of padding, because I live on a budget and eating healthy is expensive. But I have no chronic health conditions related to weight, my cardiovascular system is very healthy and I am active (I bike and walk everywhere I go.)
Don't be so judgmental. You don't know what someone else's health situation is based on their weight.
Food budget excuses for eating poorly are exactly that, excuses. If one has a limited budget to spend on food (and most all of us do, myself included) then that means one cannot afford to waste Any money on foods that are unhealthy or not nutritious. On limited funds, it's even more critical that people optimize their nutrition for every dollar spent - and it's entirely doable with very simple planning. I speak from experience.
It's always sad to see obese people with very limited funds spending their grocery dollars on foods that make them even more unhealthy vs. ones that would improve their health. So wasteful & self sabotaging. To suggest that the reason they buy and eat nothing but empty carbohydrates is because they can't afford healthy food is absurd. IMO, they can't afford to waste even $1 of their limited food budget on unhealthy foods, but it seems Pareto's law prevails and the lion's share of their grocery bill is spent on crap vs. foods that nourish & heal.
Um, OK? Thanks so much for that "helpful" contribution by focusing on one small aspect of my comment. Bye!
Just wanted to add that you know nothing about my circumstances and what is an "excuse". Eating healthy is in fact expensive for me because I have an autoimmune disease that effects my digestion (not related to my being overweight other than the steroids they put me on at the hospital effected my metabolism and contributed to putting on the extra weight) and caused me to have to change my diet in ways that are actually expensive, for example the supplements I have to take because my gut isn't always so great at absorbing stuff like calcium. So kindly f**k off with your judgey "help", as you don't know s**t about my life or health.
And so, with a limited food budget, you somehow have money to waste on unhealthy food that only makes matters worse? I see..
You're very welcome for the help.
Most people making poor dietary decisions based on limited finances don't comprehend that they should be buying & consuming the healthiest things they can with their limited funds. It seems you're amongst them. Glad I could shed a little light on the issue for you & I do hope you become healthier for it with your newfound knowledge. I don't buy unhealthy food. I don't eat junk food. You are talking out your ass and making assumptions about me. Your passive aggressive BS does not fool me, I see you and what you are trying to do here. Try it on someone else more susceptible to those sort of games. I won't be participating further in this discussion with you.
I didn't make any assumptions. You said that it's because you're on a budget and eating healthy is expensive that you're overweight. It's more likely because you've consumed more calories than you've burned, and make unhealthy food choices with your limited funds.
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.07 Jun 2018, 3:27 pm
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