FoBAF (Fear of Being Alone Forever)

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TheAllanMuir
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13 Aug 2018, 7:33 pm

So my no.1 fear is that I will end up a bitter old man who “could have found someone” I am on OkC, PoF, Tinder and it’s mirroring real life: I’m invisible or in more accurate terms I’m a haunting as I’m surrounded by ghosts. Simply put I’d like advice on if I should cut myself off from emotion.



kraftiekortie
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13 Aug 2018, 7:36 pm

Frankly.....Tinder, OKCupid, etc.....don't "mirror" real life.

It's better to go out there and meet people, rather than assume that the world is like the Internet.



BeaArthur
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13 Aug 2018, 7:49 pm

TheAllanMuir wrote:
So my no.1 fear is that I will end up a bitter old man who “could have found someone” I am on OkC, PoF, Tinder and it’s mirroring real life: I’m invisible or in more accurate terms I’m a haunting as I’m surrounded by ghosts. Simply put I’d like advice on if I should cut myself off from emotion.

Age 23 is a little early to be giving up, don't you think?


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SZWell
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13 Aug 2018, 7:50 pm

Exactly what Kraft said, I deactivated all those apps cause I simply didn't get it. I would get matches and ppl wouldn't respond to simple stuff like Hi or Hello and not much easier when they did opt to talk to me as well. I have much better luck in person when ppl get to understand me formally but for one reason or the other that doesn't always surmount to anything either...

So FoBAF huh... Oof, I'm in with you OP.


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SZWell
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13 Aug 2018, 7:53 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
TheAllanMuir wrote:
So my no.1 fear is that I will end up a bitter old man who “could have found someone” I am on OkC, PoF, Tinder and it’s mirroring real life: I’m invisible or in more accurate terms I’m a haunting as I’m surrounded by ghosts. Simply put I’d like advice on if I should cut myself off from emotion.

Age 23 is a little early to be giving up, don't you think?


Don't tell us when to give up BEA :x


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jimmy m
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13 Aug 2018, 8:34 pm

SZWell wrote:
Don't tell us when to give up BEA :x


I think BeaArthur has a valid point. I didn't meet my future wife until I was 25. And actually Bea is telling you not to give up especially not at the age of 23.



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13 Aug 2018, 8:55 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Frankly.....Tinder, OKCupid, etc.....don't "mirror" real life.

It's better to go out there and meet people, rather than assume that the world is like the Internet.


To be honest, dating apps, and online dating suck, especially for guys (it's even worse for Aspie guys). The guy to girl ratio is lopsided (too many guys) on there, which means the women get flooded with messages, and that majority of guys go without a date, or get ghosted once the next better looking guy comes along.

I have had better luck meeting people in person, as well. There is less competition, and they can actually get to know you a little bit.



Mythos
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13 Aug 2018, 11:50 pm

You'll find somebody. It's a cliche, but it's true. I mean, the chances that nobody at all out there that may match your interests is single is drastically low.



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14 Aug 2018, 12:04 am

Mythos wrote:
You'll find somebody. It's a cliche, but it's true. I mean, the chances that nobody at all out there that may match your interests is single is drastically low.


You're not factoring in the probability of that person being attracted to you, being attractive to you, and being single.
Take me, for example. I'm someone who is potentially autistic (never formally diagnosed, but my therapists have strongly suspected me to have it), suffers from depression and thus it is impossible to have confidence, is not wealthy, not good looking, and has niche interests that tend to be male-dominated. Additionally, I have no prior relationship experience and struggle even making friends.

And the worst part is the older you get the worse your chances get. The dating pool shrinks, the inexperience becomes more and more of a turnoff to people. So 23 is not too early to give up at all, because you can definitely see the writing on the wall by then. I'm 22 and I've well and truly given up on finding romance, because I'm self-aware enough to see how worthless I am.

The only purpose I have left in life is to save up enough to buy my parents a house. Outside of that I have nothing.



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14 Aug 2018, 12:19 am

Yes, you should definitely cut yourself off from that emotion, it doesn't serve you in any way. Focus on your career and hobbies, and develop yourself as a person. Then, if you're lucky, you might start becoming attractive to the opposite sex, and get the chance to provide for a 30 year old woman, who's had 10-20 times the amount of sexual partners as you, and who only really chose you because she ran out of options.



SZWell
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14 Aug 2018, 2:20 am

jimmy m wrote:
SZWell wrote:
Don't tell us when to give up BEA :x


I think BeaArthur has a valid point. I didn't meet my future wife until I was 25. And actually Bea is telling you not to give up especially not at the age of 23.


I know, I was mostly joking. To Sabreclaw and Closet Genius's points though, after you've been through your teen years and transgressed into adulthood without experience then the future field looks grim. It's like hoping to get into a good college without a proper degree or at least it seems: which is the biggest problem. Despondency can be a slippery slope; there's no safety net for us. Maybe success changes the scope but that's not a promise

I know it's irrational because of the sheer amount of people on the planet but at this point, if you haven't sprouted from the peduncles of social opportunity, chances are, that you're likelier not to compared to most people. It's still irrational not to try, from that point of view, but the knowledge that you're going against the field will affect you and your life to the point where trying's a herculean effort.

I'm typically seen as average-to-decent looking male in my circles but currently losing the reproductive race to men without jobs, some illiterate, without homes, and porous personalities among other things. It feels parodic sometimes- (mostly just talking about college girls btw) I don't even entertain anytime that I think someone may be flirting with me, even when I feel 80% sure- Only leads to despair. Dark despair. Even today, I felt like my sisters' friend might have made several attempts at me but I didn't pay it no nevermind. Just can't afford it. Thought I knew enough about body language to know what's what but apparently I really don't.

Me and my FoBAF brethren just want safety


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The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Aug 2018, 3:59 am

I can say that I have ended up just like that, my serial fwb relationships (mostly with bored foreigners, bored single moms, divorced women or even married but 'separated', all of 33-40 age range...etc) won't last long, there was/is no potential for one to develop into a lifetime relationship and lately I no longer have the mental energy for the idea of marrying/LTR - yet I shouldn't be concerned about that because no woman would see me as a husband/LT material.

It's only a matter of (short) time that I 'll be too old and unattractive to fwb potentials and will end up alone.

And there's not much friends around too, all disappeared after marrying or moving abroad.



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14 Aug 2018, 4:16 am

Why do people have to turn anything into an acronym nowadays, even if it doesn't make sense? (WDPHTTAIAANEIIDMS)

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I can say that I have ended up just like that, my serial fwb relationships (mostly with bored foreigners, bored single moms, divorced women or even married but 'separated', all of 33-40 age range...etc) won't last long, there was/is no potential for one to develop into a lifetime relationship and lately I no longer have the mental energy for the idea of marrying/LTR - yet I shouldn't be concerned about that because no woman would see me as a husband/LT material.

It's only a matter of (short) time that I 'll be too old and unattractive to fwb potentials and will end up alone.

As far as I remember, you've always been afraid and didn't seem to desire long term relationships much.



HighLlama
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14 Aug 2018, 4:17 am

TheAllanMuir wrote:
So my no.1 fear is that I will end up a bitter old man who “could have found someone” I am on OkC, PoF, Tinder and it’s mirroring real life: I’m invisible or in more accurate terms I’m a haunting as I’m surrounded by ghosts. Simply put I’d like advice on if I should cut myself off from emotion.


Look at the quality of people on those sites, though. PoF should be called Plenty of Borderlines. Lots of profiles of women who call themselves princess, talk about how you can't judge their behavior because they've been hurt, then list all the things they expect you to do for them. Do you really want to be matched with those people?


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The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Aug 2018, 5:06 am

Peacesells wrote:
Why do people have to turn anything into an acronym nowadays, even if it doesn't make sense? (WDPHTTAIAANEIIDMS)
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I can say that I have ended up just like that, my serial fwb relationships (mostly with bored foreigners, bored single moms, divorced women or even married but 'separated', all of 33-40 age range...etc) won't last long, there was/is no potential for one to develop into a lifetime relationship and lately I no longer have the mental energy for the idea of marrying/LTR - yet I shouldn't be concerned about that because no woman would see me as a husband/LT material.

It's only a matter of (short) time that I 'll be too old and unattractive to fwb potentials and will end up alone.

As far as I remember, you've always been afraid and didn't seem to desire long term relationships much.


^^ Maybe, but probably I convinced myself of so because I know deep inside that no woman would consider me as a LT material.