My NT Partner revealed he doesn't like tongue kissing me.

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So there has been many downs lately in my 2 year relationship with an NT man (mainly due to him lying to me about various important things including his past. I have been unsettled due to moving in together and I have decided it's best I live alone after lease has ended, and also I realised I have not gotten over previous Aspie man I was in love with, who helped me realise I was AS.) I will include that I am an Aspie and I am straight - demisexual.

Anyway, with everything coming up lately, my partner revealed that he does not like tongue kissing me or me trying to tongue kiss him. It was obvious to me as he pulled away from me or pushed me away every time since just after we started dating. He says he loves me, I believe this to be true despite him being dishonest lately and not realising how important honesty is in a relationship with me.
He cannot come up with a reason as to why he doesn't like it. He has done it with previous girlfriends, one night stands, even drunk with women he doesn't like or find attractive and enjoyed it with them. He states it is not because of me. (I think it is somehow.)

He has come up with a few things it could be:
Associations with being drunk and stupid (something he used to do a lot. But then why doesn't this include sex, foreplay etc.?)
The fact I admitted that the Aspie man I was seeing prior and I loved tongue kissing. (but then again, he knows we did other intimate things, why are they not included?) It felt amazing and I felt connected to someone like I had never felt previously. I wonder if the connection and experience felt wonderfully different because we are both Aspies or just falling in love?
I wonder if it is age. He is 14 years older than me, but surely that wouldn't make someone not interested in tongue kissing, but still interested in sex.
Also, despite the fact that toothpaste is so overwhelming for sensory reasons, I still brush and floss everyday and have my teeth cleaned at the dentist every six months. I'm a non-smoker. I have no fillings or anything like that - healthy.
He hasn't been to the dentist in 7 years and he smokes.

My current partner has tried tongue kissing me to just make me happy, but it feels empty. It feels like there is no desire or passion behind it. Why would I want someone kissing me like that if they don't want to and are not excited to be doing so?

I do love my man. I hate arguing with him and I hate feeling inadequate or like I'm being messed around with. I'm exhausted and my family cat had to be put down unexpectedly yesterday and that's also depressed me more than I was already.

I cannot get my head around what the reason could be?

Well IDK could be a number of things....I mean I rarely tongue kiss my boyfriend, its not like I think he's gross or anything I just IDK, for one I feel like I am not very good at it and its just not as great to me as some people think it is. So maybe he just doesn't really like it....or maybe he needs some more time to get comfortable with it. I mean me and my boyfriends intimacy has improved some just because we've learned more about what things we like to do and such.

But the vast majority of our kisses do not involve tongue at all...thing is I may have done more tongue kisses with guys before him. And the way those turned out it did not really seem all that romantic in the end. So I mean could be your boyfriend has just gone further with intimacy with people sooner and didn't like the results...so maybe he's nervous about that kind of thing and doesn't want to ruin it with you. Maybe he thinks hes bad at it.

Also though maybe if you get your teeth cleaned regularly...and he smokes and has not has his taken care of, maybe he worries it would be gross for you or something.

If it was me, the only time I couldn’t would be if someone has putrid breat coming from the organs.

There is bad breath from the mouth, but often when people are constipated or have an organ not working in their digestive system, they have breath that smells like under the sink that brushing won’t fix.

Please don’t be offended, I’m not saying it’s the case here, but as an aspie who has hypersensitive smell, that it one reason I wouldn’t do it.

Not offended, but honestly, my breath doesn't smell. I too am hypersensitive. He's not worried about being unpleasent for me in that sense.

I feel that if he was single, if approached by a girl for kissing, he wouldn't pull away. I'm sure that if he felt like he went too far and ruined things, he wouldn't want to have sex with me or be comfortable with sex.
He has liked it and done it with other women. He's not just starting out with relationships and dating, he is in his early 40's and has had serious relationships previously. He has tongue kissed plenty of women.

Last edited by WallflowerAsparagus on 02 Jul 2018, 6:45 am, edited 2 times in total.

hmm well IDK then, I mean I suppose you may have to ask specifically...if you have been together for a while and it is really bothering you than may be something to bring up.

Unfortunately, I have asked over and over and he says he doesn't know why.

Generally i think women like kissing more then men, and its also more a young(er) people thing to do,
lets see if that's somewhere; https://www.quora.com/Does-one-gender-like-kissing-more https://www.quora.com/Why-dont-many-adu ... t-art-form
ah that's called 'making out', weird

I can understand how that would be difficult. Sucks that he won’t tell you.

I guess so, but it doesn't make any sense as to why he was more than happy to kiss other women like that just a few years ago.

Yep, and I've realised lately that if I ask questions he reveals more about different things he didn't want me to know about or lied about, after he said initally that he didn't know. So now he's asking "Why do you ask me the same thing over again - I told you I don't know! " Probably because I did it before and everytime I did, I learnt something new.
That sort of thing pushes people away.
Oh, well.

I don’t know why you bother to be honest. He seems a bit dodgy.

I'm seeing all the red flags lately. and I'm wondering it myself. You're not the first one to say, even friends that know him tell me this behaviour lately seems very dodgy and weird.

Argh. I am sorry. I hope things cheer up with you. I would hate to be dealing with someone dishonest.

Thank you. It is just upsetting as I made it clear from the start that I need an honest relationship, if I'm going to have one. Thinking about that need, I would think it's an understandable need for people, probably even more so for Aspies. I'm completely honest with him about everything. I just feel like a moron sharing everything with someone even if it's something shameful or scary, and realising later that they won't do the same for me.

He's even admitted that lying is a "knee-jerk reaction" for him sometimes. I can't do that to someone I care about... I would feel overwhelmed with guilt.

Honesty is very important and to me personally, he seems very dishonest. If I was in your situation, I would be constantly doubting myself and going crazy. To be completely honest sweetheart, I couldn't deal with it. Am always completely honest and open myself, almost to a point where I start doubting if it doesn't scare people off but relationships are built on honesty, not on lies. Like you see now, in the end, the truth always comes to light. Truly am sorry you have to go through this. You deserve better and I hope you know that.

The kissing part. As a man who is very passionate, I find it strange. How you describe it, it feels like he is somehow distancing from you. There is a reason for it, maybe subconsciously. A void is present. When a woman kisses me, she knows I like/love her, let me tell you

There is a bigger connection between 2 people on the spectrum because they understand each other better.

Most of all, my condolences for your loss. Hope he at least supports you in that.

Wish you much luck and strength Milady.

Oh my. I'm sorry, I'm going to say this bluntly - run away. Get away. ASAP.

He isn't honest, and I would bet dollars to donuts he is cheating on you. That type of reaction to what should be an intimate delight is always a bad sign.

(For the record: I myself am a cis het demisexual serial monogamist. But I don't think everyone else has to be all of that, or any of it! I know there are people who make polyamory work, and a wide wonderful world of LGBTQ variation in how people love and are loved, and people who are happily joyously asexual all their lives. I get soppily happy for folks who find happiness / love in any form that works for them. But I think dishonesty in any relationship is a deal breaker, and cheating on your ostensible beloved is as dishonest as it gets.)

Really, get away from this guy, he's not good to you and he's not good for you.