Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

The extroverted guy or the introverted guy?

Page 1 of 2 [ 28 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

girlpearl
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 26 Dec 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 12

17 Jun 2018, 9:36 am

Sorry for long post.

I am currently seeing two people and I don't know which one would be best for me!
One of them is very extroverted, he likes going to parties to socialize with his friends even though he has aspergers just like me but he has no social anxiety which I do. We still have lots of things in common apart from being aspies. We met on a dating site without even knowing the other also had aspergers!! ! But he has shown no sign of wanting to be more than friends other than some compliments here and there and neither have I, I don't even know how to flirt so.

The other guy I also met on a dating site. He is more like me in his behavior. He sits inside almost all the time apart from short walks when he feels like it. He doesn't have any friends who lives close enough to hang out with and he is happy with that life. He does not have aspergers but he is very accepting of my diagnose and he can actually relate to many of my problems. He on the other hand is very loving and already acts like we're in a relationship in the way he talks although he says he also wants to take things slow in order for them to work out...

I am now wondering which one I would be happiest with in a longterm relationship (I do not enter relationships unless they're for longterm). My most recent ex was a loner who disliked other people and I felt that we were very isolated and eventually I ended up feeling suffocated and lost interest in him. I don't want an isolated life. I am considering cognitive behavioral therapy to get over some of my social anxiety so I can get out more and I wouldn't want a partner who clings on me all the time and doesn't want to get out ever and the other guy has already proven to be somewhat clingy although I can see that he would still be a really good and understanding partner.

I on the other hand worry that dating someone extroverted would put pressure on me, i'd be forced to socialize at least once in a while but I could also make friends via my partner which is a plus, and i'd have a lot of alone time which is another plus and I could feel inspired to get out more myself. I just wouldn't want arguments over me not wanting to attend a party for example.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,671
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

17 Jun 2018, 9:51 am

It's funny that you're thinking of the benefits what each may bring to you, what about attraction?



girlpearl
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 26 Dec 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 12

17 Jun 2018, 9:55 am

The first guy is probably more my type physically, none of them are my type 100% but i've dated a popular and handsome guy before and that proved to me that looks and social status mean nothing... But I do tend to be more attracted to my opposite.



whatamievendoing
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Aug 2016
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,336
Location: Finland

17 Jun 2018, 10:48 am

I'd advise you to wait it out and see which one you develop feelings towards first, or if you develop any feelings towards either. Then make your choice based upon that.


_________________
“They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.”
― Kurt Cobain


Kurgan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Apr 2012
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,132
Location: Scandinavia

17 Jun 2018, 6:03 pm

Go with the one you have strongest feelings for, or date both until you can decide. Unless you're in a relationship, there's nothing wrong with dating several people. You don't owe anything to anyone but yourself.


_________________
“He who controls the spice controls the universe.”


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,671
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

18 Jun 2018, 2:39 am

It’s obvious that you like the first one more.



girlpearl
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 26 Dec 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 12

19 Jun 2018, 7:36 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It’s obvious that you like the first one more.


Possible but i'm not sure how good of a match we would be in the long run and I talked to a friend about this who said that he's great but that the second guy would obviously be better for me in the long run, and that he is more mature and ready for something serious. So i'm torn because in the past I haven't listened to advice and made terrible choices in boyfriends because I let my feeling decide and my feeling hasn't been very good. So now i'm very cautious about relationships. It's much more difficult than I used to think I thought feelings like these are always automatically right



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,671
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

19 Jun 2018, 7:42 am

Ok, do this test:

1- Close your eyes

2- Imagine guy 1 naked

3- Imagine having sex with him.

Repeat the same with guy 2.

Do both pass this test?



Luhluhluh
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Dec 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 755

19 Jun 2018, 9:29 am

girlpearl wrote:
Sorry for long post.

I am currently seeing two people and I don't know which one would be best for me!
One of them is very extroverted, he likes going to parties to socialize with his friends even though he has aspergers just like me but he has no social anxiety which I do. We still have lots of things in common apart from being aspies. We met on a dating site without even knowing the other also had aspergers!! ! But he has shown no sign of wanting to be more than friends other than some compliments here and there and neither have I, I don't even know how to flirt so.

The other guy I also met on a dating site. He is more like me in his behavior. He sits inside almost all the time apart from short walks when he feels like it. He doesn't have any friends who lives close enough to hang out with and he is happy with that life. He does not have aspergers but he is very accepting of my diagnose and he can actually relate to many of my problems. He on the other hand is very loving and already acts like we're in a relationship in the way he talks although he says he also wants to take things slow in order for them to work out...

I am now wondering which one I would be happiest with in a longterm relationship (I do not enter relationships unless they're for longterm). My most recent ex was a loner who disliked other people and I felt that we were very isolated and eventually I ended up feeling suffocated and lost interest in him. I don't want an isolated life. I am considering cognitive behavioral therapy to get over some of my social anxiety so I can get out more and I wouldn't want a partner who clings on me all the time and doesn't want to get out ever and the other guy has already proven to be somewhat clingy although I can see that he would still be a really good and understanding partner.

I on the other hand worry that dating someone extroverted would put pressure on me, i'd be forced to socialize at least once in a while but I could also make friends via my partner which is a plus, and i'd have a lot of alone time which is another plus and I could feel inspired to get out more myself. I just wouldn't want arguments over me not wanting to attend a party for example.


Have you considered choice C - which is none of the above?

It is totally okay to just date both guys on a not serious basis, as long as everyone is of the understanding that it is just dating - NOT a serious commitment.

If you're not feeling "it" with either then that's okay. Just date both and see what happens, maybe you'll decide you like one more than the other, maybe you'll decide you don't really like either one.


_________________
That which does not kill us makes us stranger.


girlpearl
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 26 Dec 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 12

19 Jun 2018, 1:08 pm

Luhluhluh wrote:

Have you considered choice C - which is none of the above?

It is totally okay to just date both guys on a not serious basis, as long as everyone is of the understanding that it is just dating - NOT a serious commitment.

If you're not feeling "it" with either then that's okay. Just date both and see what happens, maybe you'll decide you like one more than the other, maybe you'll decide you don't really like either one.


Yeah I have but I know for me it's difficult to find someone who could put up with me. I need very serious commitment and strong feelings before I can get intimitate with someone for example, most guys don't have patience for that. So I don't wanna dismiss someone who accepts me and can relate to me when they do show up which is why I feel so stressed because the second guy who is the one I know for sure is interested in more than friendship claims he has no desire to move quickly forward either yet he's already treating me like a girlfriend and being very loving towards me. I have interest in him too but I don't know if this is an aspie thing in general or just me? But when someone gets very affectionate like that I can freak out and cut off contact entirely regardless of how I feel about the person. That's probably why i've ended up with the wrong people in the past, people who aren't very loving. And I am very bad at communicating how I feel.



RetroGamer87
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,186
Location: Adelaide, Australia

19 Jun 2018, 4:45 pm

You should go with the first guy


_________________
The days are long, but the years are short


Dylanperr
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2018
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,756
Location: Somewhere In A Boreal Forest

10 Jul 2018, 10:20 pm

I am a very introverted and shy person I shall say so.



Tequila
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,897
Location: Lancashire, UK

10 Jul 2018, 10:29 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It's funny that you're thinking of the benefits what each may bring to you, what about attraction?


They should give her the sack. ;)



Sabreclaw
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Dec 2015
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,971

11 Jul 2018, 5:35 am

So your last relationship didn't work out because you got tired of feeling isolated with the guy? Well, sounds to me like the same thing would happen with this introverted dude.



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

11 Jul 2018, 8:00 am

Which ones personality do you like the most?



Tequila
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,897
Location: Lancashire, UK

11 Jul 2018, 8:31 am

Someone is a cheater...