It's 1 big "blag"

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For me I always found it to be a complete blag.

I'm not a bad looking guy which had it's advantages.... No chance of meeting women in person by chance due to symptoms, so online..... perfect.

What would happen is I was truthful about myself, but just wouldn't disclose stuff about Aspergers (Well I didn't know I had it at the time, just thought I had anxiety issues, and I didn't mention that). I had time to think of good responses behind a computer screen. Then came meeting up for a date.

Dates were always a big cover up. Typically involving alcohol. I would get to the date location early(always somewhere familiar to me), drink a few to calm the nerves and relax, then when they arrived say I was there early because I bumped into a friend in town that I hadn't seen in ages who convinced me to have a few beers with them...... Reality = I had and still have no friends. It makes them think I have friends though, which is a good thing.

Thanks to booze and the familiarity of them from the dating site (which could be months of chatting before meeting), I just about get through it and all is great.

The next 4 or 5 dates are much of the same.

Then they fall for me. I think I put on an act at the start and I read something yesterday which absolutely nails it for me........ At the start of a relationship, I am how I think I am meant to be. From reading about dates online, hearing about stuff etc. I buy them flowers, not because that's who I am but it's how I feel I must be. They then think i'm this awesome dream guy and fall for me more.

Slowly bit by bit my true Aspergers self comes through. Empathy? Understanding? Support? A struggle. 1 girl I was in a relationship with had to go to hospital for some sort of scan of her ankle. I didn't go with her. My logic? "It will cost me £5 to get a taxi to meet you outside the hospital. You have next week off work and i'm spending the entire week with you, so it's better me saving that £5 for then to spend on things we do when we are together".

She had to point that out to me after, how it wasn't cool and I struggled with fully understanding. My logic seemed 100% the best idea.

I always get told in relationships I never get it, never understand, don't care about them and that makes them feel rubbish.

Always, they get to a point of being sick of it and walking away.

Now my luck has changed. I certainly look a lot worse than I did when I started using dating sites to meet women. Health stuff has taken it's toll on me and nobody is interested in me on dating sites.

Which only leaves me with a trail of regret, upset and what if's.

Yep, I read an article about basically exactly this saying that some Aspies tend to "frontload" a relationship by being well-trained watching shows/reading online, but then have problems long term when they can't keep up the charade. It's probably unlikely that you will be able to change who you are super drastically at this point, but you can make some efforts if you feel like it would help. Personally, I'd say that maybe even though the amount of interest and successful dates you might get while being yourself and not completely faking it might be a lot less, maybe that's for the best, because they'd be more likely to work out long term? Unless your only goal was ever just to have short term relationships, which is understandable too.

Sorry about your health issues, Sam.

Yeah, this makes sense.

In my experience, all of human relations is charade.

NT’s have a habit of acting on their selfishness in such a way that they get what they want by giving others the same. It always comes back sooner or later, and they have a sense of investment that some of us lack.

I’m a Christian who believes God takes care of us, first and foremost, so what happened to me yesterday I believe is divine intervention.

But if it wasn’t, it’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about. I have always insisted on holding to a certain morality and ethic and holding my family to the same standard I hold myself. They are ok with that, and people are constantly saying positive things about my kids. We are polite. We listen to people and try as best we can to show concern for others. My wife is brilliant at this. Truly amazing woman. We never ask for money. We own our house and land. But money is always tight and we always look for clever ways of minimizing our bill paying. After sinking boatloads of money into central AC repairs and high summer electric bills and having power cut more than once, we decided to adapt to summer heat and forget about cooling.

We have other problems, too. We have consistently had poor luck with lawnmowers. By the time we get a machine working, the grass is impossibly high and it takes a month just to get it manageable, not to mention vines taking over the exterior of our house and shed.

This has been an ongoing struggle for the last 3-5 years. We never ask for anything, and we lived without a lot of things while just trying to be good people for our friends that we enjoy being around.

On Sunday, one of our friends dropped off a window unit AC. We installed it in our kids’ bedroom.

On Monday, ANOTHER friend dropped ANOTHER window unit. We installed it in OUR room so my wife could sleep better.

YESTERDAY, a THIRD friend TRIED to give us a THIRD AC and we had to refuse because, well, it’s starting to get to be a bit much! Nowhere to put it, and not enough money to run 3 units.

But that same friend saw a FB post my wife put up about the lawn and got together with another friend to cut it. An hour later, they show up with a tractor and reduced an all-day chore to, like, 45 minutes.

They won’t take money for it, either. None of it.

Now, WHAT they did isn’t the point. The point is everything you put into others will EVENTUALLY come back in dividends. You aren’t going to break even, so don’t take this as a promise of popularity and wealth. It just means you won’t have to worry so much about how your life works out because the same people you take care of will always be willing to take care of you.

It used to upset me that when I needed people, all I got was “aw, tough break. Wish I could help.” All I could do was keep casting a wide net and waiting for people to show up. So out of hundreds and hundreds of people THREE people actually came through. And you know? That’s enough for me, and I wasn’t asking nor did I expect it.

I think our problem, versus NTs, is we’re used to being totally autonomous and practical. Being kind and living a life of service has no immediate, perceivable benefit. There is only the HOPE of others coming to your rescue, and it can feel condescending when they do. There’s no use for this, so why bother? And we don’t stick with it long enough to reap any benefits. I got tired of begging after a while. I can live without AC. I can eventually get control over my yard, and I’ve done it before and will do it again. It takes a long, long time to get any kind of benefit from playing this nice, cuddly charade with people. It’s exhausting. But it can save your life when the time comes.

The charade...it’s tiring, but as with all things you adapt and it just becomes habit. Then it’s not so bad. It gets so close to genuine as to not really meaningfully resemble a charade anymore.

Back to the original point—dating and relationships are no different. I like that term “frontloading.” Accurate and appropriate. That’s exactly what it is and most people do this. People who succeed with others are so concerned for the benefit of others that they don’t really take much care of themselves. They know intrinsically and instinctively that other people will see to their needs in one form or another.

So when dating, this is exactly what you have to do. Yes, frontload your first impression. Once you settle into the relationship and she gets to see who you are when you don’t know she’s looking, make sure all she sees is someone who puts her concerns ahead of your own. In a LTR, the well-being if your partner is ultimately linked to your own since having this person in your life results in your own happiness. If your actions or lack thereof results in her unhappiness, you aren’t going to be happy for long. So...ultimately, the good you’re doing for her is really about you. If you care about yourself, you do best to put everyone else first. It doesn’t really make sense, but...like I said earlier about what happened to me this week, it will always come back.

I can see your problem but I don't think an ankle scan is one of those fundamental moments where you have to be there for them. Sounds like drama.

You could walk it. A fiver isn't far. Or take the bus.

Sorry, should have said it was more serious than an ankle scan, but didn't want to mention exactly what it was.

The taxi likely would have been a bit more than £5, but that was the thing with it. I can't remember the exact amount it would have been but it was 4 years ago. It was an early appointment for her, no busses were running and impossible to walk there as from where I lived at the time.

But yeah, a lot of guys would think they want to be there for their girlfriend, have that instant push to be there at all costs. My logic and thinking doesn't quite work like that.

The thing with never faking it as such seems it could be a losing battle. Based on my lack of social skills and being me (which never feels like the real me as symptoms overpower me), there's just no hope at all of meeting someone by chance in person. Eye contact is nearly impossible, especially when meeting new people.

Online, being myself more, like with saying about my health and that i'm in receipt of disability benefits will result in an even slimmer chance of success.

I will have to try and get used to being single, maybe something will change in future though.