He seemed nice, too.

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And he was attractive.

We hooked up a couple times, about a month apart. Then he sent a texted asking if I wanted to be his boyfriend. I replied pretty much right away and asked why we couldn't keep this fwb thing going as is. He didn't reply, and I was pretty sure it was because I'd offended him - however - couldn't be certain because he'd often not reply to texts for days at a time.

I consulted with a friend who would understand best and then decided I would send him a long text and explain that I've never been in a relationship in my life & can't allow it as I know the way that I am and that while I can treat my symptoms well enough to work or study, there is no cure and there are a million little things beyond my control that mean I can never prevent being a burden or embarrassment and thus have no choice but to choose a path of solitude & solo pursuits. I suggested that we could have a casual thing if he wanted, but understand if he never wants to see me again. I haven't heard from him and don't expect to.

There've been a few others recently I've met that I get the sense that they have a bit of a thing for me. So, I'll probably just text less and less with them and be "busy," or something until they lose any interest they might think they have.

I really don't like the feeling of having to do any of this, though. Kinda feels about as good as shooting a puppy in the face. Now I'm contemplating whether I should have some sort of "one time only," rule for hookups, and if so, wondering whether I should be upfront and transparent about it - or just treat things on a case by case basis. I know if I were to be ultra transparent about it I might limit the pool of people interested in a one time thing, even though most end up being a one time thing anyways. It's pretty rare that I find someone attractive enough that it bothers me to have to do this, so maybe I don't need to do anything differently and just accept that once in a blue moon I'll have to deal with having to temporarily hurt someone's feelings like this for the greater good that I don't ruin their life longer term.

Sometimes I think being of higher-ish intelligence & on the autism spectrum is a far greater burden to bear than being of lower-ish intelligence - as ignorance truly is bliss. If I weren't as smart as I am (and I'm not declaring myself a genius or anything; simply as above average intelligence.) then I might not realize just how unsuited I am to be in a relationship and might just do it anyways not knowing the harm & suffering I'd inflict upon someone else. But I can't unlearn what I have about ASD or myself, and knowledge is power.. and like Spider-Man's uncle Ben so famously said: "With great power comes great responsibility."

I hope I won't have to do it again, but I accept that I may & just hope that it becomes easier with time. Maybe with practice I'll be able to craft a message that conveys my forced position on the subject while minimizing any hurt feelings. Definitely not something I look forward to getting much practice on doing, though. Just one of those things in life that I have to do from time to time whether I like it or not. The only other realistic alternative is celibacy, but I'm not ready for that extreme measure. I'd sooner implement some sort of "one time only," rule, whether it meant being open and transparent about it, discussing it beforehand, or the much more selfish "ghosting," people after I've met them once. Hmmm, not entirely sure what my next right move about this should be yet, which is why this post is a bit of thinking out loud before I mull it over for a few weeks & then discuss it with the one acquaintance of mine I mentioned earlier that can best advise me on it further.

Thoughts/input? How would you best deal with this unintended consequence?

I do just have one question: Do you remain single in order to protect your potential partner or do you do it to protect yourself? Or is it both? Maybe one more than the other perhaps? (sorry more than 1 question, I guess)

Like, are you afraid you may meet someone you really like and you're together for a while and then that other person decides they just can't handle it anymore and leave, and you'll be devastated - so you just avoid it totally?

Personally I don't see anything wrong with just telling people you're not cut out for relationships and leaving it at that. As long as you're upfront with the other person, it's kind of up to them what they want to make of that and whether they even want that or not.

Them; although I'm not interested in being a burden or embarrassment to them, so in that sense I protect myself in the process.

I can handle pain & suffering. I've been doing it my entire life. What I can't handle is the thought of inflicting it on someone else.

I discussed that with my acquaintance to an extent, too. He suggested maybe I should just keep it super concise and say I'm not ready for a relationship, but I decided I'd rather be more transparent about that and disclose my diagnosis and the constraints it places on me because I didn't want my message to come across as a BS little white lie like so many "It's not you, it's me," sort of brush off dating rejections. I wanted him to truly know that it's me, not him.

Is this guy of "above average" intelligence, too?

What makes you not attracted to the guy? Is it because you don't feel quite comfortable with him when you converse?

I have no idea what his IQ is or isn't. We didn't take math tests together. We hooked up a couple times. I know what his first name and occupation is, that's about it.

I didn't say I wasn't attracted to him. He was attractive. But I don't Know him well enough to reject him based on who he is, I simply know myself well enough to know I don't want to subject anyone to a relationship with me. We didn't converse much - that wasn't the objective for either of us, so our conversations were pretty much limited to being about sex. (as it should be for a hookup/fwb - that's the whole point.)

Aw man....don't you want "something more?"

I can't be in a sexual relationship with somebody---unless I feel real esteem for that person.

To me, I might as well be masturbating if it's just about "getting your rocks off."

By the way, this is not a judgement. It's really not.

I Want to not be the way that I am. But, I am. So, I can't put any want of mine like that ahead of the health and well being of another person. I can't do that to anyone. So, "something more," takes on a different meaning entirely - I'll seek to make something more of myself and my life, do some good and all that. Certainly better than sitting around sulking about the things I cannot change, IMO.

I don't need that. At all. I simply need to see a photo or two & some info about sexual health and preferences, and then a split second to decide if I'm going to hookup with them or not. Fortunately for me I was born (or learned?) to view things this way and I'm able to get some enjoyment out of this part of life vs. none at all if I were to suffer from the mental block that I needed to be in a relationship in order to have sex.

No, being stupid is harder. Smart people can think of solutions to their problems. Stupid people can't.

What's worse is that stupid people have little control over their lives. To get anything they always have to ask someone else for something, be it social services, welfare, benefits from their employer, etc. Smart people are more likely to be either self-employed or at least given greater autonomy by their employers.

Smart people can shape their own destiny while stupid people are at the mercy of the winds.

"I'm not ready for a relationship" sounds insincere and potentially confusing - I think you're right not to go with that.

I'm sure you've thought about this (a lot) already but I may as well put it out there - are you certain that you can't be in a relationship, or are you only considering conventional ones? Obviously not that conventional as you are gay, but I mean as in the way a relationship "operates". I try to be really upfront with potential partners about what they can and can't expect in a relationship with me. E.g. I'll almost certainly never move in with them, I won't share finances etc. and most importantly I need a lot of alone time and have x y and z quirks. I can offer a relationship with someone only if they are okay with they way I do things and the way I am, and vice versa. I do my best to make sure a potential partner knows what they'd be getting into, and if they are okay with it, then them getting hurt due to things I'd warned them about isn't really my fault. They can take responsibility for it.

Is that a possibility for you at all?

No.

I am 100% responsible for myself & how the way that I am impacts others, and I can't allow myself to be that burden or embarrassment regardless of a disclaimer. I won't subject anyone to it. I couldn't justify it and have a clear conscious about it because someone said they were okay with subjecting themselves to the way that I am - it simply isn't in me to do that to anyone. Ever.

Hmm, some things a couple days ago led to some fear facing contemplations and the thoughts "What if I'm wrong? What if I made a mistake?" so, I chatted about them with the one acquaintance I have (and mentioned earlier in this thread) who'd best understand my thoughts on all of this.

Probably way passed too late to have a conversation with the one this thread was started about, as he likely assumes I am crazy and will never speak to me again - and that's okay. But it does make me wonder about the future.

I just know I am beyond f*****g terrified of being someone who's a burden or embarrassment to someone else, someone who brings someone else down & all that. I can't stand the thought of being that guy & prefer the comfort zone of being single instead.

My acquaintance had several things to say, but he also understands my position & concerns full well as they're not exactly baseless nor unfounded. Hmm.

What a crock of s**t.
What you may actually be doing is denying someone else happiness.
Not to mention yourself.

I may be oblivious to some of my symptoms in the moment, but I'm not oblivious to the fact that they do occur. I don't need someone else to tell me they're a burden or embarrassment, but I have had the good fortunate that the acquaintance I reference has been very open, honest, and transparent in his criticisms of me in the past, so, I do Know these things affect others and I'm Not interested in affecting someone else negatively like that. FTR, the acquaintance I reference is the beautiful creature I went on several dates with over a couple month period at the end of 2016 - and one of his brothers is autistic so he has more than just my behaviours as a frame of reference to understand ASD. This is why he is the best suited person in my life to have these conversations with.

Not wanting to bring harm to someone's life isn't exactly equatable with denying someone else happiness, IMO.

I at least get happiness from other things besides a relationship I've never had. Things like sex, sports/exercise, the beach, friends, family, kids in my life, work/studies etc.

^ are you abusive?

Does abuse have to be intentional?

Are ASD symptoms beyond one's control that make one a burden or an embarrassment not a form of abuse towards someone else if you're aware that this is not only possible but probable?

If you're perfect, how does that give the partner any chance to grow as a person?
I've been through some heavy s**t with my partner, he's been through some heavy s**t with me and neither would of us would take back one moment if it because it's made us so f*****g strong you have no idea.

Piss off with your pansy self sacrifice and grow a pair.