Finding it difficult to move on without closure

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Hello everyone first post so please be gentle.
Ive suffered with recurring depression all of my adult life (38 now) its recently come to light that im likely to have aspergers syndrome. Started off with people joking about it, but too many people for it to be a co incidence, ive took various online tests (not sure how reliable they are) and done a lot of reading up and can relate to nearly all of the traits. Ive been referred for a formal diagnosis.
Anyway i recently had an 11 month relationship with a girl and we were very close and were making plans for the future. We adored each other and very rarely argued. It was a nice relationship. For some reason which i still dont understand, i backed off and avoided/neglected the relationship towards the last five weeks. Woukd make the effort made excuses etc. She then ended it (approx 5 months ago) ever since she has been a total stranger been cold or ignored some of my messages, which were not abusive. When i ask her what went wrong she just said it wasnt working. I found the break up very tough and a friend said i need closure, a full conversation with her and some clarity. I have tried to initiate this but she just wont do it, only over whats app, which i refused as its less pesonal.
I accept i probably ruined the relationship towards the end but nothing really bad happened and im finding it tough that i could be so close to someone and then this. Just looking for some advice and to know if this is in anyway an asperger trait or if anyone has experienced the same. Thank you. Michael

Good luck in your Asperger's evaluation.

I'm sorry she's not responding to you.

But it would benefit you if you would say "thanks for the memories" to yourself, and move on from her--unless she contacts you.

When I have a bad relationship (after some time), I tend to think of it as a "learning experience."

Perhaps she was having a hard time dealing with some of your Aspie issues, lots of NTs(non Aspies) do & your neglecting the realtionship towards the end was the final straw. You can only get closure from her if she's willing to communicate it with you & she may be upset & frustrated about things & want to move on instead of communicating with you. Unless your willing to use whats app, there isn't much you can do & I'd advise avoid talking to her otherwise since she doesn't wanna talk with you & you don't wanna get in trouble for harassment or anything.

11 months good, rough patch last 5 weeks...sounds like you got yourself a cheater. Or if not, you got someone keeping some boys on the sidelines. Hopefully I’m wrong, but...

Let’s talk about closure. Here’s the thing with closure: 1, it’s overrated. 2, you’re not gonna get it anyway. She dumped you. She’s going “no-contact” on you. Doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Doesn’t matter what you did wrong. Whether it was a gunshot to the head, AIDS, cancer, kidnapped by Norwegian terrorists, joined a cult, joined a convent, doing humanitarian work in the Congo, abducted by aliens, 5150’d, or gone to prison, she’s GONE. For whatever reason, she’s taken herself out of the equation. Knowing the reasons why doesn’t change that, and having a 36-hour discussion is not going to bring you closure or help you accept it more easily.

Here’s my breakup formula: take her somewhere meaningful/special to both of you (as a couple). No matter how bad the fights have been, no matter what’s going on between you, make it absolutely the best day you can. Plan a full day. Then you sit down somewhere, maybe have some ice cream. Talk about all the good things you had together as a couple. And then hit her with “I know you’ve got a lot going on right now and maybe this just isn’t the right time. I think we should just be friends.” Expect tears, screaming, etc., or even nothing at all. Be there and give comfort as best you can. But once the sun sets, it’s over. You take her back to her place, walk her to the door, final kiss (on the cheek), arm-over-the-shoulder hug, and it’s OVER. Done.

Does that give her closure? No. It’s just that’s the nicest anyone can be about a breakup. I rarely see anyone on WP handle breakups with any finesse at all. Most of the time it’s rip-off-the-bandaid style, and I think that’s just tacky. It robs the person being hurt of their value as a person. Breakups SUCK enough as is. Don’t make it worse than it has to be. Make ONE good memory at the end and leave it there. There’s no closure. But that’s as close to it as anyone will get.

Anyway...

Yeah, I feel you were robbed of something, and I understand all too well what that’s like.

Take 3-4 weeks. Keep yourself isolated from a lot of unnecessary social interaction. Interact with people only when you have to, but don’t casually deal with MOOS. After a month has passed, start picking things up, get out there more, and ask any girl out for whatever she finds interesting. Maybe there was a girl you thought you might like to go out with last year and things just kinda happened. Give her a chance and see what happens.

Above all, hang in there. We’re cheering for you!

Thank you you're comments resonate with me. I believe im learning what went wrong and towards the end i was a terrible communicator.i just made excuses and didnt go to hers. I used to spend whole weekends at her place and just long to be on my own for a while( have my own place) on research it seems a common thing for aspies to become exhausted in this way, but i coudnt understand it. She would drop hints about not seeing me and tried really hard towards the end, and i didnt see the hints or possible hurt i was causing. Again on research maybe i needed it spelling out.as i dont like hurting others but couldnt see it. I suppose the closure im looking for is to explain myself and hear her side as we never really talked. Ive been quite disciplined, not phoned or did anything stupid llike turning up at places. Sent the odd WhatsApp message but maybe once a week and been respectful. Just wish i could start again with the bits of self knowledge im picking up as all of the other ingredients seemed right. Thanks again any more insight welcome. Michael

I'd suggest taking what you can learn from this relationship and applying it to the next girl.

I'm sorry this happened to you

Thank you for you're kind words. The problem is that it wasnt a particularly bad relationship and we were very close, and thats what almost makes it harder to deal with. Ive had the car crash relationships the fighting and verbal abuse, and if that makes any sense that was easiertodeal with. This was all so nicely done, which in a strange way makes it harder to accept. Thanks. Michael

Thank you and i hate to be negative but im not sure its possible to have a relationship again. Who would want someone with a brain wired like that surely people would run a mile. Its a huge discovery for me and i may have to accept limitations. Thanks. Michael

Your "need" for closure is trumped by the lady's need not to waste any more time and feeling on you. They have therapists for this kind of thing.

She dumped you because you were distancing ... possibly even thought you were dumping her. This is a lesson you can learn.

Don't think you can never have a relationship because you have ASD. Plenty of us do. It takes trial and error and lots of effort but it's worth it.

I kinda go the opposite direction than you Mm80. I become needy & clingy as the realtionship gets serious & it cost me my 1st two relationships. Things are better in my current realtionship but part of it is because I got on anxiety & OCD medication when my 2nd ended & it also helps that my current is kinda needy & clingy too. Anyways... don't write off having another realtionship. It may help to find someone who needs a bit of space & alone time away from their partner, like someone more independent who likes doing her own things. It probably would also help if you try to work on yourself some too. See what happens after your Aspergers assessment & then learn about Aspergers or whatever else you have. Being in a support group for those things weather offline or online(like this forum) could help too.

[quote="BeaArthur"]Your "need" for closure is trumped by the lady's need not to waste any more time and feeling on you. They have therapists for this kind of thing.

She dumped you because you were distancing ... possibly even thought you were dumping her. This is a lesson you can learn.

Don't think you can never have a relationship because you have ASD. Plenty of us do. It takes trial and error and lots of effort but it's worth it.[/quote
thank you for you're reply. Its strange you say thart she thought i was dumping her as she said she felt i didnt want to be around her towards the end. Id like to understand the distancing thing so that i dont do it again. Like i said the relationship was very nice and intimate.until tge very end I fellt that maybe she was hurt by my distancing and would have liked to explain some things and apologise. She was willing to chat but not face to face. Which i saw necesssary.. she never seemed the type to be harsh enough to cut somone out so abruptly so maybe she has ignored it all and moved on. I was just saying that im struggling with that. Thanks. Michael