How to make compromises from AS and NT side

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Hello everybody, i am new to this forum and for the first time using this kind of channel for reaching out to people with AS and those who are in a AS/NT relationship. I need some help and advice on how to handle this relationship. I am desperate and hurt.
My bf was diagnosed with HFA/AS last year. Professionals say he might have a bipolar disorder as well. After a long depression caused by 1. Unhappiness in his Master degree program, 2. Death of father, 3. The stress and discussions with me when his intention was to break up. After getting the AS diagnosis, he felt like we were not a match (coz me not doing enough active research on this topic to try to understand him). It was not over yet. And I couldn't let him go. Things calmed down when I came back after 7 months abroad. We were happy to reunite again. (Actually my leave caused him a meltdown and let out all his hidden features.) But things got worse slowly and reaches its highlight now. All of the sudden he became megalomaniac (his words), has an incredible drive to build his own start-up and doing many other things at the same time. He often emphasize how intelligent he is and that he is a brilliant mind. He often repeats that he wants so save the world. He compares himself to Steve Jobs or Elon Musk or any other big brain who could make a change in the world. I don’t have a problem with that but the way he sees other people, respectively NTs, including me hurts; calling us stupid and irrational and therefore not able to move things in the world.
He is not understanding and accepting me for who I am but expects me to tolerate him. Expecting me to change my flaws and fully adjusting to him. He is not willing to make any compromises because he is not willing to change for anybody anymore. All his life he had been bending himself to somehow fit into this world, where 95% are “NT idiots” (his words) who expect AS to adjust to them. For him it’s a game/war in a simulation between AS and NT. Instead of trying to make a move forward to build an understanding and supportive bridge to reach me, he is tired of adjusting. He says he feels free now, acts according to the motto “f**k everyone”.
I know people with AS have a hard time to be understanding on an emotional level. But is it too much to ask at least make a try to understand me better? It is also hard for me… but then he calls me selfish and intolerant when expressing my wishes. I am ready to adjust myself but at the same time feel its gonna be a one-sided partnership from there on....
For him emotional intelligence is irrational, useless and doesn’t give him any benefits. I feel like he is not appreciating our relationship or me. It probably doesn’t bother him whether or not I am there. He tells me that he is better off without me as I am causing him too much pain just because we get into discussion where I try to understand him. He gets offended. He constantly accuses me I should have known better if I had gotten into this topic more deeply. Tells me to get the f**k out. I am shocked and utterly hurt. He has never treated me this bad before. It’s like he is not accepting any mistakes from my side regarding him. I actually feel scared to say anything and really have to choose my words wisely because he might get it wrong. I kind of feel abused by his words that lowers my self-esteem and leaving me depressed.
Many of his traits call out for AS but having decent respect is too much to ask for? Is it okay for him to justify this behavior with AS?
It takes two in a relationship to make it work but he doesn’t sincerely give a damn. Am I asking for the impossible from someone with HFA? Is this relationship to be doomed and should i let it go? I feel torn because he do has positive traits such as his rational honesty and fidelity. And his thoughtfulness when making little gifts (well I am afraid he will no longer pay attention to me because he wants to save the world and I would rather hinder him)

I feel useless...


(sorry for the long text, i am looking forward to read your point of view)

I'd start out by pointing out that every Aspie is different. And that the unevenness of our intelligence makes predictions hard.

That said, I'd guess that he is unlikely to change. He is what he is.

I had successful AS/NT relationship, but my partner passed away several years ago. We both did things to make the relationship work.

He...acts according to the motto “f**k everyone”.
It is also hard for me… but then he calls me selfish and intolerant...its gonna be a one-sided partnership from there on....
For him emotional intelligence is irrational, useless and doesn’t give him any benefits. I feel like he is not appreciating our relationship or me. It probably doesn’t bother him whether or not I am there. He tells me that he is better off without me...He gets offended. He constantly accuses me I should have known better if I had gotten into this topic more deeply... I am shocked and utterly hurt. He has never treated me this bad before. It’s like he is not accepting any mistakes from my side regarding him. I actually feel scared to say anything and really have to choose my words wisely because he might get it wrong. I kind of feel abused by his words that lowers my self-esteem and leaving me depressed."

"It takes two in a relationship to make it work but he doesn’t sincerely give a damn.
Tells me to get the f**k out."

As hard as it may be, I think that, for the sake of your own happiness and well-being, that you should take him at his word. You deserve so much better, and his egocentric and emotionally abusive behavior has conclusively demonstrated that he doesn't deserve you.

It's time to step into the lifeboat, and lower away.

May peace be with you.

Oh boy, just walk away from this guy. He has absolutely zero redeeming qualities.

He may think he's brilliant but he'll likely find out that he will get nowhere because of his social deficiency.

Let him flail around and sink his own ship, there's no reason to allow yourself to be brought down with him.

That is a very one-sided realtionship. You are the only one who cares & is trying to make the realtionship work. You can not maintain a relationship like that for very long without feeling completely awful. I really think it's best for you if you leave him. That said there are plenty of Aspie/NT relationships & lots are much better than this one. Both partners should be doing their best to compromise & understand each other & should both be putting in effort to make the realtionship work & they should both want it to work.

In my opinion as an autistic man; no, I don't think it's OK to do that at all, and I hate that some autistic people can give the rest of us a bad reputation by being so rotten.

If he were making a genuine attempt to work things out, but because of his traits was finding that very difficult, I would have some sympathy for him. But he is not willing to even try, as he considers it beneath him, which I think is unacceptable. Autistic people sometimes really do need compromises from the people around them, but that isn't a licence to have everything our own way all of the time. I realise that the self-confessed megalomania could be caused by a manic episode if he is also bipolar; but even in that case, it is on him to acknowledge that it's damaging your relationship and at the very least to make some effort to get professional help if he wants to show any consideration for you.

You deserve a happy relationship every bit as much as he does, and I think you should strongly consider getting out before you get hurt any more than you already have been. If he tries to blame you for any subsequent descent into depression, do not get sucked in! That would just be emotional blackmail, and after you have tried so hard to be considerate, not something you should feel guilty about in the slightest.

I am not sure I can help you but I will try and give you some perspective.

Aspies (HFA) suffer from a great deal of stress. It is almost our middle name. Stress accumulates in our body and can lead to distress. Leaving your boyfriend for 7 months was interpreted by him as a sign of betrayal. Aspies tend to have few friends and losing you meant a great deal to him. In a way you might have been "the last straw that broke the camel's back".

In a successful relationship, such as marriage, two souls combine to form one. The combination is stronger than one soul. Both partners need to protect each others back. There is a lot of trust involved. So he perceives that trust has been broken. But in a relationship both partners compromise. But compromise is really the wrong word, they join to form an unbreakable bond, using the strengths of one to protect the weaknesses of the other. They are the best of two people.

I am an Aspie married to an NT. I have been married for 45 years and we have a very successful marriage. But it is more than that. I am an extreme introvert and my wife is an extreme extrovert. We are in a sense polar opposites. We are both "stubborn as hell". But we fit together quite well because we compliment each other. My primary weakness is social interactions and I completely turn over this aspect over to my wife. She is my guide. I trust her judgement in this area completely.

Aspies have many redeeming qualities, they tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends. They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest.

So if you care about your boyfriend, you might compose a letter and lay it all out. If you care for him, then say it. If he is hurting you, then say it. Talk about why you are attracted to him - what he does to bring joy into your life. What his special skills are. Then talk about yourself. How you could compliment him. If he is hurting you that is not right. He needs to know that he is hurting you (in black and white terms). A relationship is not grounded in hurting your partner. But he may not have the social intuitiveness to realize that he is about to lose you and lose you forever. So spell it out for him.

[p.s. I suspect that megalomaniac may be the wrong term to use. He may be trying to become a non-conformist.]

I don't want to detail this thread too much but for some reason those types of Aspies seem to be the 1s most likely in a relationship. Lots of us struggle to find a partner but the Aspies who seem most likely to be in a relationship are the 1s who treat their partners like total sh!t. They make the rest of us Aspies look bad. When NT women are going on about how women need to run from Aspies & how Aspies are not fir for relationships; they are thinking of Aspies like this & painting all of us by the same brush. I seriously don't get why the hell those Aspie are the 1s who get relationships when they apparently don't even want to be in one while there's plenty of Aspies who would put their partners on pedestals or at least try their best to(like me) & the ladder are the 1s who struggle to get partners(I sure as hell did).

I made a more in-depth response in a different thread, so I apologize if this is too much repeating myself. I'm going through a bit of an egoist phase right now. It's a lot of self-reflection and looking at all the ways I've been hurt in the past, asking "What happened?", and charting a new course for my life that I hope will be more productive. It looks to me like this guy has some similar views as I do, but I'm afraid the direction he's taking it is not a healthy one for you. This might be compounded by some of the mental issues he's facing. I'm going to set that aside for now and focus more on how he's treated you. The short answer on mental illness is this: You can't get rid of crazy. People who have issues like that are difficult to distance yourself from and (I'm sorry, y'all) best avoided entirely. You'll tend to get stuck with them. So if those are things you feel you didn't sign up for, it's best to leave and leave quickly. Over the course of a relationship, particularly marriage, mental illness is a risk in the long-term. If that's the case, I believe in treating those you love with compassion. Too many people miss what is happening with their partner and simply abandon them. I would never treat my wife that way. Absolute worst case scenario I'd lock her up in a psych ward. But I am still her husband and would make every effort to let her know I still believe in her. We've discussed how bad things would have to get for me to consider divorce an option--but I'd never pursue another woman ever again, and that has nothing to do with mental illness.

Anyway--the rest is where I am on the whole "f@¢k the world" thing, because I'm really struggling with some things in my professional life right now and find myself leaning that way (just a little).

The Objectivist is not averse to love. Rather, he (or she) takes selfish pleasure in the company of loved ones. This is because that person's company and well-being are values that one holds. I don't mean to offend anyone, but if you really want a good insight into a man's self-esteem, look at the women he dates or the woman he marries. I saw in my wife a woman who was strong and who could be my equal. She'd been with a weak-minded, negative, abusive parasite for some time, and this beautiful, smart, and funny woman had gotten pushed down so far someone else might have thought it would take a miracle for her to become the kind of person she is now. I wasn't much of a winner myself, to be honest, but I saw in her someone who'd been where I'd been and who could become everything I wanted to be myself. We share the same values, and I think we make a great couple.

There is a fine line between being selfish and being greedy. Selfishness is a common trait derived from human nature. It is not a bad thing in and of itself. All it means is you value your own life enough to take care of yourself--your basic needs first and foremost, and enjoying the comfort and freedom of surplus. You have the luxury of generosity and collaborating with likeminded individuals working towards mutually beneficial goals.

Being greedy is what most people mean by "selfish." Greed is evil because it demands other people exist for the sake of the individual. It's wrong to exist for someone else for their own sake. But if you willingly live for someone because they are valuable to you for whatever reason, that is entirely a decision you choose to make. Greed doesn't rest with someone doing good things out of love for someone else. Greed DEMANDS, without regard to will, that one live for the sake of the other. There's no return on the good that one does for another. It's a mentality that uses another person until that person is used up.

This is the issue you're dealing with. You're dealing with an egoist who is not merely selfish. This person is struggling with greed. He wants you like he wants an expensive piece of furniture. He looks at the world without any values. He demands something from you that you shouldn't feel obligated to give. He demands you give him value while giving you nothing of value in return. He demands your love, unconditional, free-of-charge, unearned, undeserved, and has no compunction to offer you love in return.

I'm not any kind of philosophical purist by any stretch of the imagination, but I do like to look at things like "love" in concrete, tangible terms. We all know what we think love FEELS like. We don't often question what it LOOKS like. I've always preferred to define "love" in objective, tangible terms. What does love DO? If love isn't love-in-action, it's not love at all. If you can't SEE love, it's not there. Values require ACTION. If you have value, if he values you the same way he might, say, value a prized vintage automobile, he would care for you the same way he might keep that car in the garage, waxed, with the best oil and fuel, and only running miles up on weekends instead of destroying its value by taking it to work every day. If a woman is a man's most prized possession, you would see every effort made to see that she's happy and every need provided for, with enough time and space to be with her friends, with a dozen roses at work on random days "just because," etc. She would be given dignity and respect due any rare treasure he might own, whatever appropriate form that might take.

Reading your posts, I don't see love. I don't see that you have any real value to him. If I own something that has lost its value to me, I throw it in the garbage. And I suspect that if I made my wife feel she had no value to me, she'd do the most generous thing she could and save me the trouble.

Possessing no value to someone, lacking in love in any objective, tangible form, is a dangerous place to be in a relationship. He can do anything he wants to you. He doesn't understand that your well-being ultimately benefits his own. To behave in such a way to harm someone is to behave in such a way to ultimately harm himself. To harm yourself is a reflection on your self-esteem. If you cannot love yourself, you cannot possibly love another person. Do you feel safe being with someone who has no real concern for his own safety and well-being?

My greatest fear as a human being is not that she might be mentally abusive to me. It's not that she might be physically abusive to me. I don't fear those things because, whilst unpleasant and unwanted, those actions are SOMETHING. They are a message that I haven't escaped her attention. Violence and abuse are an acknowledgement of the presence and importance of the one being abused. Sure, I'd protect myself. I wouldn't simply tolerate the behavior. But I value ACTION because of its tangible nature. It lets me know I still exist in her world. It lets me know that there is some issue that can be dealt with on some level. Violence and other forms of abuse are not what I fear the most; they don't signal to me that the relationship is over beyond repair. My greatest fear in my marriage is my wife would neglect or abandon me. And I'll do whatever it takes to let her know how important she is. When she benefits from the good I do for her, I benefit as well.

Greedy people only value one thing: MORE. There's never enough. And it's dangerous to you if you try to fulfill that desire.

If you have no value to this person, you owe this person nothing. You may value this person on some level, which is why you're still with him, but you are giving this person value without REASON. You are putting yourself in harm's way. He might not beat you, and he might not necessarily verbally or emotionally abuse you (though you have indicated that he does this to some degree). But at BEST he will neglect you.

I think you know what is best for both of you right now. Maybe you need time to think about it. Maybe you need a game plan, or an exit plan. Maybe he's given you reason to fear worse things if you try to leave. I don't fully know your situation. But there's nothing more that can be accomplished. You've gone as far as you can. There's nothing left. It's time to let go.

Thanks for taking your time to reply to my long story!
I really had hope for us despite the negative stories of nt/as relationships i saw in many other forums, blogs. And it helped a lot to hear it from other Aspies, that there is hope...
But I know, he as an AS is different from another AS person.

It has been tough days and all your insights and different points of view helped me to reflect everything for my own perspective.
It was a hard decision and took a lot of tears and strenght to let him go now. He literally said that he doesnt have time for a relationship now, he is not happy at the moment and that we will never be happy together or even able to live together because there will always be one that gets hurt. These clear words hit me and I cannot force him to be with me now when he doesnt want to fight for us or make time for us... at least now he has all the time he wants to focus on his interests...( though I still find it a shame that he wasnt honest with me that he needs more time alone and that its a "violation" of our contract. When we got together we made a some kind of light contract for our relationship just for fun (at that time we both didnt know about his diagnosis but he loved that idea!) where 1§ is to give each other the freedom that one need. In the end he told me that he of course..tried to adjust to me...its really difficult to understand his behaviour and line of argumentation when i am gave my best to make him happy)

There is so much pain in me to hear this from someone that I thought we would spend our future together. But I cannot live and oppress the pain that he causes or will cause in the future and for what he is not even able to understand or is conscious about. And i know somehow i should not blame him because he is not doing it intentionally due to the autism, or at least i tell this myself so its not so hurtful.. Now that he can be and show who he truly is, he blames me for being ignorant and self-seeking because i dont accept him for who he is now and wont live on his conditions? Is this justified? Am I really an ignorant person? because i cant handle the pain he causes me that i want to avoid?
He said that during our 1,5 years relationship he ALWAYS had to "adjust to me" and based his depression on our relationship and me. I dont understand this. I was always there for him when he needed me. He mostly came over spontaneously, I adjusted my time and I always welcome him with open arms. I listen to everything he tells me, about his special interests, his nightmares, everything...if he wants to go here and there it was him who initiated all and i was down with it.
But when its me who tells him about my nightmares he sees it as a wasted time to listen to.
Or blaming me now that he didnt want to be honest and start a discussion with my roommate because it might be embarrassing for me and would cause future discussions and a bad atmosphere with my roommate when he wants to visit me. I mean...its all in his head right? I never try to make him shut his mouth or forbid him or tell him to interact with others in a special way... He was just not honest to himself...

I have the feeling that its really just a phase of "I create the world, how I want it to be” All others should adjust and change so he doenst have to. But in my opinion, also relating to his social business (such irony), he will not come as far as he wants when he doesnt want to listen to others or making compromises. In the end I am happy for him that he found an occupation that he is willing to fight for and bring it forward, deeply I wished he would have the same drive for us too.. vain endeavour..

I started to analyzing our relationship and against the background of autism trying to be objective to understand all without being hurt. I dont want to be dragged down by him,trying to keep my head high and be strong. After all he has done bad and good to me, he still means something to me and i cannot completely cancel him out of my life. Therefore i suggested to maintain a friendship. This way I can distance myself emotionally. Its probably the best because I dont want to hate him or be a bad person. I know he doesnt deserve me but looking back now I am strong enough to say i forgive him...

Rest in the peace of knowing your decision was the right one. I know this won't be easy, but just take it day by day. Healing takes time. I'll write more about the next step later on as I have time. The last 3 weeks have been really hard on me, and hopefully things will ease up soon.

Being objective about it is the key. You will find it easier that way.

The only other thing I have to say is regarding moving forward. When it comes to relationships, you must understand that you cannot be expected to live for someone else for their own sake. You must decide whether your time, energy, and life are worth the person you're with. Likewise, you cannot expect another person to live for you. They have to make the choice as to your value to them, and they will likewise give you their love accordingly. If there's nothing in it for you BOTH, you cannot have a meaningful relationship. Above all else, whether you are IAR or single-and-looking, BE HAPPY!! ! Let no one steal joy from your life.

I'm very sorry you are having to go through this. It may take some time to understand it, but things will begin to be better from now on. For now, get some rest.