DevilMayAsian wrote:
Her therapist never really...
With all due respect to those who genuinely need a therapist or counselor, and I probably should start seeing one myself, it's been my experience that people in counseling or therapy have issues that make being in a relationship problematic. Granted, I don't have all the information, but I highly suspect that the issue is more with her than it is with you.
Funny story, or at least I think it's funny-- Because of some problems my wife experienced way back in the day, she began getting counseling. When she flunked out of the program she was in, she switched to psychology. Oddly enough, she only has slightly more credit hours in psych than I do (I was an education major). She and her counselor became good friends outside the office. She eventually introduced us and it seemed like we all got along very well for a while.
So I was well aware that her counselor knew EVERYTHING. So when we were, ahem, "between relationships," no doubt her counselor took a negative view of me. And that was really embarrassing for me, too, because now I have to live knowing someone else out there knows all MY personal business, too. And yes, she did express her opinions of me, and yes, my wife did tell me about it.
The years pass...
As it turns out, the counselor wasn't so hot with relationships herself. She eventually got a divorce. My wife and I would still take our children and spend weekends with her and her kids a couple of times a year. It was fun.
Remember how I said I have a bit of schooling in psychology?
Well, her kids had already gone to bed, and my wife was getting our kids settled down for the night, which left me and the counselor alone in the living room with what was left of our wine. I did my usual thing by asking her some pointed questions, trying to dig a little into what areas of psych she was into at the moment. That's how it started, which is always how it starts. After making her chase rabbits for a few minutes, I had her spilling her guts to me. I didn't say much, I just listened. It's a tactic I use any time I interact with people, but taken to a different level it's a common counseling tactic. Counselors and therapists are aware that we already have the solutions to our own problems. They could just solve our problems for us as objective 3rd parties. But they know that just saying it isn't as impactful as it is coming from us. So once we hit on what the solution really is, they respond affirmatively. Not in an obvious "that's it!" kind of way, but more like "that might be a good idea. Why don't you try that, and we'll talk about it next week?"
They just sit and let you talk about, well, really, nothing at all. They don't keep regular clients by actually solving anything.
But after half an hour and half a glass later, it dawned on her what was happening. I was enjoying myself, and after she realized what she was doing, she decided she didn't really care. This went on for, like, two hours. She finally decided she needed some sleep, so I told her I enjoyed our chat, smiled at her, and said good night.
Later the next morning while I was preoccupied with something, she told my wife that she thought I'd been flirting with her!! ! Ummm...how did I do that when I barely spoke two simple sentences the whole time? It was funny to me.
But it was also revealing. Therapists and counselors can sometimes be in greater need of their own services as their clients. They are certainly at risk of being just as neurotic. I think you have to be a little bit crazy to do their job.
You're ex is probably right where she needs to be. I would advise you and pretty much anyone in a LTR to be wary of "relationship counselors/therapists," formerly known as "marriage counselors." I have noticed that women especially are quick to run to them for help while men, perhaps under social pressure or something, tend to avoid doing that. What I've noticed is that counselors invariably side with women, and I'm not all convinced it's just because women take the initiative here. The only useful purpose it really serves is to make a show of making a last ditch attempt at saving the relationship. Her mind is already made up. The role of therapist is really of final link in the chain. When the marriage falls apart, the woman can't be said to make no effort. She gets to look good, the husband gets to look like a jerk, and she walks away justified. If my wife, hypothetically, were to insist on marriage counseling, I'd agree only if I got to pick the therapist. To do so would mean she's effectively placing her own life in my hands and trusting me to pick someone impartial. That tells me she really wants things to work out. If she insisted on HER person, that tells me she already knows what she wants to do and that it's time to gear up for a fight.
And I think you see exactly what I'm talking about. Her therapist is her guard dog. It's sad she feels the need to sick her dog on you, but that's what's happened. The best you can do for your own well-being is comply and put it all behind you. Sounds to me like you already know that. So stay the course and it will eventually right itself.
Hang in there.
14 Nov 2018, 8:43 pm
Heh. My ex continued to entertain our mutual "friends" until I moved out of the country and stopped having contact with any of them. Then she dropped them, too. She only wanted to keep those people around as long as they provided her with intelligence on what I said, what I did, who I was with, and so forth.
