Moving in together with an Asperger's girlfriend

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Hello everyone, first post here!

I was hoping some of you might ahve some experience/advice regarding the problem of moving in together.

For a little bit of background, my girlfriend and I 8straight dude) met a bit over 3 years ago online. We've been in a long distance relationship since then, with a few longer (1 week - 1 month) periods of living together. Everything was great, it was pretty much the perfect relationships. No fights, no nastiness, lots of talking and laughing, being 100% comfortable with each other.

Then, about 7 months ago now, she finally moved in with me for a pre-planned time of 6 months. She got a job where I live (neighboring country for her, about 7h by car away from home) and we figured we started the rest of ur lives. The living together didn't go so well, though there were lots of confounding factors. We lived in a small-ish 1 bedroom flat with 2 cats, both of us worked long hours around other people (both scientists) and were under a lot of stress. We were both sleeping really badly this whole time, she had tons and tons of bureaucratic issues at work, didn't start getting paid until AFTER the 6 months were over and to top it all off, she was diagnosed with severe vitamin B-12 defficiency and had to get vitamin injections.

Once the 6 months were done, she moved back to her country to start a new job as planned. However, when we talked about the future, we both came to the realization that living together was not very good. She needed time alone and couldn't get it. I often felt unappreciated, doing most of the housework.

This realization really crushed us both. Before, we were certain we'd eventually get married, get a house, all the cheesy stuff. Now, we are no longer sure that's possible. The uncertainty hit us almost as bad as a breakup. She *wants* to live together, but isn't sure she can do it.

Are we reading too much into this? Does anyone have experience with moving in with their Asperger partners? Can it work out? If we try again, what steps can we take to make it work better? How can I ensure she has her space?

Any suggestions welcome!

She needs somewhere in the house she can go and close a door and not be bothered. That includes going to look for her and ask if she's okay.....bad idea. Leave her alone and she'll rejoin you when ready. That's pretty much it.

That was the plan, but we're worried it won't be enough. She was annoyed by the presence of her family while living at home, even when she had her own room. Though to be fair, this was a luxury we didn't have in my little flat. We'll need to test it on a different scale when we can.

We're both determined not to let the relationship go though.

I would work out in the garden when I got home for alone time. After I was diagnosed I'd plan some sort of all day outing every weekend for together time.

Me & my current girlfriend are both on the spectrum & have been living together for 6 years after being long distance for half a year. We're both kind of different than the stereotyped Aspies within relationships thou, we are very affectionate with each other & love spending time with each other. We got a two bedroom place so we'd each have a room to be in when one of us wants alone time. We do sleep together thou in her room. I spend time on computer when I'm not with her & we sometimes have different sleep schedules so having the comp in my room is a good idea. She plays video-games a lot down stairs when I'm sleeping or on my comp. We do have a lot of fights sometimes cuz we're both disabled & have various mental & physical issues we're dealing with but we're both committed to being with each other & trying to work things out. We would be married by now but it would screw up her benefits & we have a lot of debt.

I'm pretty sure I'm not on the spectrum, just old fashioned anti-social. She was diagnosed when she was a kid, though.
She generally dislikes phsical content, but loves it with me, so that's nice. Can't really sleep in the same bed though, it makes us both sleep terribly, + she's a night owl (say sleep from 2am-10am) and I'm an early bird (10pm - 5pm), so I assume that was another factor that made living in a one bedroom flat so rough.

The more I read, the more I see how we took literally zero precautions when we first moved in...

I think we underestimated the Asperger's, it wasn't very obvious while we were long distance but it really came out while living together.

Thanks for the replies!

I just started living independently a couple of years ago, and I started learning stuff about myself and the stuff I need to de-stress.

Maybe she hasn't had that opportunity to learn about herself and what she needs to relax. General living at home with AS can be quite regimented for some and very fluid for others, so maybe you guys can have a sit down and think of ways that she can relax, by herself or with you depending on what she feels like she needs. You should think about yourself too because it can be quite stressful living with someone with AS, my housemates get annoyed at my little quirks sometimes and after a while it can be tough if you don't deal with it.

In terms of your relationship, I (and I mean I) would definitely not judge your compatibility based on that 6 month run. It sounds like it was crazy, even more so for someone with AS, so I wouldn't worry too much because the rest of your life isn't going to be like that 6 months. You guys can just sit down and think about precautions and methods of dealing with stuff like that and then maybe give it another go if you want.

It sounds like you've got something great together, don't forget that

Thanks! We'll absolutely do everything we can to make it work. We're both starting therapy soon (heck, we'd need that just for the burnout) and we hope it'll help.

My mate's NT, but most of these problems are simply the human condition, but for ASD folks, only more so.
What helps me immensely is that she speaks her mind clearly and unequivocally; no guesswork or mind-reading involved. She is also acutely aware that I don't multi-task well (actually, at all). I have my own 'system', and she (usually) respects that. We're both aware that I can be somewhat obsessive with my interests and projects, and can be quite set-in-my-ways. Upon reflection, my rigidity is nothing more meaningful or important than mere habituation. I have to work at being more flexible and tolerant of other ways of doing things; "There's more than one way to skin a cat"; I only know one; she knows five.
Mostly, we talk; and more importantly, listen. We do frequent 'reality checks'; "How are you?" "How am I?" "How are we?". When in doubt, we ask reflective questions; "What I hear you saying is..." "Do you mean...?" She knows intuition isn't my strong suit, so she doesn't rely upon it. The sine qua non relationships is communication, and I'd encourage anyone, ASD & NT alike, to read a book or two on communication and active listening.
Most importantly, we express love for one another all of the time. We're both acutely aware of how in a relationship love can ossify into mere empty words. We both make a consistent and conscious effort to be loving towards each other. Sometimes our public displays of affection might make others uncomfortable, but that doesn't dissuade us, because we are each other's priority, and we're constantly recommitting to that, and reassuring each other of that.
Relationships aren't static objects, they're endlessly dynamic living things, and require constant attention and cultivation to grow.