What Does Being "In Love" Feel Like For An Aspie?

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I was reading a thread on AC where an Aspie married female said she never had any "in love" feelings for her husband and felt bad because she felt like she wouldn't have any "feelings" if he wasn't there the next day. I have also read in Aspie books that relationships for Aspies are more like a "comfortable" feeling that the other person is there - like a "need" for them to be there and not a "want" for them to be there. Then my Aspie friend talked about swinging and how there shouldn't be any feelings involved - like it should just be a business transaction. I'm thinking if people can turn their feelings on and off like that for people, do they even have any real feelings in the first place? And then I've talked with Aspies who want friends or a spouse only when it's convenient for them. They want to do what they want (hobbies, etc.) and then miraculously have a person "there" when they want and they don't want the person to call them unless they call first. I'm seeing that in my Aspie friend more now too. He texts when it's convenient for him and doesn't answer me when I text sometimes going a week or two and just picks up from where he left off. I can't do that because I feel it's rude not to even acknowledge that I texted and then my feelings get hurt. I don't understand it. I guess if Aspies are more logical then they would have a harder time getting in touch with their emotional side where feelings originate.

So do Aspies feel "love" or are friendships and relationships for Aspies seen as just a "need" when they have time for them?

Maybe there was infatuation and/or limerence as well, but I think I've definitely felt love. Comfortable would be a great description of how I feel around the other person, but there's a lot more to it as well. I want to be close to the other person. I want to be there for them when they need me. Sometimes I don't know what to do when they need me, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try. If anything, I worry and over analyze the relationship.

Also, I prefer to be messaged first because it lets me know the other person wants to talk. I might not always be in the mood to be talkative though.

You're blithely ignoring why some of us are married to our work.

If I took a year away from technology it could ruin me. Everyone I know, save for perhaps 2 or 3 girls, expects absolute proficiency from me in all things electronic. If I took that year off, for one thing I'd be dead broke, if I let my perfectionism slip for even a week or so, I could lose everyone and everything I know, any number of ways. You probably don't believe me but I'll keep typing just in case. Sure, I got asked out. Yeah, I'll follow up but should I really drop this breakneck paced lifestyle on some unsuspecting girl's conscience while I have 200-some hours of work to do before the month is out? It takes ages to get to know me, would I really be justified in lying by omission about that?

As a rule, I'm patient enough to attone for this.

Addendum: it's also not some elementary or materialistic need. I for one percieve love through every cell in my body, maybe that's why my reactions can be unusual.

I'm not qualified to be answering this since I've never been in an intimate relationship (what a shocker), but I think I have enough perspective to throw in my two cents.

For me it's not a lack of feeling; it's an inability to express it. This is a fundamental symptom of ASDs. I know for a fact that I love my family. Knowing they're doing well makes me happy and when things aren't good I get distressed, even if it doesn't affect me. Despite that, I don't often, if ever, tell them that or make any serious gestures alluding to it like a person normally would. Like, to the point my mom has straight up asked me to be more affectionate because it stresses her out not knowing if I care at all about them. I don't usually withhold affection: I sincerely don't think to express it, and when I do consciously withhold, it's because I don't know how to express it appropriately- or it makes me uncomfortable (hugs are awful). And my family isn't something I find comfort in and want around when I feel like it: to be honest, they're much more a source of stress because I care about them and how positively or negatively I affect them as a member. That's love, right?

The problem you mentioned about your aspie friend only texting when "it's convenient for him" is something I can relate to. In fact I recently apologized to a close friend because I hadn't thought to hang out with him for several months, simply because my mind was set on other things and in a sort of emotionless logic I put him and others on the backburner while I finished high school and start college. I don't like texting people because fear of rejection causes anxiety. "s**t what if he doesn't want to go see Mission Impossible 5. I'll look stupid and have to awkwardly find something else to do, but that's all I really wanna do because I don't know how to hang out with him except going to see a movie together. f**k it I'll hit him up tomorrow I'm sure I'll think of something." And when I get a text: "'hey we haven't talked in a while'? Well what do we talk about? How do you start that conversation? I don't wanna go full-aspergers and rant about something only I like. I know: i'll talk about what we talked about last time and maybe that'll lead somewhere else... yeah..." I might not be speaking for anyone but me here, but I think your aspie friend might feel similarly. Or he could just be self-centered. I dunno.

Sorry if this amounted to nothing but me telling you what that makes me think of. Food for thought, I guess.

I cannot answer for others, only for myself.

I remember many years back, when I was first dating my wife (several years before we were married), she told me that she loved me. I didn't know how to respond. At first, I didn't say anything. Then, I replied, "I am not certain what love is".

I am not totally certain I understand what you mean by "want" and "need".

"Need" is that you get used to the person there and they served some use to you. "Want" is that you would feel some emotional loss if they weren't there because you would miss them for them and not what they can do for you. I hope I explained that right.

Case in point, I want need and (insofar as one can love a metal box) indeed love computers. It even helps when they're shiny. My wish for human contact doesn't mean an absolute need for any specific course of action, only that I eventually find more and more common ground with those I love.

To put this in medical terms for nurseangela, love is an interstitial phenomenon between all the patterns people already established for it. Stability doesn't have to be predictable, people of all stripes throughout history have been conditioned, at times quite willfully, to relinquish all our needs.

I used to think I knew love, until I met my GF.

Usually I am awkward around people, and completely uncomfortable and my "Aspie Sense" (similar to Spidey Sense) is going nuts, on top of that I have always disliked being touched by anyone, be it a hug or a handshake or anything, nor have I liked someone in my personal space let alone being intimate.

When we first met, I was unusually comfortable. No Aspie sense tingling, even during the "Hello hug". Later on holding her hand it felt different, my mind focused on how nice and soft her hand felt, not that I was touching another person. I often wondered why people enjoyed kissing and I now know why if this is what people get out of it.

In the past I avoided being intimate as it was just an overload, but again with her it is different.

She is also very supportive of me and doesn't make me feel weird or different, to the contrary, she makes me feel special.

Do I want her? No question, I want her in my life, I want her sexually, I want to spend time with her, I want to spend my the rest of my life with her.

Do I need her? Again, Yes. She keeps me balanced and knows how to re-direct my attention when I am getting anxious or stressed, she completes me, I feel as if we are a team.

I have never been the one to say "I love you", but on our 3rd date it almost slipped out.

I care about her well being and want her to be happy and it upsets me when she is not happy and do put her needs before my own (when I'm able to see the signs). We don't try to change each other and we accept each other the way we are, we are not perfect, but we are perfect for each other.

Aspies aren't sociopaths, they can feel love and empathy. They just have a harder time expressing it. It's part of having a hard time reading people and emotions. Maybe you feel love towards someone, but you just don't know how to express it.

My best friend has aspergers, I used to get upset about things like him not texting back right away. But he didn't even realize it was something that would upset me. Eventually I told him, and he felt bad for it. Now, he makes an effort to reply to texts, though sometimes when he's wrapped up in a project he forgets. But since he is making the effort, I know he cares and I don't get so offended by it now.

Since aspies have trouble reading people, usually the best thing to do is tell them politely and understandingly if a behavior of theirs bothers you, explain why, and talk about it to see if you can work things out.

For comparison, it's like calling someone cold for not crying at a sad book, when the book is in French and they only know Spanish.

I've felt the "butterflies in my stomach feeling" before. Starting when I was 9 years old. It wasn't sexual...it was "puppy love."

I have the "glad the person is there," rather than an impending "need" for that person--or people, for that matter.

I don't really have a strong "need" to relate to people in person. I do okay relating to people online.

I've been told by a few girls that "something is missing." Maybe it's the "want?"

Love is a human emotion, so yes. Anyone can feel love. However if one is alexithymic it might be hard to differentiate.

I would like to feel love in a wolfish way more often.

Well, love means putting someone else's needs above yours, so, if I were to fall in love with a woman, I'd just leave her alone. Approaching her would be purely selfish.

The lone wolf's perspective works great for that...

Like it would for any other human I guess. The endorphin rush feels greaaat. ASD doesn't affect a persons ability to love other people.