Physical contact

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I’m sure this issue is a bit more common in general on here, but it’s not something I’ve had much experience in dealing with myself, so here I am again with some observations and curiosity about others’ views on it.

Lately one coworker has been giving me hugs near about every time we greet each other. No big deal but once more, something I’m not accustomed to. To put it briefly for those who haven’t read my previous posts, she’s one who I knew years back from another job whom rejected me once, only to tell me recently that she would “totally date” me if she was free, while she currently has a boyfriend. I’m not very idealistic so I wouldn’t put it past anyone and everyone to be unfaithful, but really I figure she just likes the attention.

Another coworker, the bakery girl I see once a week, well, usually we just do this weird fist bump handshake thing she insists on when we both part ways, but the other night she seemed over enthusiastic about hugging me, seemingly just over xmas candy I decided to treat us with as sort of a joke about how early we’re selling it. Maybe I’m still just not good at reading people right but she seemed pretty flustered and went to hug me twice.

The odd thing is neither of them seem to contact me outside of work still despite going out of their own way to either invite me over during breaks or coming up with vague plans to go out, which are kind of hard to follow up on if they don’t text back. I try to be understanding at least of bakery girl knowing she works full time at another job, but it’s pretty disheartening to wonder whether it’s just the same old games teenage girls used to play for the hell of it.

All that said, back to the point of this thread, which admittedly is not the end all of anything platonic or romantic, just something I find interesting. Tried reading what I could of multiple sources on the subject, only to get some varying results and many still not very specific.

First girl tends to wrap her arms around my neck and leans her head in, but maybe that’s just due to my build and me awkwardly not really knowing what’s appropriate myself, other than knowing not to let it last too long. Bakery seemed to rest her hands on my shoulders, but then my memory of that isn’t quite as good since it kind of took me by surprise.

Have only ever really had to do this kind of thing as a kid with extended French Canadian relatives that don’t seem to understand personal space. I guess at least these coworkers are a bit more pleasant. Even so, it’s pretty difficult to gauge affection when actions have more merit than words, and yet are still not definitive in and of themselves.

I know that some HFA people will be extremely uncomfortable when others touch them, invading their "personal space."

In my case, it doesn't bother me although it always surprises me when others (by which I mean acquaintances, coworkers, or even people I'd think of as "friends") initiate a hug. Over the years I've become more comfortable with it, as I've learned that it is the one thing I've never had used as a mixed-message kind of gesture. We all know the things we think are supposed to be good gestures, but later they turn out to be a thing where the jokes on us sort of situation. In most cases it's because I've done something the person thinks is nice or thoughtful. And getting feedback like that is very nice, since I don't figure things out with indirect hints that well.

I suppose you are right in at least it may be more genuine than some other things. Probably reading more into it than is really necessary; it’s just that I’m more curious to find what might be behind more subconscious reasoning for certain actions or gestures.

This morning I greeted J with a high five instead, which seemed ok since I’m not comfortable going in for a hug myself. Had to do it twice since we were both still pretty tired. Later on I was on my phone during break when she came up behind me, poked my back and whistled before heading back to work herself. Most of what I found on that were people talking about Facebook pokes, which of course doesn’t really help, but I decided to give one anyway just to see if she reacts in any way.

Did manage to find some thoughts on it that range from just wanting to get your attention or it depending how old they are in relation to you. There’s a few years between us but nothing major so who can say.

When I was a teenager who was little more than a hormone with feet, I desired to hug any girl provided she didn't smell bad. Other humans including my own parents, I did not like hugging and still don't. I would not be comfortable hugging a coworker. Family is tolerable (parent, relative).

Bakery girl has been messaging me about my dead catblolololol

Well really about animals she has had but still appreciate it just it’s nice at least even as just friends

They both hugged me last Friday and well I high fives them just because but yeah like I swear I don’t know for sure I felt J’s boobs I think inmean she’s kinda slender and petite but I don’t mind, she’s kind of the Mexican goth I kinda craved in my early teens probably cuz I knew someone like that. She wished me a happy early Birthday too

Don’t really know why I’m posting I’m just drunk having to put down Charlie after 13 years has hit me harder than I thought it would. I wish I could hold him again. I feel guilty I can’t remember the last time he came into my room meowing for attention

Well my friend, I had a cat once. I was as devastated when I had to let him go as you are now. Although I wasn't totally alone when I had that cat, it was significant that he adopted me. I think somebody dumped him at the end of our dead end street, and then I found him sleeping in the back seat of my car. I tried to dump him on the neighbors and shoo him away, but when I came in later he was sleeping on my couch. For nearly 15 years, he was the one creature in the world who I thought really accepted me.

Cats aren't human, but having that living creature be so happy to see me when I felt excluded by so many people was important.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Well, my last post was really embarrassing, but thank you for your kind words. This next post, though sober, will likely look just as bad to anyone remotely normal (at least for fellow autists and aspies).

Well it was my birthday recently...something I already haven’t felt as good about getting older but now kinda marred by the fact I’ll be thinking of Charlie every November too now.

Even so, Bakery girl seemed pretty eager to write on my cake when I went to pick one out. We’d joked around and she had said she’d make me one beforehand but I didn’t take it seriously so who knows.

This past Friday we both worked, and at some point some other friend she had outside of work came and they got to talking about different guys neither of them like who seem to give them too much attention. Made me think maybe I was doing the same, but it’s so difficult to figure out when many people are either too polite to be honest or figure you should know you’re being annoying, and just asking yourself can make things awkward or worse.

But then later that night I happened to catch her in the breakroom, and she talked about wanting to hang out with my sister and some of their friends after work, and invited me to come along if I wanted. One of many times where I feel my expressions betray me, because I was excited to go, but I always seem to be lost for words when something good comes along and this time I just said “if you don’t mind.”

She also offered me the rest of her drink. Seltzer water, not tea my thing but I took it anyway. From what I’ve gathered, many consensus seem to say it’s not a huge deal, but I guess I’m just germ phobic and would never share food or drink unless I was really into something. Even so, I guess it doesn’t matter so much if you share without the intention of getting it back.

After work I was told by my sister that B wasn’t feeling well and we’d hang out some other night. Probably for the best since I had to work this morning anyway. Messaged B over fb about it and said I hoped she would feel better, saw she read it but not response. Again not unusual and no one is obligated to reply, but it always leaves seeds of doubt and digs into my insecurities when I don’t get any kind of feedback. I don’t even know if it would be too awkward to send another saying how I would have liked to come over.

Guess this has moved away from the topic a bit but it’s still a place to vent I suppose.

I forgot to mention and for some reason it won’t let me edit my post, but I made a sketch of her and she seemed to like it, and she even suggested I really should pursue art, but I guess most friends would be supportive of that kind of thing.

Well Bakery girl mentioned she had a boyfriend tonight and that they’d been together for some years now. Not in reference to me saying anything about romance, just in regards to me asking how her vacation went and how apparently he called her the maid and had her clean the whole apartment. I guess it’s not for me to judge, just annoying hearing how other guys seem to treat their partners. Lots of flashbacks to past pursuits in that. I mean, I won’t say a guy is an outright as*hole based on word alone, and people seem to exaggerate negatives, but it’s a bit baffling so many people will stay with those they say nothing good about. But then she also said that he seemed like family now, but then also said they’d never get married, and I can’t seem to find a single thing about this guy on her fb. Not impossible that they just don’t share everything on there, but it’s just one more annoyance how people don’t seem to ever change their single status.

Who knows, maybe it’s just a lie to get me to back off if I’ve been annoying her. She’d not been texting as much, which I figured must have been something I’d done, until one of our mutual friends told me the same thing. Turns out it seems she was just upset with her boyfriend if what she said was true. Tonight it seems that way with how she didn’t seem upset with me at least.

I’d bought her a small gift before I knew about her SO, so she caught me while she was on her break and opened it. Surprised that she seemed so enthusiastic about it because it wasn’t much, but I guess I should be glad. Her response was to hug me and say she loves me, which I suppose I know now is platonic, and then she told me that I now have to eat some xmas cookies she’s going to make, even if they don’t turn out very good.

I should be feeling glad to have a friend who seems to want to talk to me at all, and I am, I guess I just feel very stupid, especially if she knows and just hasn’t said anything. You’d think after over a decade of dealing with this stuff, I could parse friendliness from flirtation, but no, I still can’t find any difference like so many others seem to be able to. People tell me I must just be missing girls who are obviously flirting, but I think my problem is the opposite; I get my hopes up way too high over nothing. J, the other girl who told me she’d supposedly “totally date” me, after leaving some weeks ago, no messages or replies whatsoever...just feels bad to be told one thing and treated another way.

Now seems like all I’m left with is to decide whether it’s worth it to still tell B any of this or just go on as if nothing changed. I hate having this on my chest but I would hate to ruin another friendship. There’s always the chance she’ll find this since I told her I have autism and then I’d be really embarrassed.

My sister had told me some time ago that she may be polyamorous? I’m not sure if that was the word, or how she knew or if it’s just rumors or whatever, but doesn’t seem worth risking on and even if it was true, doesn’t mean she can’t still reject me anyway.

Can't stand hugging or kissing (ugh) either sex. As for "fist bumps", I'd refuse outright in most cases, even if it meant being rude. Don't mind handshakes too much, as long as the other person's fairly clean (I can always clandestinely wash my hands a few minutes later if not).