Aspie woman attempting to woo aspie man.

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Bonjour all! I am new to the Wrong Planet discussion boards, but have read bits and bobs on it for a few months.
So.. My dilemma is this:
I have a big ol' crush on a guy I went to uni with (we graduated a couple of months back). We were in the same lecture and hadn't met until we were forced into a 'networking' arvo as part of our course. There were two of these networking occasions (some might say tortures), one was a practice run, and the other was the proper one with finger foods and a dress code. I met this lovely guy (let's call him 'Brown Eyes') at the first occasion but I didn't take to him instantly, as he seemed so awkward and scripted, HOWEVER, I met him again at the second 'proper' networking afternoon, and just found him utterly charming. He (amongst many other talents) does voice acting and he gave me a sample of his talents, and I, who was like a kid with a new toy, kept encouraging him and laughing (not at him of course, but at his impressions. He's quite funny). I cornered him and said I wasn't sharing him and he didn't run away, rather, we kept talking. Of course, it was I who asked the questions, and he who answered, and he didn't ask questions, but I understood this to not be a sign of rudeness, but nerves. He was clearly overwhelmed by the sheet quantity of people in the room (as was I) and no doubt by the tall, fabulous and beautiful (and tiny bit older.. Hello cougar!) Woman talking to him. We talked for ages, maybe an hour, maybe more. I lost track of time. And he gave me his business card (he ran out of them at the first event as we were supposed to hand those things out like sweeties), and so this chatting carried on with me melting into a pool on the floor at the sight of his smile and his deep and beautiful brown eyes. I introduced him to a couple of others and told them about his talents (which he happily demonstrated) and on one occasion made sure that the waitress didn't miss him out (she offered me cake and seemed to ignore him). So, after the event I contacted him via text and got no reply. A few days later I send another text (I'm OCD). Flash forward 4 months and I've send him half a dozen or so texts, ranging from deep and meaningful, mildly saucy, funny, conversational and gentle and warm. I've offered to be ad patient as needed and to accommodate him as much as he needs, but I've heard nothing. He uses quite a few social media platforms (there are links to these on his business card) and it seems that he may possibly not be communicating with people at the moment. I've got three scenarios swimming around in my head:
1. He is not talking to people in general (in which case I am happy to wait for him to feel ready to communicate)
2. He's scared of being hurt/rejected/laughed at or just generally scared of women (in which case I am also happy to wait) (extra info: I'm a very tall woman who is considered a 'classic beauty' .. And I have a beautiful voluptuous figure. And of course poor self esteem regardless of any of this)
3. He is not interest and/or has a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he isn't gay or asexual, as I've seen his drawings and its safe to deduce that he is a 'boobie man' who likes curvy women.

So my question to all you lovely people is:
a. If you are an aspie man how would you feel if you were in his place? Or a similar situation in which a very persistent woman was trying to make a connection with you. I of course know that you cannot speak for him or his mental state.
b. Have you been in a similar situation of aspie pursuing aspie?
c. Do you think in an 'autistic context' persistence is a good thing?
d. What would you do if you were in a similar situation to me?
e. Anything else you care to add. Please be gentle, its my first time here

Posting from work, so I'll be brief: if I was in his situation, I'd be suspicious of my luck. Call it low self-esteem, call it a keen awareness of your own social deficits and the increased risk of being taken advantage of that comes with it, or just call it knowing that girls who look like you (he may not be aware of your own self-esteem issues.) don't generally go for guys like him.

Persistence is good, but you need to gain his trust. I'll Think on this and get back to this thread. Now stopping my slacking off.

Thank you for your insight and I look forward to reading your further insights.

I'm going to make some generalizations here, but I think that roughly speaking, when it comes to aspie men and relationships, we tend to fall into 2 categories.

The needy idealist and the avoidant skeptic.

The idealist is very giving, and probably won't mind chasing you, but he will need alot of emotional reassurance to feel comfortable, because he often has low self esteem. Once he is comfortable he will probably be very active in initiating, since he is usally the romantic type.

The skeptic is extremely unlikely to chase or initiate, so you will have to be the one doing the initial footwork, or else absolutely nothing will happen. He may or may not have low self esteem, but more than anything he needs intellectual transparency and consistency, as he is very analytical in nature, any percieved inconsistency will make him nervous and run for the hills.

The skeptic is a bad partner choice for many reasons, and will probably prove to be unsatisfactory in the long run. If I was a woman, I would date the idealist, since he is self sacrificing, patient and has a lot of utility built into his base personality.

hmm.. that's food for thought Closet Genious. I'm not sure which category he would fall into.. maybe both to some degree? its hard to tell without actually knowing him better. I'm quite a strong feminist woman and don't mind being the one who initiates. The 'man' in the relationship, if you will.. actually, I don't like that, as it sounds as if I'm questioning his masculinity which I am not. I wonder if female aspies have similar categories? I'm very analytical by nature and I don't like uncertainty. He seems like an avoidant idealist, Mr Hybrid

People are confusing creatures aren't they? Baffling and frustrating, yet fascinating and beautiful mysteries..

That is definitely possible, I'm certaintly not saying all aspie men are like these two archetypes. These two archetypes just seem extremely common in the aspie community, based on my observations the last few years. I am by no means a psychologist or a social scientist though.

I do think our tendency towards the idealist/skeptic dichotomy, is a pretty accurate observation. It might have to do with the "black and white thinking", which is also listed in the official diagnostic criteria.

So you wouldn't date me if you had XX chromosomes

Sorry Boo...
I want a man who will buy me flowers

What about a man with a Big D?

I had a man buy me birdseed once. He then took me to feed the birds at big park I was more familiar with than him (so we got lost on the way because he wouldn't tell me where we were going or what he had bought). It was really sweet, unfortunately it turned out that he was scared of the birds and I had to rescue him, but it was a very lovely gesture, as it is a beautiful park, not too crowded but not too isolated and the birds are beautiful (and if you're lucky the kangaroos come out). simple gestures are the sweetest. Women don't need diamonds and champagne (well the ones who will love you for you, and not what you can give them materially, anyway).

also.. a man with a big D .. you mean a big dictionary right? (joke) :p I do love a literate man

Now back from work, and with coffee. I hope I shan't disappoint.





This is a quite good breakdown, though the conclusion that the skeptic is necessarily a bad partner is not one I share. I'd say it comes down to the reasons behind the approaches. Also, weighing the utility of personalities seems a bit crass.

I'd certainly say I have aspects of both; I'm definitely a romantic, but previous bad experiences have left me reluctant to let my walls down. Once bitten, twice shy and all that. I'm also very analytical, and hesitate to act on hunches and uncertain data. I'd probably initiate if I had something like 96% likelihood that the interest was mutual, because rejection is painful and humiliating, and if its someone I've known for a while it's nigh guaranteed to make things awkward. I, too, can be very self-sacrificing for the sake of someone I care about, but I wouldn't put up with having that being taken for granted and not appreciated (and, preferably, reciprocated), which I guess would fall under "needs emotional reassurance".

I once jokingly suggested a woman in a similar situation get the object of her affection alone in a room and flash him. A joke with some truth to it, because that is the level of signaled interest that would prompt my over-analytical mind to attempt to come up with a battle plan, as it were. I'm aware that I have a skewed perception of my own attractiveness; I know I look better than I instinctively think I do (if that makes sense), and the idea that a woman finds me attractive, let alone has more than a passing interest, takes a long time to actually sink in and take root.


The only real advice I can offer you is this; honest and clear communication. That you haven't heard back from him by your texts might actually mean he has read them, and is now over-analyzing them trying to figure out if you're just being friendly or if you're interested (and is possibly also stuck in an anxiety-loop over not having responded, but also not knowing how to respond). If you can, write him an e-mail/PM on one of his social media platforms (preferable to mobile texts), and tell him outright that you'd be interested in dating him. Suggest a low-intensity venue, or ask him if he knows any good places. Depending on how aspie-y he is, make a plan beforehand regarding who pays to avoid awkwardness (I've always paid on the few dates I've been on. Me Tarzan and all that). Very attractive women have an element of intimidation to them due to their inherent social upper hand, so try to mitigate that with self-deprecating humor and, depending on how much you trust him, vulnerability. Depending on how sensitive that topic is, sharing stories about how you got your diagnoses might a something to bond over.





This guy has the right idea. Though I question the decision to feed birds while afraid of birds. Then again; showing vulnerability helps build mutual trust.





No no, Boo is bragging about his massive, throbbing diaphragm. He'll belt out an aria and serenade you until you swoon.

haha I realised he was referring to his penis, but I was playing with words - 'dictionary/DICKtionary'. I've watched way too many episodes of 'Are You Being Served?' - an English sitcom from the 70s that plays on the double meaning of words. I forget that not everyone will understand my humour, and on that note: please tell if you don't understand me, as I am Australian, so I do tend to use a lot of silly phrases and slang that just wont make sense to other people outside Australia. There some very funny videos on YouTube about our slang actually. anyway, I digress..

I thought about contacting him on the social media platform he appears to feel most comfortable on, but i guess I'm just afraid of seeming like I'm stalking him. I'm studying to be an historian - we research and analyse, so I am applying those skills to this situation. My last message (last night) asked if he would like to meet up, but I am unsure how 'cement' my language was (btw he is English by birth, so my Australian colloquialism probably gets lost on him too), but I do try to be very clear, but what is clear to a woman, may be not seem so clear to a man, let alone an aspie man. I'd like to tackle that again maybe, but with really 'cement' language (not you Tarzan, me Jane, lets get coffee and make babies hehe), and try as you suggested, on social media private messaging. I just assumed text was ok because he gave me his business card with his number on the front (and I am way too chicken to call him). I kind of like the idea of inviting him for coffee at our old university (we graduated last year) as it seems like it would be a familiar place to him.

I would flash him, but it seemed that towards the end of the semester that the sight of me in the room was enough to make him run away (literally) or pace, or run away, come back, sit down, change chairs, walk past, sit down, walk past, sit down, pace, etc. I actually drew him a humorous picture of that day in an attempt to show interest and explain why I didn't speak to him, but that I did notice him (I had my body faced to him,and he had his body faced to me, though we were a medium distance away from each other). However, a good reason for flashing him would be that my cleavage is exquisite and he is a boobie man.

Do you really think he could be over-analyzing my texts? Could it just be that he isn't interested (not that I expect you to be a mind reader). I guess I ask this because if he were a NT man I would absolutely assume that he wasn't interested after the first two texts. I actually recently disclosed my aspie-ness to him (I am not officially diagnosed, but it seems like a certainty when I reflect on my past and present behavior. It was such a relief actually. Funnily enough, I may not have discovered this important thing about myself if I hadn't met him, as it was through reading about it that I realized I was on the spectrum. Also, I'm still learning the correct terminology, so please feel free to correct me if I get things wrong.)

so.. what should a basic 'hey lets meet up' email, look like in your opinion? I'm afraid my words may be confusing him/making him anxious and I want to be clear and make him feel at ease.

I honestly feel I would be in hog heaven should I have an historian as a lover/mate.

I would even be inclined to try to interpret manorial rolls written in Middle English, should a pretty lady be my "partner in crime."

It's actually quite interesting reading about the proceedings of manorial courts. Some of the "sentences" remind me of the Code of Hammurabi.

Is your "brown-eyed guy" interested in stuff like this. Do you know Van Morrison's "Brown-eyed Girl?"

fellow lovers of history are very exciting and I would be honoured to be your friend
I really want to learn Latin (I really need to learn it if I hope to do my Phd). Are you bilingual? I'm not.. yet. I've done a class on French at uni and its a beautiful language, but the accent is easier to mimic than the language itself

My 'brown-eyed boy' doesn't seem to be interest in history. He looked pretty lost when I was excitedly discussing the Domesday book with someone who was at the same function as us. I tried to 'translate' or history nerd talk, but I don't know if he understood/was interested. He did understand a reference I made to Rasputin (and then proceeded to sing a couple of lyrics from 'Rasputin' by Boney M, which I thought was adorable). He's an animation sort of guy (very talented), however, we both have a common interest in film production (I am a qualified film editor, not that I've used those skills in the last decade) and doing accents (we both mimic and do silly accents, though he is REALLY good, and i am just good. I do Australian accents better though, but I have the edge on him, given my nationality)

Alas, I'm not bilingual. I even suck at Middle English!

The problem with the Domesday Book is that it was written in Norman French. Some things might be lost in translation. I would only read a rendition of it with an excellent glossary.

Up until the 1950's or so, Latin was pretty much a "de riguer" subject in the "better schools" here in the US (and some not-so-good ones as well).

I wonder if "Rosetta Stone" might have Latin in its roster.

Yes, it turns out that "Rosetta Stone" has Latin as part of its repertoire.

oh, and yes, I do know the song "Brown-eyed girl" - its a good song. In my case it would be "teal-blue/green eyed girl"

I am lucky enough to have a translated copy of the Domesday Book. I found it at a second hand store for $5AUD or some small amount like that. its kind of a shame that Latin isn't taught in school so much these days. I'd have found it useful. I learnt Italian for a while, as well as German and Japanese. But this was in primary school and essentially, all I can remember is how to count to 10. I know a few words in French so I can sometimes get the gist (or I think I get the gist) of some French songs. In truth I probably don't have a clue.. actually, I do understand the song "lady Marmalade" for some reason. I've always wanted to learn Hungarian (I'm 1/4 Hungarian) but no one in my immediate family speaks it. Shame really. what is your ancestry?
What is Rosetta Stone?