I'm an outlier.

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I feel more & more like none of the conventional advice here applies to me at all. I think some of us are simply too different as a result of nature and our past to either need or expect the same things from our love lives as most people do.

I don't get closer to anyone by thinking in terms of standards or expectations.

I think the more we ignore this, the more we ignore ourselves & everyone around us. I can either live in denial because of a system that doesn't involve me or just focus on being a better person towards someone I care about. The choice is fairly obvious.

Indeed, and I feel the same.

I feel your pain brother! What's even more frustrating is the fact that I'm particularly attracted to those "basic white girls" who religiously follow trends

I don't really consider anyone 'basic'. I'm no longer interested in judging anyone by their nature. I don't really like social trends either but I don't think that should discolor my view of people who understand trends better than I do.

I also don't really think this is about pain. It doesn't seem like something reasonable to fixate on in the context of anyone I share my life with.

Me neither. I see no pain in behaving naturally and going about courtship in a natural way. It's highly pleasurable, not painful. The only thing that is painful is to try to fit into the NT dating culture and try to be somebody you are not.

Considering that somebody in my life actually knows an honest representation of who I am, in some regards I guess I'm ahead of some people who do subscribe to the zeitgeist of modern social norms. I think I'd be remiss if I didn't offer my outside perspective to her once in a while, even though it can (& usually does) take both of us ages to process what all of this means.

I'm pasting this from Marknis' thread because I think we need to consider it:

I think people reject us when we're rejecting parts of ourselves. We need ways for all kinds of people to settle this type of internal conflict together because I think it's rare for just one person to be the cause of any division. Ignoring someone just because they've been dismissive does neither person any good. Nobody thinks the same way or wants the same things every day; the only constant is change.

Works both ways.
I'm quite capable of rejecting and being horrible to people I love.
Love, if I allow myself to experience it fully, is a very painful feeling for me.
Love and kindness together are excruciating.
If anyone can explain that to me, thanks.

I think love is harder to enjoy if we don't contrast it with our reasons for trepidation.

Communicate with your special someone first.
Sort yourself out later, or better yet, sort it out together.

She's not really into exclusive relationships & wasn't interested for other reasons the last time we really talked. What I need to sort out is showing her importance to me because of the isolation she put a stop to. I think I identify with your first post about fully experiencing love because I associated a lot of negativity with it before I met her.

Very good advice.

One thing I've learned is that communication is key. Everyone needs to at least know what page they are all on. A lot of times people think they understand and don't. Getting people to repeat things back as they understand them helps that.

I don't want us to rely on our preconceptions either; I can't be sure I'm understood & I probably won't be sure for some time to come. I could have a mutual friend encourage her to share more thoughts sometime though for all I know that's a terrible idea.

Communication should be natural and not based on verbal conversation. Verbal communication is not reliable as people lie about lots of things and make promises they cannot keep.