Being too scared to talk to her

Page 1 of 2 [ 21 posts ] Go to page 1, 2 Next

Joined: 29 Jun 2016
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 254

09 Feb 2019, 2:05 am

There is this girl who I keep seeing around my campus last semester and this semester. I take this as faith telling me (yes I believe in that kind of stuff) that this girl has potential to be my girlfriend. She seems like the shy or quiet type so I guess that could benefit me? (idk maybe a outgoing girl will be too much for me) anyway I decided that this current semester, I will finally say something to her but I haven't. I keep telling myself that its ok I chicken out because its still early in the semester but its starting to not become early anymore so I feel worried that I won't get the courage. I try to hype myself up and get in the zone of making small talk, it just the fear comes in when I see her. And I dislike it because I am tired of being single (I have been my whole life) and here am not doing nothing about it. Hopefully on Tuesday, when I see her again. I will finally say something to her because I have a very good small talk opener now. (She recently just dyed her hair and my hair been dyed for a couple of weeks) Does anyone know any tips that can help me? or mentality excuses?

Rustifer
Snowy Owl

Joined: 1 Mar 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 143
Location: Outside

09 Feb 2019, 2:29 am

Danger, danger, danger. I've learned that when I get obsessed, like you are, it's best to just not do anything. Trust me, if you tell her that your faith told you that she was somehow put there for you, she will not feel comfortable.

If it is this confusing, can you really define the "meaning" of you seeing her with certainty? I think not. I think your hormones are interacting with an already hyper-active pre-frontal cortex and this faith is really a drunkenness. This isn't to say only you would be experiencing this, but it can be even worse for you than normal.

So yes, just don't do anything.

The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,757

09 Feb 2019, 3:09 am

What you said about her having the potential to be your girlfriend is just unchecked wishful thinking. The reality is a lot of variables would need to align in order for you to have any chance of having this girl become your girlfriend. You would need:

- Her to be single, straight or bisexual, and interested in and available for a relationship
- Her to be attracted to you physically
- You and her to be attracted to each other personality-wise, mentally and emotionally
- Her to not perceive that she has any better options than you for a partner

So far what we know is that you like her looks and demeanor. We don't know if you and her have compatible personalities, or if she even has any interest In you at all in any capacity.

It's best to assume that a particular person has no interest in you romantically until evidence contradicts that stance, especially if you've never successfully attracted a girlfriend before. If you don't remain realistic, you become emotionally vulnerable to the resulting broken heart when you realise that the girl never saw you as a prospective partner, and never would.

You can approach this girl, but you've got to be emotionally guarded and level-headed, and have no expectations or high hopes about what might ensue. You also have to accept the fact that you're more likely to fail than succeed.

KanyeWestFan
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 29 Jun 2016
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 254

09 Feb 2019, 3:57 am

Rustifer wrote:

I wouldn't say I am obsessed, I can go several hours without thinking about her and I will definitely not tell her that faith told me or anything like that haha but I see what you mean. I am still going to try to speak her just so the "what if" question won't be a thing but I take your advice and slow down on the faith thing. I will take that out of the equation.

KanyeWestFan
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 29 Jun 2016
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 254

09 Feb 2019, 4:00 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Yeah you are right, I am acting with too much wishful thinking. I need to stop acting like Ted Mosby and think clear

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

09 Feb 2019, 4:11 am

KanyeWestFan, please listen to me. Don't overthink this, and certainly don't think that you don't have a chance with her. I think the others are being overly pessimistic, do not let them affect your thinking. You do have a chance with her. It is not guaranteed, but you do have a chance with her if you ask her. You have to think this way.

Faith is something I believe in, it has kept me going.

_________________
I've left WP.

The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,757

09 Feb 2019, 5:47 am

smudge wrote:

I think the others are being overly pessimistic, do not let them affect your thinking. You do have a chance with her. It is not guaranteed, but you do have a chance with her if you ask her. You have to think this way.

Faith is something I believe in, it has kept me going.

Well I'm more logical than faith-based in my approach to life, and that has served me much better.

There's always a chance, but based on the information that the OP has provided, there's no reason to think he has a better chance with her relative to any other girl at his campus. There's no established rapport between them and no evidence to hint at the fact that she might be interesred so it's best to assume she probably isn't, unless you wish to make yourself emotionally vulnerable and risk potentially being crushed. That's not to say he shouldn't try approaching her at all, but if he does, he'd be smart to remain internally emotionally reserved and be prepared to go with the flow.

It's easier to give peppy, uplifting, optimistic advice but ultimately you're not the one who has to deal with the consequences if it blows up in his face. At least with my approach he can still pursue things if he sees fit and keep a level head so that any heart-ache incurred by failure won't take as much of an emotional toll.

I'd rather set myself up to be a pleasantly surprised pessimist than a heart-broken, disappointed optimist.

rdos
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,089
Location: Sweden

09 Feb 2019, 6:23 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

- Her to be single, straight or bisexual, and interested in and available for a relationship
- Her to be attracted to you physically
- You and her to be attracted to each other personality-wise, mentally and emotionally
- Her to not perceive that she has any better options than you for a partner

Completely wrong. He is not dating her, and the "rules" of neurodiverse (shy) courtship is not anything like those of dating.

Last edited by rdos on 09 Feb 2019, 6:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

rdos
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,089
Location: Sweden

09 Feb 2019, 6:25 am

KanyeWestFan wrote:

I'd just enjoy it, especially if she gives some signs of interest too. If she is shy (and potentially neurodiverse) too, then you don't need to make small talk. Just follow your instincts and enjoy it.

A first reasonable step is to set up so you can see her as much as possible if she is up to that. That's also a good way to probe for interest.

Last edited by rdos on 09 Feb 2019, 6:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,757

09 Feb 2019, 6:32 am

rdos wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Completely wrong. He is not dating her, and the "rules" of neurodiverse (shy) courtship is not anything like those of dating.

Ok, oh informed one, if not the aforementioned, what are the prerequisites for two people to feasibly be in a relationship? NDs may be different to NTs, but we're not a different species.

Last edited by The Grand Inquisitor on 09 Feb 2019, 6:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

ShyGirl7
Sea Gull

Joined: 23 Aug 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 209
Location: Florida

09 Feb 2019, 6:32 am

KanyeWestFan wrote:

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

If not, then there are always other pretty girls you will meet (there will be plenty)

I agree that some of the others are over-thinking it.

Believing that God may have given you a signal that she is in your life for a positive reason is fine.

Just go up to her, smile and ask her if she would like to go out with you for some coffee.

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

09 Feb 2019, 6:57 am

KanyeWestFan: Take action and believe in yourself. If she says no, she wasn't right for you.

_________________
I've left WP.

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

09 Feb 2019, 6:59 am

ShyGirl7 wrote:

KanyeWestFan wrote:

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

That's a good plan.

I sort of agree with the others though that it's best not to mention his faith to this girl.

_________________
I've left WP.

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,890
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

09 Feb 2019, 7:00 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

rdos wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Completely wrong. He is not dating her, and the "rules" of neurodiverse (shy) courtship is not anything like those of dating.

Ok, oh informed one, if not the aforementioned, what are the prerequisites for two people to feasibly be in a relationship? NDs may be different to NTs, but we're not a different species.

The thing is.....he does believe that we are different species.

yogiB1
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 30 May 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 194
Location: United States

09 Feb 2019, 7:49 am

You never know, she may have a crush on you too but you’ll never know if you don’t say anything.

You can always tell her you noticed that her hair color changed and that you think it looks great. That way you open the door to communication. Maybe she’s scared to talk to you too. Definitely don’t overthink it and I’d suggest not saying anything about your faith bringing you two together.

_________________
-Diagnosed Asperger's

BlueIris24
Raven
Raven

Joined: 18 Jan 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 113

09 Feb 2019, 6:58 pm

KayneWestFan, if you are interested in this girl then no harm in trying to get to know her!

With that being said, don't let your expectations and hopes get the best of you. There's no way to really know how she'll react, or if she'll return the interest. It's best to keep your expectations low, but definitely try to talk to her and see where it takes you. It might lead to romance, it might not. What matters though is that you tried.

Page 1 of 2 [ 21 posts ] Go to page 1, 2 Next

Jump to:

Being too scared to talk to her Post Reply New Topic

Being too scared to talk to her