Why I Want a Relationship

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It seems that when I or other guys here lament our inability to get into a relationship, some people will ask why we even want one, as if it's somehow inconceivable that anyone, particularly those without relationship experience could possibly want one. It's worth noting that the people who ask this often have relationship experience, are in a relationship or are even in the same position and just want a relationship, but I digress.

With this in mind, I've decided to outline my reasons for wanting a relationship.

For Validation and Self-Esteem Repair
I've very much wanted a relationship since I hit puberty, and with all the hormones having administered themselves in my system at the time, this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's experienced the same thing. Over my teens, as I started to watch my peers pair up while I despite wanting a girlfriend more than anything never got one, the mere desire and hope for a relationship remained strong, but started to become accompanied by insecurities about my inability to get a relationship, and later started to manifest into frustration about my inability to get a relationship, which in turn got me seeing social workers, psychologists, diagnosed with depression and taking medication that I'm still on now, and I would say it became pretty much ineffective after taking it for a year or less.

I realise now that it was ridiculous to ever believe medication would be effective for curing a depression that was based on external stimuli rather than internal stimuli. If you lose a loved one, and experience emotional turmoil due to something outside of your control, nobody's going to prescribe you antidepressants because there's nothing wrong inside your brain, your brain is rationally reacting to the problem rather than being the problem itself, and as such, in the case of a lost loved one, the only thing you can do is grieve your loss and hope that time heals the wound as best it can. In the case of an inability to get a relationship, because it's not a loss of something and rather an inability to have something, passing time only exacerbates the problem rather than healing it. I know it might be selfish, and I sincerely wish I'd been able to date in my teens and things hadn't come to this, but being shown that I am worthwhile enough for somebody to get into a relationship with, having that proven to me is the only way to patch up the emotional wounds I've sustained from not being able to get a relationship. I wish this wasn't a problem, and I wish this wasn't the case, but then apparently what I wish doesn't matter at all, so I can only accept the reality I have to work with and be honest with myself about it.

For an Intimate Connection Unlike Any Other
I want to feel an intimate connection with someone unlike any connection I've ever had in my life. I want reciprocity to the max in such a way that nothing short of a romantic relationship can provide. I want to feel like I'm theirs and they're mine. I want to jot have to participate in sex acts alone and actually make love to someone. I want to be with someone who brings out the best in me and for whom I do the same, who I have so much love for that they bring out my giving side again that's been largely absent for the past few years as I've become more depressed. I want to inspire someone I deeply care about to be the best they can be, and who will do the same for me. I want to be able to experience physical and emotional intimacy, sometimes in conjunction with each other, and that just isn't going to happen when I'm alone.

Now you, as someone who's had relationships, or someone who's in a relationship might bring up abusive relationships as if to say it's not all gravy, and relationships can be bad, to which I would say I'd highly prefer to have even an equal amount of positive and abusive relationships than none at all. At least then I'd know that I can be wanted. And to those of you who with partners raising the point that I could end up in an abusive relationship, well your partner could turn around and start abusing you tomorrow. Are you going to break it off tomorrow on the basis that they could start abusing you? Of course you're not, just as it would be idiotic to try and imply that my search for a relationship, my desire for a relationship, anything like that should be reconsidered or scrutinised based on there being a possibility of a future partner turning out to be abusive.

I'm probably one of those people who doesn't understand why people like yourself want a romantic relationship so much, despite never having been in one myself.

I think the issue for me is about quality rather than quantity, and this, if I may say so, is perhaps where i deviate from you. I'm perfectly happy to have no relationship, if the alternative is one with someone I don't love, and given that I know of almost no women (or men) I could bring myself to love, this is an end to it.

You seem to see a sexual relationship as a source of self esteem, at least in addition to any considerations of love; it cannot work this way. Self esteem must always come from within, and to relinquish one's judgements as to the virtues of another person and to see them as being in some way a tool, is the surest possible way to destroy any self respect, even if you may not realise it now.

I can see where Inquisitor is coming from.

But I would, still, put “finding a girlfriend” on the back burner, in favor of pursuing your interests.

Same. Quality is everything. At least after you had a few bad relationships you no longer will be content with "anybody". You want somebody special, or none at all.



Agreed. Self-esteem is a prerequisite for getting into a reasonable relationship, not the effect of desperately getting into one. And if the main thing somebody wants from a relationship is sex, then I think I would recommend a prostitute instead. And a relationship is not the way to cure depression, as you are more likely to bring your partner down in depression too than curing your own.

Last edited by rdos on 30 Dec 2018, 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mr Kortie: So can I to an extent, and would also agree that there are other priorities (one of them - but not the only one - being pursuit of personal interests.) For instance, I'm not making a value judgement here, but Mr Inquisitor has stated elsewhere that he still lives with his parents (unless I'm confusing him with someone else). This makes it much more difficult to pursue a romantic/sexual relationship. He has also stated, I think, that he doesn't drive (again, not making a value judgement; I can't drive either, though I do live alone); this poses the same problem. One must make sure that his situation is appropriate for the pursuit of a partner.

Also, the sense of need for a relationship, which all women - particularly NTs - can pick up on is also often found to be off-putting.

Last edited by Prometheus18 on 30 Dec 2018, 3:03 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Good analysis. I was going to point out earlier that the danger here is in confusing cause and effect in respect of self esteem.

You have allowed yourself to become attached to your conception of the ideal of a romantic relationship. This is not only causing suffering, but might also set yourself up for major disappointment when you do enter a relationship with all these expectations on what it will do for you. If you are not interested in any specific person at this time, you should just be patient and find happiness in what you do have in your life, rather than what you so desperately want.

I hope you find someone special eventually, but it's best to live in the moment.

Depending on where he lives, the driving might not matter.

The living with his parents part might not matter, either. He’s a very young guy, and he can say that he’s saving up to buy a house for his future family. There is less stigma attached to men in their early 20s living with their families than in previous generations.

I can understand wanting a relationship, but what makes me scratch my head is that some guys seem to want a girlfriend so she can "fix" him.

Having a relationship isn't going to repair a lifetime of anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts. I also don't think its healthy to place all of your hopes of happiness on another person.

If you're using someone else as a crutch there's going to be a certain amount of fear that your crutch may fall out from under you.
Fear and love don't coexist well.
It will either turn you into a pleaser or a controller.
Neither make for a healthy relationship.

Exactly. She isn't his therapist.

Go to a therapist for your emotional needs, go to Rosie Palms for your sexual needs.

Go to a relationship when you've worked this stuff out with your therapist and find a woman you actually respectas a human being.

I don't think he'll get abused but I think if he goes into it with this mindset, he's likely to abuse her when it turns out that she's a human being and not an (hopefully just) emotional punch bag and sex doll.

He probably would 'prefer an abusive relationship' because he's not considered what the physical realities of that are for some people in such relationships. He isn't thinking through the realities of what he's saying and how some people might take it. How I'm taking it, essentially.

Basically I'm saying that comment which is quite offensive is one which might just be a theory of mind problem for him.

I don't think this 'someone could wake up and turn into an abuser' thing is true either. There are red flags with abusers. Patterns of behaviour. It's worth studying up on this stuff before getting into a relationship, especially if you're physically or emotionally more at risk than other people are. Some of the patterns look 'ideal' but if someone is trying to groom you, this counts as a red flag, especially if they try to separate you from the people who care about you (again, get a group of friends around you before dating so you have a support network).

It's worth studying up on the reality of abuse and the psychological profiles of abusers.

It does suck the way that society pressures men to lose their virginities at all costs. There aren't many non-abusive ways around that. The way I recommend is, recognise this for the BS social construct it is rather than the be all and end all of life. And then find someone you love enough that you can mutually enjoy sex together. If it's a mutual respect, as it should be, she won't give a toss if you're a virgin, in fact she'll probably prefer that you have standards and morals. This is of course if she's worth it.

Again for this, work on theory of mind and trying to see things from her POV.

The Grand Inquisitor
Your reasons for wanting to be in a relationship are good ones.

Let me add that the desire is in your genes. Humans have children and have to protect and feed them for almost a decade before they are capable of being somewhat independent. This is longer than any other creature on earth. It takes a couple to raise a child. So coupling is in our genes.

There is another advantage to being a couple. Two people joined together can deal with the world far better than one. They can complement each other. It is the yin and yang of a relationship. For example, I am an extreme introvert and my wife is an extreme extrovert. So when we deal with anything of a social nature, I put all the decisions in the hand of my wife. I am skilled in math, so when it comes to managing financially, I take on that role. We compliment each other in a very large number of skill areas.

Even the introvert and extrovert qualities compliment. For example, my wife is afraid of being alone. As an introvert, I an not afraid of being alone. One of my qualities is that I am faithful and I do not play games in romance. If I take a marriage oath, I honor it to the end of time.

I think it is possible to work through issues with the support of a caring partner, but they won't be able to fix them.
I've been with my partner for a millenia and I still have self esteem issues.
We both seem to be the doormat type, which means we often put our own needs on the back burner and try to please the other instead, which is great in theory, but it means you miss out on a certain amount of personal growth through losing sight of yourself.

Women really can’t “fix” things. You have to “fix” yourself.

I think you're being unfair on Mr Inquisitor just a little. He hasn't actually said that he sees a prospective partner as a "fix" for him, although maybe this is implied. I also think that your claim that he would prefer an abusive relationship is insulting. I also think you should avoid referring to him solely using the third person pronoun.

That said, I agree with a lot of what you have said; Mr Inquisitor needs to see a girlfriend in slightly more human terms; his second reason is quite decent and humane, but I agree that the first part is unhealthy. He should also work on self esteem issues before rather than after finding a girlfriend. Mr Raleigh's analysis is spot on in this respect.

I totally relate to your post since I was single for a very long time before being in my current LT relationship.

I only disagree with you on this part, if you partner becomes abusive at any day, just run.