Help, Marriage Ending

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I’m in a crisis right now. After over more than a decade of marriage, my wife and I are separating (her decision). We’ve had problems emotionally connecting over the years, and she has complained that I don’t respond emotionally and that I’m not great at intimacy and affirmation. We’ve also had issues with my very controlling parents, who rejected her from the beginning of our relationship; I have unintentionally let them hurt her with their behavior over the years. We have four young children, who are very attached to both of us.

I have not been an affectionate husband, and I am sometimes critical of my wife, but I do love her very much, am always willing to sacrifice anything for her and the kids. I work hard and spend very little money on myself, and I am not abusive or angry, and I have never been unfaithful. Last year we had a lot of problems with my parents; I tried to handle them well but didn’t, and I became depressed, I didn’t empathize with how she felt, and we had a rough spring. In the fall my wife became aware of her own codependency through therapy, and in November she suspected that I (along with out two sons) are on the spectrum. I scored as slightly or somewhat on the spectrum on every online test I found. I brought this up to my own therapist, but he doesn’t take it seriously, and I haven’t been diagnosed. At this point, I became depressed about this new revelation, and my wife began researching and decided it would be very hard work to maintain our relationship. This made me even more upset, and I became anxious and abnormally controlling, culminating in a few angry and insulting (but non-violent) outbursts from me after Christmas. At this point I realized I was very unhealthy, but by the first of the year my wife was already talking about divorce. A week ago she said we needed to separate, and I am going to have to find an apartment or place to sleep. I will be at the house during daylight hours to co-parent the kids, but leave after their bedtime. I want the separation to involve attempts at reconciliation, but she doesn’t want to see a marriage counselor. She acknowledges she loves me and that I love her; she comforts me and says she will always be my friend, but that she just needs freedom and space from me. I know there is a slight chance that I could do personal work to be a better husband, and maybe at some point she would consider reuniting.

She is a wonderful woman, and I love her more than anything; she has been so good to me over the years. We are still best friends, and I believe we will always share the family together. Our plan for the future is that we will still see each other basically every day, and do everything with the kids together. She just feels the romance has died and that my ASD, plus the way it hurt her, makes it too hard to rekindle. She wants the evenings without me and not to sleep under the same roof.

I’m devastated, and I need help figuring out who I am and how much of that relates to ASD, and how I can be a person she can fall in love with and trust again. I’m sorry if any of the ways I’ve described this sounds demeaning of the Asperger’s community (including myself), but this only came up last November, and it’s all very new.

Have you tried using a relationship therapist who understands autism? They are rare, but they do exist.

That’s what I’m interested in pursuing, but my wife doesn’t want to see a couples therapist (even one who specializes in neurodiverse couples); she thinks it will mean she has to do all the work. Could I pursue this kind of therapy on my own?

It may help you better understand the situation even if she isn't there, but it is very important to have someone that understands neurodiversity, even if you aren't officially diagnosed.

That's really unfair that she thinks it's unfixable because now she thinks you have autism. Surely it would be a handle to know how to deal with you better.

I can look into a therapist for myself who understands autism, and see who I can find.

I don’t know if she’s being unfair or not: I know she has been incredibly loving and supportive during our marriage, and in many ways she still is. If she says she hasn’t felt loved—that’s her experience and I can’t really contradict it. I know that I do love her, and that I’ve tried to show her in my own ways, and it breaks my heart that she hasn’t felt it for so long. I just want another chance.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but your separation seems like it's probably for the best. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

There is something that might help your marriage. It is not therapy but maybe something better. I once went to a Marriage Encounter. It was one weekend long retreat. Men and women were segregated into different rooms. They could communicate only through writing. There were lectures and there were time alone to write letters to each other. Many times those letters turned into love letters. It was a very uplifting experience and a very pro-marriage environment. Aspies tend to communicate better with the written word than with the spoken word.

Here are a few links if you are interested.
World Wide Marriage Encounter
Marriage Encounter
YouTube: A Simple Explanation of Worldwide Marriage Encounter

This is more for others on the forum but I'd like to point out that a relationship is not a bucket list item to do and cross off the list. A good relationship requires a lot of work every week. Sort of like growing plants. If you don't take care of them they will die. So will a relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I think self-diagnosis is a first step. I respect people who stop there but people who stop there have to understand that they have no way of knowing for certain whether they have autism or not. I would therefore caution you from equating a strong assumption that you have autism with a confirmation that you have autism.

Have you talked to a physician about your wife's issue with your lack of affection? I don't recall if you'd indicated how old you are, but testosterone levels decrease with age. Maybe your lack of desire for intimacy is hormonal.

I'm not saying this is you, but I've known or observed many men through the years that were NT and were so into their own things (sports, hobbies, hanging with "the guys", work, porn, alcohol) that they were neglectful of their wives and none of it had anything to do with autism.

Did you wife used to think you were attentive to her and that things have changed? Why or why not?
Do you think you used to be attentive to your wife and that you think things have changed with you? Why or why not?

Do you need a lot of "alone time"? If so, why do you feel you need it?

The problem of long lasting relationships is that the parners get used to the positve sides of each other and stop to recognizing them. In the opposite they start to focus more and more on minor problems of their partners. First of all you have to accept minor problems of your partner and to bring yourself in.

_________________
I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!

Thanks, everyone, for your replies so far. I especially appreciate the constructive criticism about the excuse-making. I definitely recognize the ways I have hurt my wife and I do think being non-violent and affair-free are the bare-bones basic standards of human decency. I readily admit that she has more than enough reasons not to be with me. The possibility of ASD is really new to me, and I want to know how I can be better at showing love to the people I care about.

The real issue I believe I struggle with is cognitive empathy. Sometimes I have been emotionally responsive, defended her to my family, and affirmed her for who she is. I just missed so many signals that she needed it, and so it wasn’t nearly enough. I was unaware that she took my opinions as personal criticisms, that she was hurting and needed comfort, etc. I missed all the cues.

I’m in my mid-thirties, and am pretty sure low testerone isn’t my issue. I don’t spend much time on my own hobbies or friends, although I have focused interests. I mainly work (as a teacher) and spend time with her or the kids. I almost never do anything away from home on evenings or weekends. She tells me that I’m a genuinely good person, that she knows it was all unintentional, and that she doesn’t want me out of her life. The fact that she believes this but still feels emotionally distant and unable to remain married, is one of my main reasons for suspecting ASD (along with sensory issues and social problems).

Why don't you try being really nice to her, and see what happens?

I'm very sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I went through something similar a few years back and I was hopeful that she'd reconsider for a while, but in my case it didn't take me long to realise that my wife never really cared about me, it was all about what I could do for her and once I was drained of all I had left to give, she was off. As an aspie the worst part for me was dealing with change and uncertainty. The hurdle of change I got over fairly quickly, it's the constant uncertainty that continues to be a problem. The not having a partner also leaves me feeling so much more abnormal, as if autism is all that defines me now.... other than being a single parent, but as my kids are growing up fast that's not going to apply for much longer.