As a guy ~

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I wanted to use cost of living calculator to compare your city to mine so I can determine advice for you.

Well I'm at a loss about how to respond to the last page or so. I'm not into attracting people with demands & I'm too anxious even around my closest friends to run around implementing all this advice.

All my brain does in my free time is scream at me that I should stay away from people. Obviously that's not the answer to anything but I should point out that I made this thread because I guess I've learned to be too shy for most people to understand me. I don't want my anxiety to bring anyone else down.

As far as I can see, sophistication makes no difference. All I can really do is work in a vacuum.

Are you like physically incapable somehow of using the quote feature of this forum? You like to talk about tech and coding so you obviously know it is there and how it works. It's a common feature on many forums, there for the precise reason that it allows everyone to know who is talking to who and about what. Intentionally not using it even when it's pointed out to you that not using it is kinda rude tells me you just like being rude, maybe because it makes you feel superior if you don't follow the rules everyone else does in conversation. You are creating your own isolation by insisting on communicating in ways that you know are rude and exclusionary, and then complaining about your isolation. I'm giving you small concrete suggestions on how you can begin to feel less isolated by improving your communication skills, and you're ignoring those suggestions to complain further about how no one understands you.



So I have a new suggestion now: maybe consider getting over yourself.

Since you have to ask, yeah I am physically incapable to some degree. Carpal tunnel hurts. A lot. I don't get paid to write bbcode & I don't find quote blocks helpful anyway.

Apparently you're in the camp that hates my kind. Bye?

There, I quoted you.

Mods: do we have a rule that says to use the quote button on every post? I hope not.

I'm over myself. Yeah, f**k that guy! He's the source of all my problems. Seriously that's exactly why I'm here.

I'm going to stay away from people now. This world is dissatisfied with me & it shows.

This is all I'm trying to do. Please keep my thread focused on helping people get along, instead of whining & accusations.

Foe that matter, how am I supposed to be more considerate in my expressions when all I get told is to shut up & go away?

I'm going to stay away from everyone until someone actually wants to see me. If you hate my style as much as the next person JUST TELL ME & I'll be sure to avoid you too.

It's not a matter of stated rules, it's a matter of etiquette and consideration for the people you are trying to communicate with. It's just basic politeness.

The rest of your reaction is emotional hyperbole to avoid the fact that all I asked you to do was to quote my comments when you are talking to me so that I can tell your comment is directed at me rather than someone else to avoid confusion and rudeness, and you chose not to do that, and then when I pointed out that you were choosing to be rude by not quoting people you're talking to and making them guess who you are talking to and what you're talking about you act like I told you you're a monster. I'm just trying to tell you that communicating will be easier for you if you make an attempt to be more polite and considerate with people you are communicating with, because that (your style of communication and insistence on being impolite) seems to be a source of some of your problems and could be what is pushing people away in your life. I'm trying to help you by passing on information I've learned from experience of how to better communicate with people because I've studied and worked for a long time to get better at that and I've picked up a few things on the way, and you're acting like I'm accusing you of being a serial killer.

Maybe the overly emotional way you react to constructive criticism and suggestions is also part of what is pushing people away.

I'm just done with people right now. There's zero trust left.

I'm not ______ enough for you, we've established that guys like myself are not going to be accepted, full stop.

If Kara's right, just block me already. I'm "over myself".

Last edited by cberg on 17 Feb 2019, 11:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Seriously, there's a lot of catastrophizing and hyperbolizing when you talk about your issues and when you talk negatively about yourself. Have you ever spoken to a therapist about these things? That's another potential way to improve your communication skills, by working with a therapist and practicing ways to be more direct with expressing your intents as well as how to express your emotions in a more constructive way to your life and interactions with people.

Is this directed at me? See, this confusion could be easily avoided if you just tried quoting people when you're talking to them. Why are you trying to intentionally confuse everyone and then getting frustrated with us for being confused by you? I've told you there's something very simple you can do to clear up this confusion so people won't be so confused by what you're saying and then you won't have to be so frustrated with us not understanding you, and you're just going "I'm terrible, block me, there's no point in trying."

Ok then mods please delete the last 2 pages.

It was a rough week for me & mine. Need I say more?

I don't have much frame of reference for social life. People seem to be pushing me towards work, work, work & more work. I get burned when I step away from that.

Yikes, don't look at a thread for a few days...

cberg -

Intelligence and passion about a subject, even when geeky has an attractiveness to it to certain people; genuinely. I do know of those you are talking about. I have a cousin that would agree with the statement I just made but if you were to try to engage her with that kind of conversation around her, you'd very quickly see her playing on her phone. There is a variety of different kinds of geeks, and I imagine those would be more receptive to other geeks even if it's not the same field. Geeks/ nerds are grand beings. They're the ones that make advances to our world in many categories, how is that not likeable?

I have no personal experience in whether women are generally ignoring the engineering world. It's male dominate but look at all the other works areas that use to be completely male driven, we've started to infiltrate but it takes time. The engineering field specifically may take more time as not only does it requires a certain kind of mind but also a personality from a female to be able to go into that world and be able to stand up to the sexism there. I will say that there does seem to be a lot of females that would prefer to just have a guy do something for her vs have him teach her how to do it. That won't be true of an independent type though.

As for fifasy's advice: if I was faced with a guy that did that I would inwardly groan and then RUN the other way. Especially if it were someone I just met. I can think of some people it might work on (like the cousin of mine I mentioned) but I don't think that's the type of people you're looking to make connections with. From what I've gathered it doesn't fit with your personality and I think trying to act as someone else would ultimately be detrimental for you.

If you've learned to be 'too shy' that means you can unlearn it you know. I'm not saying you're suddenly going to be able to make yourself into an extrovert though. Have you thought to try to interact with others with saying and acting how you might like someone to interact with you? I rarely know how to respond to people in person, so I found if I put myself in their shoes, I'm able to come up with something based upon how I'd want someone to react and talk with me. It doesn't always work but it's reduced my 'deer in headlights' moments.

I think you're being a little harsh. I'm sorry you see to be having trouble following cberg's postings and I agree he does take some deciphering and even then I'm not totally sure what he means on some things. But it seems you kind of jumped on him a bit when he only made one post since your original communication advice. It seemed pretty clear he was making a general comment and wasn't specifically directing it to anyone - just whoever happened to see it (except for alluding to fifasy's comment). It's certainly easier to pick out when someone is talking to you when they use the button but if it's that irritating for you when he doesn't use it... can't you just...ignore it and not bother in replying? Just you made your point and he is going to do whatever he wants, so maybe it'd be best to just walk away?

cberg - Might I suggest you take some time to do something for yourself that makes you feel relaxed and happy/content and then try coming back to this? You appear to be pretty depressed right now, and depression can really mess with your head. Everything can seem worse, you're more apt to take things personally and that can make communicating that much more difficult.

Shyness is not learned. It's often part of being neurodiverse, and especially in the relationship area, NDs are supposed to be shy.

Also, ND women are just as shy as guys are, but it's less a problem for them since it is guys that are supposed to take initiative, and so we have all of these "advice" to guys that they should unlearn their shyness and become extrovert and comfortable with going up and talk to a woman they fancy. I'm not sure if this actually is good advice at all. First, many guys will not learn to do this in a way that looks natural, and so would be considered even weirder. Second, I suspect many compatible women don't like this "modus operandi" either, and so by learning it they reduce their chances of finding compatible partners.

I feel people should be able to figure out if something is directed at them or not without direct quoting. Sure, it makes it less likely that I would recognize that I'm addressed, but then it also makes it easier to ignore things I don't want to respond to.

There is no rule about having to use the quote button.