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BeaArthur
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05 Apr 2019, 9:47 am

Hurtloam, you might be making an error by trying to incorporate men into a circle of friends that mostly hang out with other women only. I suggest you develop a circle of friends for the single-gender night out events, and another circle of friends who often do things involving both genders. There can be a little overlap between the two circles (like a Venn diagram, or the Mastercard logo) but in general, don't set up events for the one-gender circle that you want to invite men to, and don't be surprised if your one-gender circle isn't keen on attending the mixed-gender events.

I think the single-gender thing is a statement that "on this occasion, I don't have to look sexy/attractive, it's just the girls (or guys) and I can relax." As someone else said above, it's sometimes beneficial to dish your gender issues with your same sex friends. (e.g., Why do men do this? When she says ____, what does it mean?) Dating and also marriage are sometimes confusing and stressful. Also, if one is already in a relationship, one may want to avoid temptations to roam, or one may want to tell the partner it will only be a same-sex night.

Your younger male friend that you are interested in, if you do things with him alone it will definitely feel like a date, which could be awkward, and I know you have a history of things that go nowhere and then disappoint you. So enjoy his company in a mixed group. If it's attending a play or a concert, ask if he has any friends that may want to come along. Feel free to bring along a few of your own.


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hurtloam
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05 Apr 2019, 10:22 am

Interesting. Thanks Bea.



The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Apr 2019, 10:27 am

Couples night outs are not the same as mixed night outs.

Totally different ambiance.



blackicmenace
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05 Apr 2019, 12:42 pm

As far as the just the two of you suggestion goes, don't think of it as a date, he is clearly in the friend zone but you don't want it to stay that way. Think of it as hanging out with a friend, that's what friends do, after all, they enjoy one another's company. Don't be afraid to give him compliments, but it must be genuinely from the heart. He is your friend after all, you want to build them up and make them feel good about themselves. But don't tell him just anything he might want to hear if it's not true. For instance, if he is funny, wait for the right moment to tell him that you like that about him, perhaps after he made you laugh. If the two of you can hang out and do nothing and still enjoy each others company, I think that says a lot. Plus, it will give you the sort of time to get to know him, but more importantly, it gives him the opportunity to get to know hurtloam.


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blackicmenace
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05 Apr 2019, 1:10 pm

Is your friend extroverted or introverted?


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The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Apr 2019, 1:18 pm

Quote:
My friend is organising a theatre night out. I thought of a male friend who would want to come, but she's only inviting women and he would end up with a bunch of women (lucky him ;). Or he'd feel uncomfortable and feel like he was intruding. Obviously I'm interested in this guy and want to include him in things he would enjoy.


Do your female friends treat you as a couple, like hinting on the matter?



nick007
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05 Apr 2019, 4:49 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
In NYC, mixed-gender group outings are very common. 30's, 40's, 50's, what have you.....

They do things like go to the movies, out to dinner, plays, sporting events, many things. These gatherings do not, invariably, lead to orgies.
Could most of them be couples :?:


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hurtloam
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05 Apr 2019, 8:31 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Quote:
My friend is organising a theatre night out. I thought of a male friend who would want to come, but she's only inviting women and he would end up with a bunch of women (lucky him ;). Or he'd feel uncomfortable and feel like he was intruding. Obviously I'm interested in this guy and want to include him in things he would enjoy.


Do your female friends treat you as a couple, like hinting on the matter?


They know I like him. No hunting required. The only hinting has been from a married male friend.



hurtloam
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05 Apr 2019, 8:33 pm

blackicmenace wrote:
Is your friend extroverted or introverted?


Introverted. He will think of it as a date. He's very anxious.



kraftiekortie
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05 Apr 2019, 8:53 pm

It's a mixture of couples and single people many times.



hurtloam
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05 Apr 2019, 9:00 pm

My single female friends don't talk about men or relationships. They've all given up. No one is pairing me up with anyone. No one is pairing up with anyone.

These nights out are not to discuss men as just womenfolk.



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05 Apr 2019, 9:15 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
These gatherings do not, invariably, lead to orgies.


I"m sorry, I just really need to laugh here. :P



blackicmenace
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05 Apr 2019, 9:41 pm

hurtloam wrote:
blackicmenace wrote:
Is your friend extroverted or introverted?


Introverted. He will think of it as a date. He's very anxious.

I must be an oddball. I have had very few friendships, but the ones that I have had have always been very intimate, and I have never thought of spending time with them as a date because it was a platonic friendship. Of course the mass majority has been friendships with men. I have not bonded with many women, admittedly, I have had some of both sexes want to turn the friendship into one of a romantic nature. When that sort of thing has happened, It's flattering, however, if there are not feelings of that nature forming on my end It's never got in the way of continuing the friendship.


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hurtloam
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05 Apr 2019, 10:42 pm

blackicmenace wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
blackicmenace wrote:
Is your friend extroverted or introverted?


Introverted. He will think of it as a date. He's very anxious.

I must be an oddball. I have had very few friendships, but the ones that I have had have always been very intimate, and I have never thought of spending time with them as a date because it was a platonic friendship. Of course the mass majority has been friendships with men. I have not bonded with many women, admittedly, I have had some of both sexes want to turn the friendship into one of a romantic nature. When that sort of thing has happened, It's flattering, however, if there are not feelings of that nature forming on my end It's never got in the way of continuing the friendship.


You're not an oddball, my sister used to just hang out one and one with guy friends platonically. She was surprised when her husband told her he liked her, she thought they were just hanging out as friends. She didn't know it was a date. It was a nice surprise because she did like him too. She just thought she was in the friend-zone.

My friend is very shy. So he doesn't hang out with women much. A one on one would be a date to him. He's too careful in my opinion. I bet that rigid thinking has put other women off. One of my friends was puzzled I could like someone like that. I think he just needs to get out more, meet more people, loosen up. Realise girls aren't gonna eat him. :lol:



blackicmenace
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05 Apr 2019, 11:16 pm

hurtloam wrote:
blackicmenace wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
blackicmenace wrote:
Is your friend extroverted or introverted?


Introverted. He will think of it as a date. He's very anxious.

I must be an oddball. I have had very few friendships, but the ones that I have had have always been very intimate, and I have never thought of spending time with them as a date because it was a platonic friendship. Of course the mass majority has been friendships with men. I have not bonded with many women, admittedly, I have had some of both sexes want to turn the friendship into one of a romantic nature. When that sort of thing has happened, It's flattering, however, if there are not feelings of that nature forming on my end It's never got in the way of continuing the friendship.


You're not an oddball, my sister used to just hang out one and one with guy friends platonically. She was surprised when her husband told her he liked her, she thought they were just hanging out as friends. She didn't know it was a date. It was a nice surprise because she did like him too. She just thought she was in the friend-zone.

My friend is very shy. So he doesn't hang out with women much. A one on one would be a date to him. He's too careful in my opinion. I bet that rigid thinking has put other women off. One of my friends was puzzled I could like someone like that. I think he just needs to get out more, meet more people, loosen up. Realise girls aren't gonna eat him. :lol:

Well, as they say patience is a virtue. I guess you'll need to figure out why he thinks like that. Has he had any female friends in the past? I am rather shy and introverted and I am sure I have missed out on lots of great people because of it, perhaps someone with a similar perspective as his, can give you some insight I don't have.


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blackicmenace
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05 Apr 2019, 11:31 pm

I guess what I am wondering is, could he see what you two have as not being platonic and more of a love interest? How does he act around you?


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