Is having a fear/phobia of dating the same as asexual?

Post Reply New Topic

So I actually don't want to date anyone. Is that the same as asexual? I really don't like romantic movies, songs or books. I feel sick seeing or hearing that stuff. I know I never want to date anyone because it's too complicated but yet I also feel jealous listening to other people being happy about being with somebody. Aren't I weird?

Probably better to get the perspective of a self-described Ace on this as well.

I think they are distinct. I have an anxiety/fear of dating, but would love to have a stable relationship. I look at the early phases as a necessary obstacle to overcome. I think some relevant questions to ask:

1) Do you feel attracted to anyone?

2) Do you want a romantic relationship?

I feel attraction towards guys, but in the big picture I want nothing to do with romance.

They are related at least. That's because much of neurodiverse asexuality is not a dislike of sex as such, rather the way sex works for typical people. That's also why it relates to dating, as dating is the preferred way of getting into relationships for typical people.

I don’t feel people who have sexual feelings but dislike the sex act are “asexual”—it’s more like they are on the asexual spectrum.

Neptune: Sorry to be so blunt about it, but rdos's comment leads me to ask: how do you feel about sex? You ask if your feelings are asexual and say you're attracted to guys, but not interested in a romantic relationship/dating. I'm not a millennial or Gen Zer, but isn't that what hookup culture is all about? I'm not at all saying that's for you, I wouldn't know. But maybe it's something to consider if you are so inclined.

If you're not interested in that either, then it is possible you're on an "asexual spectrum" as kraftie says. There are other ways outside of romantic relationships and hookups/sex to be close/intimate w/people. You can have friends of whatever gender you're really emotionally, intellectually or otherwise close with and that can even have a physical dimension of hugging, touching (of whatever sort you're comfortable with) or whatever. So in a way, ok it's odd (from an NT perspective), but not unhealthy or bad. It's really up to what kinds of relationships you wanna have w/other people.

If you don't want to have a relationship it's aromantic. If you want to but you are intimidated then it is a phobia/anxiety spectrum issue.

Asexual is not wanting to have sex but may still want relationships and can even be good at forming them. You might enjoy dates, you might not.

I agree & was trying to think of the term aromantic but it wasn't coming to me for some reason so Thanx
I'm sort of on the asexuality spectrum but had a HIGH desire for being in a romantic realtionship. It was the sex that I didn't have much of a desire for thou there are some aspects about dating & trying to get in romantic relationships I didn't like & was afraid of too. There's been dating sites for asexuals & I joined all the 1s I knew about. The most popular/active one had a forum & was also a friendship site thou. Being asexual & aromantic can certainly be related to each other, there's lots of people in the asexual community who are both but there's also lots of asexuals who like/want or are open to having romantic relationships. Just as there's lots of aromantics who are into or open to sex.

Yes, you're close enough.

There is a problem with being aromantic or having a romantic orientation instead of a sexual orientation. My guess based on large surveys and having analyzed this is that some asexual people are afraid that they won't be taken seriously if they have a sexual orientation. Another issue is that a lot of research claims that asexuality is on the sexual orientation spectrum as "no sexual attraction". People's (as well as animals) "orientation" is related to reproduction, and thus must be based on sexual traits, and not romantic. Additionally, romantic attachment is an exaptation of the parent-child attachment, which is not gendered. In that way, a romantic attachment is more similar to a close friendship (which is also not gendered).

As for being aromantic, I think a clue is that if people dislike typical romantic relationships which are almost expected to contain regular sex, then it's logical that they use the "aromantic" label to escape from those. Much like the asexual label mostly is a way to escape regular sex.

People should move beyond trying to avoid sex by identifying as asexual, and use better "labels". A better label that correlates highly to asexual identity is "finding sexual intercourse disgusting". That label has the advantage that it doesn't preclude having a sexual orientation/attraction, nor having a romantic relationship.